Mike Mullane - Riding Rockets

My winter of discontent continued. As we had anticipated, the lightweight SRB program was canceled and, along with it, all Vandenberg AFB shuttle operations were terminated. I would never see polar orbit.

Challenger ’s wreckage— all of it —was sealed in a pair of abandoned Cape Canaveral missile silos. It was another head-shaking moment for me. Pieces of the wreckage should have been retained for permanent display in key NASA locations as reminders of the cost of leadership and team failure. At a minimum, displays of the wreckage should have been placed at NASA HQ and in every NASA field center’s headquarters’ building. The LCC and the MCC buildings needed a similar display. Even the astronaut office should have been the site of an exhibit. Other astronauts agreed. I heard Bob Crippen remark that every astronaut should be required to view the wreckage before it was sealed away, adding, “I don’t think some of the civilian astronauts yet appreciate the risks they are taking when they climb into a space shuttle.” But no such displays were established. Challenger ’s broken body was sealed away as if the very sight of it was somehow obscene.

I continued to be beaten up by John Young any time I had anything to say about range safety or pre-MECO OMS burns. Every Monday rumors of his and Abbey’s imminent removal swept through the office like blue northers out of the panhandle. But come Friday, nothing had changed. A good night’s sleep had long become a memory. I would get up at weird hours and take walks or go for a run. Donna and I talked ad nauseam about leaving NASA. I had my twenty years with the air force. I could retire from it and NASA, go back to Albuquerque, and get a job. But every time I thought of giving up the T-38, of never hearing, “Go for main engine start,” of never again seeing the Earth from space, I would get angry. I was doing my job. I was doing a good job. Why should I be driven away for that?

In the spring of 1987, I got a temporary reprieve from astronaut frustrations. With the shuttle grounded for at least another year, the USAF decided it would be a good time to reacquaint their astronauts with air force space operations. The navy planned to do the same for their astronauts. Both services referred to the program as a “re-bluing,” a reference to the fact we would be back in our blue military uniforms. We would travel to various United States and overseas bases to be briefed on how military space assets were being used to counter the Soviet threat.

When word of this program reached the civilians in the astronaut office, one particularly bookish scientist challenged the fairness of it. “If the air force and navy are sending its astronauts on a re-bluing, what is NASA going to do for us civilians?” Mark Lee, an air force fighter pilot, looked at the whiner and replied, “You guys are going to get re-nerded.”

West Berlin was the best place to get eyeball to eyeball with the enemy, so the air force flew us there. This was 1987 and the infamous Berlin Wall still had two years of life left in it. We attended various classified briefings and got a helicopter tour of the Iron Curtain, flying over death strips guarded from watchtowers and barricaded with razor wire.

One evening we donned our uniforms, passed through a border checkpoint, and walked into East Berlin for supper. The city was still considered occupied and the military personnel of the occupying countries could pass into one another’s zones, although it was a one-sided passage. The East didn’t allow their troops into the West, knowing they would never come back.

In our walk from West to East we traveled back to 1945. Color had yet to come to this part of the world. Everything was gray and drab, even the clothing of the women. Remote-control TV cameras mounted on buildings watched us and other pedestrians. The streets were heavily patrolled by Kalashnikov-toting East German and Soviet guards. They glared at us like we were the enemy, which, of course, we were. As we passed one pair of guards, I pointed to a medal on my chest and said to John Blaha (class of 1980) in an intentionally loud voice, “And I got this one for killing ten commies.” The hostile expressions of the guards didn’t change. Apparently they didn’t speak English, which was probably a good thing for me.

Our air force host led us to his favorite East Berlin restaurant. I was prepared to be disappointed, but the place was clean, brightly lit, and staffed with young and beautiful East German fräuleins. As we entered, the rest of the patrons, all East German and Soviet military officers, gave us their best game face. We ignored them. Several tables were shoved together to accommodate our entourage and we got down to the business of drinking. We were soon a rowdy spectacle for the rest of the crowd. They stared at us with disapproving expressions, as if laughing and smiling were forbidden in the workers’ paradise.

Later in the evening an intoxicated John Blaha grabbed a vase of daffodils and began to peer into each bloom with the focus of a horticulturist. I wondered if he had slipped into alcohol poisoning, but he whispered to me, “I’ll bet the KGB has bugged this vase. They’re probably in a back room listening to everything we’re saying. Well, I’ll give them something to think about.” He lifted the flowers to his mouth like a microphone and began to speak loudly into their blooms: “Mike, wasn’t that briefing about our new F-99 Mach 7 fighter really interesting?” Then he handed the vase to me.

I joined in the fun. “Yeah, and to think Mach 7 is its single -engine speed.”

The others at the table picked up on our disinformation campaign and the vase of flowers went from hand to hand while the rest of our group made even more outrageous claims about secret weapon systems we had recently seen or flown. Meanwhile, the humorless commie diners stared at us as if we were mad. Since we were talking into daffodil blooms, I could understand their bewilderment.

When the vase finally made it back to Blaha, he closed the floor show by speaking into it in an exceptionally loud voice. “Why is it that visiting Soviet basketball teams never play the Celtics or Lakers? Whenever they come to the USA they always play some piss-poor university team. What are they…pussies?” We all wondered how that would translate back in the Kremlin.

Imagine my shock when, several months later, Blaha ran into my office with a newspaper article describing how the Soviets, for the first time in history, were going to allow their basketball team to play an exhibition game with an NBA team. “I told you that vase was bugged,” Blaha shouted. We laughed at the image of an army of KGB spies hunting for that F-99 fighter.

Our journey into the heart of the enemy camp wasn’t the highlight of that evening. Back at our hotel, four of us donned our bathing suits and headed for the sauna. There we encountered a middle-aged fräulein with a Mr. T physique who handed us towels and shower clogs and then pointed to our suits and said, “Nein.” The suits were not allowed. It was a nude spa. We exchanged a few self-conscious glances. But there were no other females present and only a saliva test would have confirmed our receptionist’s gender. We stripped. What a photo that would have made…four of America’s heroes marching to the sauna like we marched to our space shuttles, except we were marching completely bare-assed. We opened the door and entered a steamy room. When our eyes adjusted to the dim light we realized we were sitting with a half dozen naked women. The spa was coed. Oh well, when in Rome…

Later I was climbing out of a small pool when a very attractive and very naked German woman came to me. Someone in our group must have dropped the astronaut bomb because she wanted to ask a few questions about flying in space. I could barely understand what she was saying…not because her English was poor. On the contrary, it was excellent. Rather, it was because 99 percent of my meager mental powers were being used to force my eyes to look straight ahead. As she spoke, my brain was screaming, “ Don’t look down! Don’t look down!” I felt it would be a serious breach of naked etiquette to talk to her breasts, something we denizens of Planet AD regularly did with clothed women. Given my struggles it was a wonder I could form a coherent sentence.