Meg Cabot - Princess on the Brink

And I dropped the necklace on the floor—because he wouldn’t take it—and ran out of there before I choked on my own tears.

And now Ephrain Kleinschmidt has pulled up in front of my building and wants seventeen dollars. I’m going to give him a twenty and let him keep the change as a tip. I owe him that much, at least, for all the Kleenex. Which I finally did start using, because I totally can’t stop crying. There’s no WAY I’m going to be able to hide what happened from my mom. If she’s still up when I get inside, anyway.

If this is what self-actualization feels like, all I have to say is, I was a lot happier before I became self-actualized.

Thursday, September 9, 11 p.m., the loft

Mom was up. Because Lars, not finding me at Michael’s, called her. They were talking as I walked through the door.

I’m in bed now with a cool washcloth over my forehead. That’s because when she hung up with Lars and asked me where I’d been, I had to run for the toilet, where I threw up my bluefin tuna two ways with artichoke salad with fava beans and scallions and Parmesan shavings. Not to mention the chocolate mousse.

I’ve gotten her to promise not to call Dr. Fung’s emergency service. The only thing about me that’s sick is my heart.

And I’m pretty sure Dr. Fung doesn’t have a prescription for what’s wrong with it.

Thursday, September 9, 11:30 p.m., the loft

Mom says she doesn’t think Michael not telling me about losing his virginity to Judith Gershner is that big a deal—not worth breaking up with him over, anyway. Her exact words were, “Oh, Mia. It’s just SEX.”

That’s easy for her to say. She lost her virginity when she was younger than me, and to a guy who is now married to a former CORN PRINCESS. AND she’s happily married to someone else. Of course it’s just SEX to her. To me, it’s my LIFE.

“Mom, he LIED to me,” I said.

“Well, he didn’t EXACTLY lie,” Mom said. “I mean, you asked him if he and Judith were going out. And they weren’t.”

“Mom. GOING OUT implies sleeping together.”

“Since when?” Mom wanted to know. “I thought HOOKING UP meant sleeping together. And you didn’t ask Michael that. You asked him if he and Judith were GOING OUT.”

The reason we both know this is because I went back through my old diaries, just to make sure I was right.

And I was.

“Are you sure you didn’t pick a fight with Michael over this because it’s easier for you to cope with him being gone if you’re mad at him than if you were still loving him, and missing him all the time?” was her next totally off-the-wall question.

Yeah, right, Mom. Because I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

I didn’t tell her how the subject had come up. I mean, about HOW I’d found out about Michael and Judith. The last thing I need is my mom knowing what I’d tried to do—you know, convince Michael not to go to Japan by sleeping with him. She wouldn’t be TOO disappointed in me for being such a bad feminist and using sex as a manipulative tool, or anything.

The phone just rang. I didn’t even check the caller ID to see who it was, because I knew. Who else would call this late, and risk waking up Rocky (who could sleep through a war protest…and actually has)?

And Mom confirmed it when she looked in to say it was Michael, saying sorry to call so late but I wasn’t picking up my cell and he wanted to make sure I’d made it home okay.

Like I’ll ever be okay again.

Mom asked if I wanted to speak to him and I just looked at her and she said, “Um, Michael, now is probably not the best time,” into the phone and went away.

My chest feels funny. Like it’s empty and hollow inside. I wonder if this is because I just barfed up my dinner, or if it’s because my heart has shattered into so many little pieces, it’s basically disappeared.

Thursday, September 9, 11:45 p.m., the loft

Michael just e-mailed me:

SKINNERBX: Mia, I don’t understand what just happened. Judith Gershner is a nice person, but she’s never meant anything to me and never will. I don’t understand how the fact that I slept with her two years ago, BEFORE YOU AND I EVER WENT OUT, is a valid reason for you and me to break up. If that’s what just happened, which, as I said, I’m not even sure about, because you were acting so weird.

And as for your thinking that I expect you to wait for me while I’m in Japan…well, yeah, I guess I kind of thought you would, considering the fact that part of the reason I’m going is to improve the chances of our being able to have a future together. Maybe that’s a lot to ask. Maybe I have no right to expect it. I don’t know. I don’t understand any of this. Could you maybe call or write back and possibly explain? Because I’m apparently clueless. And this is all so stupid.

God. That is so like him. What is so stupid about my wanting a boyfriend who actually VALUES intimacy and doesn’t dismiss his first sexual experience as just “messing around”?

And okay, she already had a boyfriend, apparently. That just makes it worse. He was messing around with a girl who was messing around with him BEHIND HER BOYFRIEND’S BACK.

And JUDITH GERSHNER???? How could he have had sex with JUDITH GERSHNER???? And not have TOLD me???? I mean, I have eaten LUNCH with Judith Gershner. I have gone ICE-SKATING with Judith Gershner.

And okay, just once. But STILL. I had NO IDEA she and my boyfriend had been…you know.

But I SHOULD have known. I mean, all the signs were there. That time she put her arm around his chair. And ate his garlic bread. I can’t believe I was so blind.

I can’t believe Michael wasted his Precious Gift on HER when he didn’t even LOVE her.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOYS????

Uh-oh. Someone is texting me on my cell. This is just—

Oh. It’s Tina.

TINAHAKIMBABA: Mia, where r u? What happened? Did u give him ur Precious Gift? Is he still going to Japan? Text me back!

I HAVE to text her back. I HAVE to tell her what’s going on.

HRHMIAT: He said he was going to Japan whether we Did It or not. And Michael already gave his Precious Gift to Judith Gershner!!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God for Tina. I love her so much.

HRHMIAT: I KNOW!!!!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA: BUT HE DIDN’T LUV HER!!!!!!!!!!!

HRHMIAT: He said it didn’t mean anything, they were just “messing around.” Tina, what am I going 2 do?????? How could he not have told me?????

TINAHAKIMBABA: But he DID tell U.

HRHMIAT: A little late!!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA: But he TOLD u.

HRHMIAT: HE DIDN’T EVEN LOVE HER!!!!!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA: Lots of times in romance novels the hero has had meaningless sex with women B4 he meets the heroine.

HRHMIAT: WITH JUDITH GERSHNER?????

TINAHAKIMBABA: Well, no. But it just makes it MORE meaningful when he and the heroine finally Do It. Bcuz sex is so much better when u luv the person.

HRHMIAT: I CAN’T BLIEVE U R DEFENDING HIM!!!! He said he was going to Japan even if we DID IT!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA: I think U R right to B mad. But did U really break up?????

HRHMIAT: I gave him back his snowflake necklace.

TINAHAKIMBABA: MIA!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HRHMIAT: TINA, HE LIED 2 ME!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA: No, he didn’t! He DID tell U. Eventually.

HRHMIAT: That is not the point. The point is JUDITH GERSHNER GOT 2 TOUCH IT B4 I DID!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA: Lilly got 2 touch it b4 I did.

HRHMIAT: BUT SHE IS UR FRIEND!!!!! Besides, Boris and Lilly did not go ALL THE WAY. And Boris is not moving to Japan and leaving you alone for a year. Or MORE!!!!

TINAHAKIMBABA: True. Oh, Mia. I’m so sorry. I’ve g2g, my dad says I’ve reached my limit in text messages this month—ttyl!