Unknown - driven

“No, no. It?s none of that. You?ve been exemplary. In practice and during the games.”

At any other time, Cat might have glowed in pleasure over the compliments. Now, however, wasn?t one of those times. Her anger continued to grow. The sane, sober part of her knew that Dylan was reaching out, trying to help. The irrational side of her slapped those thoughts away. “Then I?ll ask you again. Why are you here? You?re my coach. You have say over what goes on in my professional life. But this, here, where we are now, is my personal life. And unless there?s a problem that you?re not telling me, I don?t see that what I do in my personal life is anyone?s business but my own.”

Dylan was quiet for a moment, absorbing the words thrust at her. Then she nodded. “You?re right. Your professional conduct has been above board and without complaint.” She nodded again. “I?m sorry for having disturbed you. I?ll see you at practice tomorrow.”

With that, Dylan turned, all the while cursing herself for seven kinds of fool.

“Coach?”

Reaching the door, Dylan grasped the knob, but the tone of the soft call stopped any further action. She turned her head and was met with a look of such pride and such pain that her chest tightened against it. Her hand slipped from the knob as she gathered her thoughts, determined to make one more try.

“Catherine.” She began slowly, softly. “Cat?it?s okay to be afraid.”

Cat laughed. It sounded more like a sob, but her eyes were dry.

“It?s okay to hurt.”

Cat laughed again, rubbing at her face. “How would you know?” she spat. “How would you know what it?s like to be so angry all the time you feel like you?re going to explode? How would you know what it?s like to go to sleep afraid, and to wake up the same way?” She shook her head. “I mean, look at you! You?re an Amazon, for god?s sake! How would you even begin to know what I feel?”

Dylan took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. An extremely private woman, she knew she had a difficult choice. To say nothing, and let this escalate, or to share a bit of herself and take the chance that maybe it would help.

The decision was easier than she thought. Turning fully, she retraced her steps back into the apartment, stopping when she came level with the couch. “I?m not invincible, Catherine.”

Cat snorted. “No?”

“No. I know what it?s like to have anger eating away at me, and I know what it?s like to be afraid.”

“How? How do you know?”

“May I?” Dylan asked, gesturing to the couch.

“Oh. Sure.” Scooting over to one end, Cat made room for Dylan to sit.

“Thanks.”

A long silence fell between them.

“So?” Cat asked after clearing her throat. “How do you know?”

Dylan loosely clasped her hands, and stared down into them, as if divining the secrets of life from the lines in her palm. She kept her gaze focused there as she began to speak. “I was sixteen and had just graduated High School. I?d been given a full athletic scholarship to UCLA and I thought I was the baddest thing on two legs.”

Cat responded with a genuine laugh at that. She hadn?t been too different upon her own graduation.

“I shouldn?t have been walking out alone so late at night, but I wasn?t thinking about that at the time.” Dylan laughed bitterly. “I wasn?t thinking at all, really.”

“What happened?” Cat was sitting forward now, elbows on her knees, drink forgotten.

“There were six of them. Big pot-bellied redneck assholes out in sunny California to do god knows what. They decided that a gang bang was the best way to end a night of boozing, and they picked me as the bangee.”

“Oh no?” Cat whispered.

“I hadn?t finished growing yet. I was tall, but still pretty skinny.” She clenched her hands tighter, watching as the skin turned white from the pressure. “I fought like hell, but together, they were a lot stronger than I was, and it wasn?t long before they?d beaten me down to the sidewalk. If I let myself remember, I can still feel their hands on me, ripping at my clothes as I tried to fight them off. Even after they?d blackened my eyes and broken my jaw to shut me up, I didn?t stop fighting.”

If Dylan would have looked up at that moment, she would have seen large tears rolling silently down Cat?s cheeks. She didn?t, however, as she continued to stare down into her hands, clenched to tight fists now. “I couldn?t?.” She shook her head. “Anyway, before they got much further, I suddenly felt their weight lifted off of me. When I looked up, I saw these?kids?not any older than me. They were wearing gang colors and had guns, every single one of them. And they were beating the crap out of my intended rapists.”

“Jesus!” Cat swore.

“Yeah. I thought, for a moment there, that I was just trading one set of attackers for another, but then a couple of the guys helped me up and held me steady as I puked my guts up all over the sidewalk. Another one gave me his shirt, if you can believe that. Mine was ripped to shreds. They even offered to drive me home, but I?I needed to be alone right then.”

Dylan sighed, winding down like a toy soldier on Christmas morning. She seemed deflated somehow, as if she was still that girl she?d stopped being so many years ago.

Then, into her field of vision came a hand, small and almost delicate. It laid itself atop her fists like a blanket, or a balm. It soothed something in her soul she wasn?t aware was still so raw, and for the first time in years, she felt tears well up.

“I?m so sorry that happened to you,” Cat whispered.

Dylan gave a twisted smile, but didn?t raise her eyes. “Yeah, well? . I told myself I could deal with it. No big deal, right?” She laughed again. Bitterly. “So I buried it deep down inside and covered it with a layer of cement and built walls around it so that it would never see the light of day. When my coach asked me what had happened, I lied and told her that I?d fallen down a set of stairs in the dorm. I don?t think she ever bought that excuse.”

She took in a deep breath. “Then I started drinking. Not much at first. Just enough to stop the nightmares. But then the nightmares started happening during the day, so I started drinking then, too. I had periods of rage so intense that I?d lash out at anyone and anything. At first, I?d use those periods to my advantage during the games. No one could beat me there. No one. But then I started taking my anger out on my teammates and my coaches.” The twisted smile came again. “It got so bad that I got benched. My coach told me that she didn?t care if we lost every single game the rest of the season. If I didn?t get the stick out of my ass, that ass was going to be riding the bench until I was old and gray.”

“What did you do?”

“I thought about quitting, of course. After all, I was Dylan Lambert, the Goddess! Who was she to tell me I couldn?t play!”

“But you didn?t.”

“No. I didn?t. I realized that I needed some help. Needed someone to turn to who would understand what I had been through, what I was still going through. It turned out to be one of the assistant coaches, who?d been through something similar. And when I finally let out all the anger and the hatred and the fear that had been eating me up for months, god?I felt like the world had been lifted off my guts and I could breath again. I felt?free. Clean. I reclaimed my strength. My true strength, not a strength born of rage. And I never looked back.”

A silence as deep as the bottom of a grave slipped between them, and after a long moment, Dylan chanced to look up. What she saw made her chest tighten again.

Large, silent tears rolled one after the other down Cat?s cheeks. Her expression was that of a lost child desperately looking for a way home.