Molly Fitz - Raccoon Racketeer

“Are you here for a new MacBook Pro or an iPad Air? Maybe a matching Apple Watch for your dog?”

“No, she doesn’t need a watch,” I muttered, and the store clerk laughed even harder. I wasn’t a violent person by nature, but I also kind of wanted to punch him in the face. Did he really think it was a good idea to tease and bully his customers? Perhaps corporate would like to hear about my experience today. Hmm.

He sobered at last, placing both hands in his pockets and turning to me with an open expression. Maybe now that he’d gotten his laughs in, he’d actually help here. “Okay. What can I get for you?”

I offered a pert smile. “I need a GoPro camera, please, and a harness to go with it.”

Again, raucous laughter. “Oh, so your cat likes Apple, but your dog likes GoPro?” He could barely get the words out because he was wheezing so hard.

“Actually, it’s for my raccoon, but yeah.” I smiled wide just to unnerve him. He already thought I was crazy, so I might as well lean into it.

Sure enough, the next thing out of his mouth was, “You’re weird, you know that?”

“And you’re not very helpful, so I guess I’ll just help myself. Thank you!” I called over my shoulder, already walking away.

“Hang on. GoPros are this way.” He darted past me and hooked a right. “You need a key to get into the case, which means you do need my help.”

“Fine, but I’m in a hurry.”

“Urgent animal business?” he guessed, holding back another laugh.

“Something like that,” I answered. Fine, whatever. He could make fun of me all he wanted. As long as I got the camera and harness, I’d go about my day just fine.

“Good luck!” he called after me once he’d handed over the equipment I requested. Yeah, like I needed his well wishes—or like he even meant them in the first place. Next time I’d be finding a different electronics store, even if I had to drive twice as far to get to it.

I gave the bully clerk a thumbs up as I approached the cash register, refusing to look back or say another word. I had far bigger problems to worry about today.

Nan was missing.

My mom probably had different parents than she’d been led to believe.

I owed a raccoon of questionable ethics an unspoken favor.

Oh, and also, I was about to spy on my own grandmother in a desperate attempt to learn the truth behind it all…

Chapter Fourteen

Apparently, my trip to the electronics store had gone by much more quickly than it felt. When I arrived home, Octo-Cat sat watching the final scene of his movie and sniffling mightily.

“Aww, does somebody love love?” I teased. He never reacted this way to Law & Order.

“Of course, not!” he cried, wiping at his eyes to hide the telltale signs of tears. “I’m laughing. Yeah. Still laughing. I’ll have what she’s having. Classic!”

“Uh-huh,” I said, keeping my smile on the inside. Although I knew for a fact he had no idea what that famous scene actually referenced, I decided to let him off the hook this time. The last thing I needed was to have the birds and bees talk with my neutered cat. Nope, no thank you!

Instead, I focused on unpackaging and setting up the new GoPro while Harry danced with Sally at the New Year’s Eve party and told her all the things he loved best about her. So super sweet. Okay, maybe now I was tearing up a little, too.

When the end credits finally rolled, I switched off the television and opened the front door. “C’mon, Pringle. It’s time!”

The raccoon came trotting right in, ready to go, as if he’d been standing outside the door waiting this entire time. Perhaps, he had.

Spotting the new tech in my hands, he gasped and lifted both hands to his mouth, then dropped them and shouted, “Oooh, shiny!”

He then wrapped both hands around my calf and shimmied right up my body and onto my shoulder. He’d never done that before, and I didn’t want him to be doing it now. Even though we were working together, I still didn’t exactly trust him.

Luckily, I overcame my shock just in time to stop him from stealing the camera out of my hands and making a fast getaway with the clearly coveted device.

“Stop that,” I groused and shook my arms. “Get off of me.”

“I want that,” Pringle informed me, refusing to be shaken off.

“Relax, will you? I bought it for you to use in today’s mission.”

“Give! Give! Give!” He climbed back to the floor, then jumped up and down, becoming increasingly annoying by the second.

“You need to give it a rest,” Octo-Cat intervened. “Let Angela do her little speech first, then she’ll give it to you.”

“Oh, so now I’m predictable?” I asked with a chuckle. I’m not exactly sure why I laughed in that moment, but it probably had to do with how relieved I was to have the giant raccoon back on the floor and off my body.

“It’s not just you, honey,” Pringle said. “It’s all humans. Such simple creatures.” He made a rolling gesture with his hands and sighed. “Anyway, just get on with it.”

Oh, this was rich. Mr. Must Maintain His Schedule to the Very Second and Mr. Steal Everything in Sight found me to be the predictable one.

Also, was Pringle really mocking me when I’d hired him and also agreed to pay an unnamed favor? That wasn’t very good customer service. He was lucky his business wasn’t on Yelp, or he’d be getting a very bad review.

“Haven’t you ever heard that the customer’s always right?” I asked with a snort.

“Nope. Who would say that?” Pringle chittered with unabashed glee. “The customer’s often stupid, which is why they need to hire help to begin with.”

Yikes. Yet another astute comment on humanity from the Peeping Tom raccoon. Thank goodness he couldn’t communicate with any humans other than me.

But really, we needed to get on with our mission here, which meant it was time for me to lay down the law. “Hush up and listen already!” I yelled at them both.

When they both fell silent, I continued. “Now, Octo-Cat, you’re going to like this next part.”

I lifted my phone from the table and unlocked it to show the new app I’d downloaded during setup. “Pringle’s going to wear the camera in a chest harness, and I’m going to stream the live feed to my iPhone so I can keep an eye on what’s happening.”

“Okay, but where do I fit into this plan?” my cat asked with an aggravated twitch.

“Two places.” I made a peace sign and wiggled those two fingers, unsure whether either animal could count, but whatever. “First, you’re going to go with Pringle to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t take anything that’s unrelated to our case.”

“Hey,” the raccoon whined. “I resemble that remark.”

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. Sometimes I really missed working at the law firm with other humans—sweet, rational humans. “Second, we’re going to use your iPad to FaceTime so you can give me a running commentary to go with the video feed. I’d give you my phone, but I think the buttons would be too tiny to answer with your paws, and I don’t want to take any chances, so—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Octo-Cat slurred, his eyes growing large and greedy. “Are you going to use your iPad or your iPhone to keep tabs on us?”

“Both,” I said with a smile.

“It’s like Christmas and my birthday and Halloween all rolled into one,” he gushed in that accented tone of his.

I nodded vigorously and reached out to pat him on the head. “Yup. Fun, right? We’re all having fun? Yes? Now, Pringle, if you’re ready, I can outfit you in the harness now.”

The raccoon grabbed the camera and turned it over several times in his hands, then gave me an exaggerated wink. “This is some next-level spy stuff. I didn’t know you had it in you.”