Дуглас Адамс - The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“So we’re actually going to land in a minute?”

“Well not so much land, in fact, not actually land as such, no. . . er. . . ”

“What are you talking about?” said Ford sharply.

“Well,” said the Captain, picking his way through the words carefully,

“I think as far as I can remember we were programmed to crash on it.”

“Crash?” shouted Ford and Arthur.

“Er, yes,” said the Captain, “yes, it’s all part of the plan I think. There was a terribly good reason for it which I can’t quite remember at the moment. It was something to with. . . er. . . ”

Ford exploded.

“You’re a load of useless bloody loonies!” he shouted.

“Ah yes, that was it,” beamed the Captain, “that was the reason.”

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Chapter 25

The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the planet of Golgafrincham: It is a planet with an ancient and mysterious history, rich in legend, red, and occasionally green with the blood of those who sought in times gone by to conquer her; a land of parched and barren landscapes, of sweet and sultry air heady with the scent of the perfumed springs that trickle over its hot and dusty rocks and nourish the dark and musty lichens beneath; a land of fevered brows and intoxicated imaginings, particularly amongst those who taste the lichens; a land also of cool and shaded thoughts amongst those who have learnt to forswear the lichens and find a tree to sit beneath; a land also of steel and blood and heroism; a land of the body and of the spirit. This was its history.

And in all this ancient and mysterious history, the most mysterious figures of all were without doubt those of the Great Circling Poets of Arium. These Circling Poets used to live in remote mountain passes where they would lie in wait for small bands of unwary travellers, circle round them, and throw rocks at them.

And when the travellers cried out, saying why didn’t they go away and get on with writing some poems instead of pestering people with all this rockthrowing business, they would suddenly stop, and then break into one of the seven hundred and ninety-four great Song Cycles of Vassilian. These songs were all of extraordinary beauty, and even more extraordinary length, and all fell into exactly the same pattern.

The first part of each song would tell how there once went forth from the City of Vassilian a party of five sage princes with four horses. The princes, who are of course brave, noble and wise, travel widely in distant lands, fought giant ogres, pursue exotic philosophies, take tea with weird gods and rescue beautiful monsters from ravening princesses before finally announcing that they have achieved enlightenment and that their wanderings are therefore accomplished.

The second, and much longer, part of each song would then tell of all their bickerings about which one of them is going to have to walk back. All this lay in the planet’s remote past. It was, however, a descendant of one of these eccentric poets who invented the spurious tales of impending 115

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doom which enabled the people of Golgafrincham to rid themselves of an entire useless third of their population. The other two-thirds stayed firmly at home and lived full, rich and happy lives until they were all suddenly wiped out by a virulent disease contracted from a dirty telephone. 116

Chapter 26

That night the ship crash-landed on to an utterly insignificant little greenblue planet which circled a small unregarded yellow sun in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western spiral arm of the Galaxy. In the hours preceding the crash Ford Prefect had fought furiously but in vain to unlock the controls of the ship from their pre-ordained flight path. It had quickly become apparent to him that the ship had been programmed to convey its payload safely, if uncomfortably, to its new home but to cripple itself beyond repair in the process.

Its screaming, blazing descent through the atmosphere had stripped away most of its superstructure and outer shielding, and its final inglorious bellyflop into a murky swamp had left its crew only a few hours of darkness during which to revive and offload its deep-frozen and unwanted cargo for the ship began to settle almost at once, slowly upending its gigantic bulk in the stagnant slime. Once or twice during the night it was starkly silhouetted against the sky as burning meteors – the detritus of its descent – flashed across the sky.

In the grey pre-dawn light it let out an obscene roaring gurgle and sank for ever into the stinking depths.

When the sun came up that morning it shed its thin watery light over a vast area heaving with wailing hairdressers, public relations executives, opinion pollsters and the rest, all clawing their way desperately to dry land. A less strong minded sun would probably have gone straight back down again, but it continued to climb its way through the sky and after a while the influence of its warming rays began to have some restoring effect on the feebly struggling creatures.

Countless numbers had, unsurprisingly, been lost to the swamp in the night, and millions more had been sucked down with the ship, but those that survived still numbered hundreds of thousands and as the day wore on they crawled out over the surrounding countryside, each looking for a few square feet of solid ground on which to collapse and recover from their nightmare ordeal.

Two figures moved further afield.

From a nearby hillside Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent watched the horror 117

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of which they could not feel a part.

“Filthy dirty trick to pull,” muttered Arthur. Ford scraped a stick along the ground and shrugged.

“An imaginative solution to a problem I’d have thought,” he said.

“Why can’t people just learn to live together in peace and harmony?”

said Arthur.

Ford gave a loud, very hollow laugh. “Forty-two!” he said with a malicious grin, “No, doesn’t work. Never mind.”

Arthur looked at him as if he’d gone mad and, seeing nothing to indicate the contrary, realized that it would be perfectly reasonable to assume that this had in fact happened.

“What do you think will happen to them all?” he said after a while.

“In an infinite Universe anything can happen,” said Ford, “Even survival. Strange but true.”

A curious look came into his eyes as they passed over the landscape and then settles again on the scene of misery below them.

“I think they’ll manage for a while,” he said. Arthur looked up sharply.

“Why do you say that?” he said.

Ford shrugged.

“Just a hunch,” he said, and refused to be drawn to any further questions.

“Look,” he said suddenly.

Arthur followed his pointing finger. Down amongst the sprawling masses a figure was moving – or perhaps lurching would be a more accurate description. He appeared to be carrying something on his shoulder. As he lurched from prostrate form to prostrate form he seemed to wave whatever the something was at them in a drunken fashion. After a while he gave up the struggle and collapsed in a heap.

Arthur had no idea what this was meant to mean to him.

“Movie camera,” said Ford. “Recording the historic movement.”

“Well, I don’t know about you,” said Ford again after a moment, “but I’m off.”

He sat a while in silence.

After a while this seemed to require comment.

“Er, when you say you’re off, what do you mean exactly?” said Arthur.

“Good question,” said Ford, “I’m getting total silence.”

Looking over his shoulder Arthur saw that he was twiddling with knobs on a small box. Ford had already introduced this box as a Sub-Etha Sens-OMatic, but Arthur had merely nodded absently and not pursued the matter. In his mind the Universe still divided into two parts – the Earth, and everything else. The Earth having been demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass meant that this view of things was a little lopsided, but Arthur tended to cling to that lopsidedness as being his last remaining contact with 118