Кадзуо Исигуро - Klara and the Sun

‘The smart kids think I have no shape. But I do. I’m just keeping it hidden. Because who wants them to see?’

Although I only glimpsed this picture for a second, Josie knew I’d taken it in, and she said from the bed in a sleepy voice:

‘Don’t you think that’s a weird thing for him to write?’

When I gave a small laugh and carried on tidying, she went on:

‘Do you suppose he thinks I meant that to be him? The little guy between the two nasties? Do you suppose that’s why he filled the bubble that way?’

‘It’s possible.’

‘But you don’t think so. Do you, Klara?’ Then she said: ‘Klara, you listening? Come on. Can we have a comment here?’

‘It’s perhaps more likely he assumed the small person was Josie.’

She said nothing else while I ordered the various sheets into piles and placed them with the previous ones in a space beneath the dressing table. I thought she’d fallen asleep, when she said suddenly:

‘What makes you say that?’

‘It’s only an estimate. I think that Rick thought the small person was Josie. And I believe Rick was trying to be kind.’

‘Kind? Why is that being kind?’

‘I believe Rick worries about Josie. How she sometimes appears to change in different situations. But in this picture, Rick is being kind. Because he’s suggesting Josie is being clever to protect herself and isn’t really changing.’

‘So what if I sometimes want to act different? Who wants to be the same all the time? The trouble with Rick is he always gets accusing when I’m any way he doesn’t like. It’s because he wants me to stay the way I was when we were small kids.’

‘I don’t really think that’s what Rick wishes.’

‘Then what’s all this? All this no shape, hiding stuff? I don’t see what’s kind about it. That’s Rick’s problem. He doesn’t want to grow up. At least, his mother doesn’t want him to and he goes along with it. The idea is he lives with his mom for ever and ever. How’s that going to help our plan? Any time I show any sign of trying to grow up, he gets sulky.’

I said nothing to this, and Josie continued to lie there with her eyes closed. She did fall asleep then, but just before she did, she said quietly:

‘Maybe. Maybe he did mean it to be kind.’

I wondered if Josie would bring up this particular picture – and the words inside the bubble – during Rick’s next visit. But she didn’t, and I realized there was a kind of rule between them not to talk directly about any of the pictures or bubble words once they’d been completed. Perhaps such an understanding was necessary in allowing them to draw and write freely. Even so, as I have said, I considered from the start that their bubble game was filled with danger, and it was what brought about the sudden end to Rick’s thirty-minute visits.

—

It was a rainy afternoon, but the Sun’s patterns still came faintly into the bedroom. There’d been around then a run of fairly relaxed visits, and the mood that day had also been quite comfortable. Then twelve minutes into the visit – they were again playing the bubble game – Josie said from the bed:

‘What’s going on down there? Haven’t you finished yet?’

‘I’m still thinking.’

‘Ricky, the idea’s you don’t think. You write down the first thing that comes to you.’

‘Fair enough. But this one requires more thought.’

‘Why? What’s different about it? Hurry it up. I’ve nearly finished this next one.’

In the window reflections, I could see Rick at his usual place on the floor, knees drawn up so that he could rest the picture on them, both hands down at his sides. He was staring at the picture before him with a puzzled expression. After a while, without pausing from her drawing, Josie said:

‘You know, I always meant to ask. Why is it your mom won’t drive any more? You still have that car, right?’

‘No one’s started it up in years. But yeah, it’s still in the garage. Maybe once I get my license, I’ll get it checked over.’

‘Is it like she’s afraid of accidents?’

‘Josie, we’ve talked about this already.’

‘Yeah, but I don’t remember. Is it because she got too scared?’

‘Something like that.’

‘ My mom, she’s the reverse. Drives way too fast.’ When Rick didn’t respond, she asked: ‘Ricky, you still haven’t filled that in?’

‘I’ll get there. Just give me a moment.’

‘Not driving’s one thing. But doesn’t your mom mind not having friends?’

‘She has friends. That Mrs Rivers comes all the time. And she’s friends with your mum, isn’t she?’

‘That’s not really what I mean. Anyone can have one or two individual friends. But your mom, she doesn’t have society . My mom doesn’t have so many friends either. But she does have society.’

‘Society? That sounds rather quaint. What’s it mean?’

‘It means you walk into a store or get into a taxi and people take you seriously. Treat you well. Having society. Important, right?’

‘Look, Josie, you know my mother’s not always so well. It’s not as if she made a decision about it.’

‘But she does make decisions, right? One thing, she made a decision about you . Back whenever.’

‘I don’t know why we’re talking about this.’

‘You know what I think, Ricky? Stop me if this is unfair. I think your mom never went ahead with you because she wanted to keep you for herself. And now it’s too late.’

‘I don’t see why we’re talking about this. And what does it matter? Who wants this society anyway? None of it needs to get in the way of anything.’

‘It all gets in the way, Ricky. Gets in the way of our plan for one thing.’

‘Look, I’m doing my best…’

‘But you’re not doing your best, Ricky. You keep talking about our plan, but what really are you doing? Each day goes by we get older, stuff keeps coming up. I’m doing all I can, but not you, Rick.’

‘What am I not doing I should be doing? Going to more of your interaction meetings?’

‘You could at least try more. You could do like we said. Study harder. Try for Atlas Brookings.’

‘What’s the point in talking about Atlas Brookings? I don’t even have an outside chance.’

‘Of course you’ve got a chance, Ricky. You’re smart. Even my mom says you stand a chance.’

‘A theoretical chance. Atlas Brookings may make a big thing of it, but it’s less than two percent. That’s all. Their intake of unlifteds is less than two percent.’

‘But you’re smarter than any of the other unlifteds trying to get in. So why won’t you go for it? I’ll tell you. It’s because your mom wants you to stay with her forever. She doesn’t want you going out there and turning into a real adult. Hey, are you still not finished down there? The next one’s ready.’

Rick was silent, gazing at the picture. Josie, despite her announcement, continued to add to her picture.

‘Anyway,’ she went on, ‘how’s this going to work? Our plan, I mean. How’s it going to work if I’ve got society and you haven’t? My mom drives too fast. But at least she’s got courage. It goes wrong with Sal, but even after that she finds the courage to go ahead with me all over again. That takes courage, right?’

Rick suddenly leaned forward and started to write on the picture. He often used a magazine to press on, but this time I could see the page was directly against his thigh, and starting to crinkle. But he went on writing quickly, then stood up, dropping his sharp pencil to the floor. Rather than hand the picture to Josie, he tossed it towards the bed, making it land on the duvet in front of her. He then stepped back till he was near the door, all the time watching her with large eyes that were both angry and fearful.