Steel, Danielle: The House On Hope Street

“I don’t know what to say.” She had friends who went out with men for years who never took them seriously, never proposed, and had no desire to, and she had just spent her first weekend with him, and he was talking about the future. “It’s only been eleven months since Jack died. That’s not very long. I need time to readjust and get back on my feet again, and so do the kids.”

“I know. I’m not in a hurry. And I know how important the year is to you.” She talked about it a lot, and it was a milestone she obviously respected, as did her children. And he had to respect it with her. “I was hoping we could talk about it again in January, after the holidays, and see how you were feeling. I was kind of hoping that Valentine’s Day …” Her heart give a little tug as his voice drifted off. Valentine’s Day had meant a great deal to her and Jack. But so many things had, and they were gone now, except for the children.

“That’s just three months away,” she said with a look of panic. But it meant a lot to her too that he was asking.

“We’ll have known each other for six months by then. It’s fast, but respectable. A lot of people know each other for less, and have very happy marriages.” She knew that was true, but she and Jack had known each other for a long time. And she had been unprepared for what Bill was saying to her. She wasn’t averse to it, but she needed time to think it over. He looked at her then, with everything he felt for her in his eyes. “I’ll do whatever you want, Liz. I just want you to know how much I love you.”

“I love you too, and I feel very lucky. Some people aren’t that lucky once, I’ve been blessed twice, but I still need some time to get over what happened.”

“I know that. I’m not rushing you. But I guess what I want to know is if, in time, you might want the same future I do.”

“I think so,” she smiled shyly, and then took a breath and let her emotions rule her for a moment. “I just need time to get there. Let’s talk about it again after Christmas.” She wanted to honor the year, for Jack’s sake, and her own, and the children’s.

“That’s all I wanted to know,” he said gently, and took her hand from across the table. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got all the time in the world to put this together. As long as it’s what we both want, there’s no hurry.” He was reasonable and kind and compassionate, she couldn’t have wanted more from any man, and she wasn’t even sure Jack would have been as understanding. He was far more impatient and stubborn, and less willing to follow her lead. More often than not, it was Jack who determined both their pace and their direction. In some ways, it was more of a partnership with Bill, and she liked that.

They drove slowly back to Tiburon that afternoon, and the children were all home when they arrived. She could see Megan raise an eyebrow when she got out of Bill’s car, but nothing was said until later that evening, when the younger children were in bed and Peter was busy doing his homework in his room.

“Why were you in Bill’s car?” Megan finally confronted her in her bedroom that night. “Did you spend the weekend with him?” Liz hesitated for a moment, and then nodded. If she was going to marry him eventually, which was the direction they seemed to be heading in, from everything they’d said over the weekend, she wanted to be honest with her daughter.

“Yes, I did. We went to the Napa Valley.”

“Mom!” Megan shouted at her. “That’s disgusting!”

“Why? He cares about me a great deal, and I care about him, there’s nothing wrong with that, Meg. We’re not hurting anyone. I think we love each other.” But it was a heavy dose for her daughter to swallow.

“What about Daddy?” There were tears in her eyes when she said it.

“Daddy’s gone, Meg. I loved him with all my heart and always will. This isn’t the same, it’s different, for me, and for all of us. But I’m not going to be alone for the rest of my life. I have a right to someone in my life.” She spoke to her daughter as gently as she could, but it needed to be said.

“That’s sick!” Megan chastised her, furious with her mother. “It hasn’t even been a year since Daddy died. I never knew you were a slut before, Mom.” Her eyes were blazing and Liz stood up in anger as she said it. She had never laid a hand on her and she didn’t intend to start now, but she wasn’t going to let her behave that way either.

“Don’t speak to me that way. Now go to your room until you can be civil. If you want to talk about it with me, you can, but you can’t be disrespectful.”

“I have no reason to respect you!” Megan said grandly from the safety of the doorway, and then slammed the door, and ran into Peter’s room and told him what had happened. But instead of sympathizing with her, he called her a bitch and told her to apologize to her mother. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

“Hers,” he said bluntly, “she’s done everything for us, and she loved Dad just as much as we did. But she’s all alone, there’s no one to help her or take care of her, she works like a dog for us, and to keep Dad’s law office open. And besides, Bill’s a nice guy and I like him. We could do a lot worse, so if you want to know whose side I’m on, I’m on their side. Don’t ask me for sympathy if you’re acting like shit with Mom, Meg.”

“You’re an asshole!” she shouted at him, with tears brimming in her eyes. “And besides, she has us, she doesn’t need some guy to sleep with.”

“She can’t sleep with Jamie for the rest of her life. What happens when we go to college? I’ll be gone next year, you’ll be gone in two years. Then what? She’s supposed to sit here waiting for us to come home from school so she has a life again? She has no life without Dad, Meg. Look at her, all she does is work and drive carpool. She deserves better than that, and you know it.”

“Not yet,” Megan said, overwhelmed by what he’d said, as she sat down on his bed and started crying. “It’s too soon. I’m not ready.” He sat down next to her and put his arms around her then, he had grown up immeasurably in the past year, even more so since his accident, and they all knew it. “I miss Daddy,” she wailed, sounding like Jamie.

“So do I,” Peter said, fighting back tears of his own. No matter how much he had grown up, or how sensible he was, he still missed him. “But whether or not Bill is here, it won’t change that. Nothing will. We just have to accept what happened.”

“I don’t want to,” she wailed, getting mascara all over his T-shirt. “I want him back.” There was nothing he could say to her, he just held her while she cried, and they both thought about their father.

And finally, after Peter talked to her for a while when she had calmed down, Megan went and apologized to her mother. She stood awkwardly in the doorway, after opening it without knocking.

“I don’t like him, but I’m sorry for what I said about you.” It was the best she could offer, and her mother acknowledged the apology with a serious expression.

“I’m sorry you’re so unhappy, Meg. I know this isn’t easy.”

“You don’t know what it’s like for us, you have him now,” she said accusingly, and Liz sighed as she looked at her.

“Being with Bill doesn’t make me miss Daddy any less. Sometimes it makes me miss him more. This isn’t easy for any of us. And I know how hard it is for all of you.” It was getting better for all of them, but slowly.

“Do you really love him, Mom?” Megan still looked horrified by what her mother had said, and she wished she’d never heard the words.

“I think I do,” Liz said honestly. “I need time to figure it out. He’s a nice man. That’s all I know right now. I still have a lot to sort out about Daddy.”