Meg Cabot - Princess on the Brink

Well, I understand why you’re doing it. I mean, you love him, and so naturally, you don’t want to lose him. And I know Boris didn’t help at lunch yesterday, when he said all that stuff about clarinetists. Although truthfully, Mia, I highly doubt Michael is going to run into any clarinetists in Japan.

Still, I’m not sure I can risk it, Tina. I’ve got to do SOMETHING. I’ve got to TRY.

Right. But are you REALLY ready to go All the Way? I mean, have you been practicing with the showerhead, like we learned how to do that night we sawThe 40-Year-Old Virginon pay-per-view?

Of course! That movie was SOOOOO educational.

Right. And I mean, according to that movie, the whole thing should only take about one minute, given that this will be Michael’s first time.

Yes, but then according to that movie, the second time should take TWO HOURS.

It took me that long the first time with the showerhead. But I think it was because I was thinking about the wrong person. I was thinking about Boris, but later I figured out it works much better if I think about Cole fromCharmed .

Me, too! I mean, about the two hours. But James Franco fromTristan & Isolde , not Cole.

Do you think it’s going to work in real life? I mean, without water?

I don’t know, Tina. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take, if it will mean keeping Michael by my side.

I totally understand. And I am with you 100 percent. You have condoms?

Of course. And I’m stopping by Duane Reade after school for some contraceptive sponges. Because you know condoms alone are only, like, 95 percent effective against preventing pregnancy if used correctly. I can’t risk that extra 5 percent.

But what’s Lars going to say when he sees you buying contraceptive sponges? He’s going to know they aren’t for a class, like the condoms were. He takes all the same classes as you do—even if he doesn’t exactly pay attention in them (then again…neither do you)!

I’m going to tell Lars they’re a joke present for you. So play along, okay?

Ha. Ha. Ha. A joke present for me. That’s really funny.

Well, I can’t say they’re a joke present for Lilly, because what if Lars asks her????

You aren’t telling Lilly about this?

Tina, how can I? You know what she’ll say.

That if Michael doesn’t go to Japan, then his robotic surgical arm will never get made, and thousands of people will die who might not otherwise if you had just let him go?

Ouch, Tina. That really hurt.

I mean, I’m just saying that’s what LILLY would say. I don’t really BELIEVE that. At least, not very much. Michael is a very resourceful person. I’m sure he’ll find a way to make his robotic surgical arm here. It’s just that…did I mention my dad is on medication now for high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and his doctor says if he doesn’t cut back his red meat intake, he’s a prime candidate for bypass surgery?

Well, tell your mom to stop letting him order so much orange beef from Wu Liang Ye.

Yeah. I will. Oh, Mia! This is so exciting! You’re going to be the first one in our group to give up her Precious Gift! Except Lilly, of course, if she and J.P. really Did It over summer break.

And you’resure you don’t hate me for it? I mean, that I’m not waiting until the night of our senior prom, like we agreed?

Oh, Mia, of course not. I understand that there are mitigating circumstances. I mean, if Boris was offered first chair in some orchestra in Australia and was seriously considering going, I would do the exact same thing. Except, of course, Boris playing first chair at the Sydney Philharmonic isn’t going to save anybody’s life, let alone prove himself worthy to a nation over which I might one day rule.

Thanks, Tina. I really mean that. Your support means a lot to me.

That’s what I’m here for!

Really, could there BE a better friend than Tina Hakim Baba? I don’t think so.

Okay, so:

LIST OF THINGS TO DO BEFORE HAVING SEX:

Get contraceptive sponges

Shave underarms/legs

Shave bikini area????

Find fancy lingerie (Do I OWN any fancy lingerie? Oh, there’s that lavender silk teddy and tap pants from La Perla Grandmère got me for my birthday. They still have the tags on them. I hope I don’t get a rash from wearing them without washing them first.)

Deodorant

Check for unsightly blackheads

Ditch Lars (Easy. I will just tell him I am going to Michael’s apartment for the evening and that he can come back and pick me up at eleven. Then I will make Michael sneak out down the stairs and leave through the basement of the building. Then we can take a cab up to the Ritz. Michael might get suspicious, but I can just tell him it’s part of the surprise.)

EXFOLIATE!

Jolen mustache

Feed Fat Louie

Thursday, September 9, Lunch

So today when I got to the caf I found that someone had placed, on each and every lunch table, little triangular table-toppers that had all these warnings written on them. Like the one on our table said:

WARNING:

Did you know that the single most likely to occur crisis currently facing Americans is a pandemic? With bioterrorism a real threat, and air travel as popular as it is today, deadly diseases such as avian flu and smallpox could erupt in our population at ANY time. Would YOU know what to do in the event of a bioterror attack?

PRINCESS MIA OF GENOVIA DOES.

Vote for a REAL LEADER.

Vote SMART.

Vote for Mia.

One on a nearby table said:

WARNING:

Did you know that if a dirty bomb (an explosive device containing radioactive material inside of it) went off in Times Square during school hours, even a mild wind could blow contaminated air our way in a matter of minutes, causing radiation poisoning leading to cancer and/or death? Would YOU know what to do in the event of a dirty bomb attack?

PRINCESS MIA OF GENOVIA DOES.

Vote for a REAL LEADER.

Vote SMART.

Vote for Mia.

And on the next table, one that said:

WARNING:

Did you know that in 1737 and again in 1884, New York City was rocked by estimated 5.0 earthquakes? The city is MORE than due for another one, and considering that much of lower Manhattan sits on sediment excavated from the World Trade Center when it was first built, and that most buildings here on the Upper East Side were built before earthquake-mitigating building codes were required, what are our chances of survival if a 5.0 or greater earthquake hit during school hours? Would YOU know what to do in the event of such a catastrophe?

PRINCESS MIA OF GENOVIA DOES.

Vote for a REAL LEADER.

Vote SMART.

Vote for Mia.

You didn’t exactly have to be a REAL LEADER to figure out where these cheery little placards had come from. The minute I saw her coming toward our table, her tray piled high with salad and skinless chicken (Lilly has been trying to eat healthier lately. She’s already lost ten pounds and looks much less like a pug than she used to. You can almost see her cheekbones), I went, “What do you think you’re doing?” and pointed at the table-topper.

“Cool, huh?” she said. “J.P. ran them off on his dad’s copier at his office.”

“No,” I said. “Not cool. Lilly, what are you trying to do? SCARE people into voting for me?”

“Exactly,” Lilly said, sitting down. “That’s the only thing these kids understand. They’ve been raised on Fox News and sensationalist journalism. They wouldn’t know a real issue if one smacked them in the face. All they understand is fear. That’s how we’re going to win their votes.”

“Lilly,” I said. I couldn’t believe this. “I don’t WANT people to vote for me because they’re scared they won’t know what to do in the event of a dirty bomb attack if they don’t. I want them to vote for me because they agree with my values and support my stand on the issues.”