Mike Mullane - Riding Rockets

“What is it that you feel is your unique strength?”

I wanted to reply, “I can hold an enema for fifteen minutes,” but instead said, “I always do my best at whatever I do.” For once, I told the truth.

Psych One’s interview continued. I was asked whether I was right-or-left-handed (right) and what religion I professed (Catholic). He also inquired about my birth order (number two of six). He seemed to write a long time after hearing these answers. I would later learn a disproportionate number of astronauts (and other super-achieving people) are firstborn, left-handed Protestants. Maybe my exclusion from all of those groups was the reason I couldn’t count backward by 7s.

Finally, I was excused to Psych Two. I walked slump-shouldered to another door, certain my astronaut dream was stillborn on the report that Yoda was finishing… Candidate Mullane unable to count backward by 7s.

Psych Two was the good cop in the good-cop/bad-cop routine. Dr. Terry McGuire welcomed me with a robust handshake and an expansive smile. I’ve seen that same smile on the faces of used car dealers. I looked for the diamond ring on McGuire’s pinky but it was absent.

Dr. McGuire was outgoing and talkative. He didn’t have a pencil and pad in hand. “Come in. Take a load off. Have a seat.” Another chair, thank God. Everything about his voice and mannerisms said, “I apologize for that other bozo you had to contend with. He’s got the skills of a chiropractor. I’m different. I’m here to help you.” Just as it is on the car dealer’s lot, I was certain it was all an act. He wasn’t after my wallet. He sought my essence. He wanted to know what made me tick, and, like Captain Kirk facing a Klingon battle cruiser, I was ordering, “Shields up!” My astronaut chances might already be headed down in flames but I was going to continue to give it my best shot until the rejection letter arrived.

After some small talk about the weather and how my visit was going (fine, I lied), the good doctor finally began his assault on those shields. He asked just one question. “Mike, why do you want to be an astronaut?”

I had always assumed I would be asked this question somewhere in the selection process, so I was prepared. “I love flying. Flying in space would be the ultimate flight experience.” Then, I added some bullshit to make it sound like love of country was a motivator. “I also think I could best serve the United States Air Force and the United States of America as an astronaut.”

Boy, did I slam-dunk that question, was my thought. The only way I could have done better was if I’d brought in Dionne Warwick to sing the national anthem in the background.

But I was wrong. My slam dunk was rejected. I couldn’t blow off Dr. McGuire with that rehearsed dribble. He looked at me with an all-knowing smirk and replied, “Mike, at the most fundamental level, we’re all motivated by things that occurred in our youth. Tell me about your childhood, your family.”

God, how I hated essay questions.

Chapter 2

Adventure

I was born a week after the end of World War II, September 10, 1945, in Wichita Falls, Texas. “He looks like a monkey” was my grandfather’s first impression. I had a mop of shaggy black hair and, just like a chimp, outward-deployed adult-size ears. Through my early childhood, my mom fought to correct this defect. At bedtime she would adhesive-tape the billboards to the sides of my head, hoping they would grow backward. But it was a lost cause. Somewhere in the night, nature would overcome adhesive and my ears would sprong outward like speed brakes on a fighter jet.

As I had told Psych One, I was the second child in a Catholic family that would ultimately include six children—five boys and a girl. When I was born my dad was serving as a flight engineer aboard B-17s in the Pacific, so it was left to my mom to name me. She picked Richard. I was only a few hours out of the womb and already burdened for life with wing-nut ears and the handle Dick. It was no wonder when my dad returned home he began to call me by my middle name, Mike. Christ, give the kid a break, I imagine him thinking.

Though the war had ended, my dad remained in the service. My earliest memories are of weekend visits to air-base flight lines and sitting in the cockpits of C-124s and C-97s and C-47s and other cargo planes, where Dad allowed me to grab the control yokes and “steer” the parked monsters. He also took me to base operations, where aircrews were arriving from all corners of the globe. They would give me silver wings right off their chests, brightly colored patches, and strange coins from faraway lands. In my eyes they were heroic beyond anything Hollywood could conjure.

My dad was a New Yorker, an Irishman born and raised in Manhattan. He was full of amazing, colorful, exaggerated, and frequently untrue stories. No doubt his blarney was a source of inspiration for me. He made flight out to be a thing of grand adventure, particularly his flying experiences in the Pacific theater of WWII.

He described being attacked by Washing Machine Charlie, a Japanese pilot who kept the Americans from getting any rest by flying over their Philippine base at night and dropping pop bottles from an antique bi-plane. The air whistling over the openings would produce the scream of a bomb, sending everybody out of their bunks and into shelters.

“Boys, we named him Washing Machine Charlie because that damn Jap [with my dad, Japs were always “damn”] had the worst-running engine we ever heard. I know he tuned the engine wrong just to make it sputter and backfire and keep us awake. It sounded like a dying washing machine.” Then Dad would put on a goofy Red Skelton–like face, purse his lips, and produce a litany of fart sounds to describe the offending machine. My brothers and I would laugh and laugh and beg him to “pretend to be Washing Machine Charlie.”

A boom of thunder would put us on another flight. “Boys, one time our damn navigator [like Japs, navigators were always “damn”] got us lost in a thunderstorm. Lightning hit our plane. I could feel it crawling all over my body. My hair exploded off my head, which is why I don’t have any today. It heated the fillings in my teeth and I burned my tongue when I touched it to the silver.”

On other occasions he would swoop through our room with arms outstretched describing how gooney birds (albatrosses) would perch on the wings of his B-17 and hitch a ride during takeoff. The birds would spread their own giant wings and use the rush of air to achieve flight.

I suspect my dad, flying late in the war, never really saw a Japanese fighter aircraft but you would have never known it from his stories. He told of being shot down and parachuting into an island jungle. He and his crew teamed up with native freedom fighters and fought their way to the coast, where an American submarine rescued them. I now know this never happened, but his colorful fiction planted a seed in my soul. I wanted to live this same adventure. I wanted to fly.

Every year or two my dad would be transferred to another base and like Bedouin tribesmen we would pull up stakes and head for a new horizon. Locales in Kansas, Georgia, Florida, Texas, Mississippi, and Hawaii would ultimately boast a Hugh J. Mullane mailbox. For me every move was eagerly anticipated. I couldn’t wait for the moving van to drive away and a new adventure to start. Curled in a blanket in the back of a car, like puppies in a basket, my brothers and I would fall asleep to the rhythmic thump-thump-thump of the pavement. It was the heartbeat of anticipation, of the unknown. Sometimes I would awake in the middle of the night and savor the smells of a new climate or watch lightning flash in the distance. During the day we’d stop at weathered signs advertising fresh fruit and buy buckets of ice-cold sweet cherries. We’d stop at gas stations with signs reading, “Last gas for 100 miles.” I would watch my dad fill a canvas bag with water and hang it over the Indian-head hood ornament of our Pontiac station wagon. I was giddy with the thought of a highway that would be empty for one hundred miles. Later I learned there was a gas station every twenty miles with the same sign. But at that age, twenty miles was as good as a hundred. I would lean forward in my seat and stare over my dad’s shoulder at horizons so crystalline they looked as if they were painted with a single-haired brush. I’d watch watery mirages sheen the blacktop in front of us and spinning dust devils, and blue-black thunderstorms pregnant with rain walking on stilts of lightning. And there was that unending song leading me into the emptiness, thump-thump-thump .