E. Lockhart - The Boyfriend List

I had just spent most of the day down at the end of it, but I said okay.

When we got there, he broke up with me. Only, he kept saying it like I wanted it, too.

“We haven’t been getting along,” he said. “We want different things.”

“I don’t think I’m the one for you,” he said. “I don’t think I make you happy.”

“We need time to think things over,” he said. “You need someone different from me.”

This is Jackson Clarke, I thought, who used to really like me.

This is Jackson Clarke, who used to be mine.

This is Jackson Clarke, who kissed me last night.

This is Jackson Clarke.

This is Jackson Clarke.

This is Jackson Clarke.

“Why?” I asked him.

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “We just need to think it out.”

“Was there something I did?”

“Of course not. Don’t be so sensitive.”

“You’re breaking up with me and you want me not to be sensitive?”

“You blow things up, Roo. I’m not breaking up with you. It’s not like that. I’m just saying we should have some time apart. We both know that’s true.” 5He looked at his watch. “I gotta go. I have to be at that thing at seven. I’m sorry.”

I sniffed. “Can’t you call and be late?”

“I really can’t,” he said.

“Why not?”

He didn’t answer. “We’ll be friends, right?”

I nodded.

“That would mean a lot to me. I do like you, Roo.” 6

He kissed me quickly on the cheek, and stood up to leave.

I started to cry.

He was already walking up the dock. I heard his car door slam. The engine turned over, and he drove a way.

I called Kim three more times that nigh t, but I couldn’t reach her. Cricket and Nora had gone to the movies, but at nine o’clock they answered Nora’s cell together. “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry,” said Nora, over and over, but she kept interrupting everything I was saying to explain the situation to Cricket, who was sitting right next to her saying “What? What is it?” all the time.

“I’d kill Pete if he ever did that to me,” said Cricket, when she finally grabbed the phone. “Did I tell you what he said about the Spring Fling?” Then we lost the connection because they were in Nora’s dad’s car and he was driving over the bridge.

I told my parents about the breakup on Sunday at dinner. I had to explain because my mom asked why my eyes were all puffy.

Mom: “Oh, I never liked him anyway. He’s a horrible boy.

Dad: “Elaine, she needs to come to a place of forgiveness. Otherwise she’ll never move on.”

Mom: “It just happened. She needs to vent. She needs to express her anger.”

Me: “Mom, I—”

Mom: “Roo, be quiet. She needs to raise her voice and be heard!”

Dad: “I wonder how Jackson is feeling right now. Roo, can you think about his perspective, come to an understanding of his position? Because that’s the way you’ll truly transcend the negativity of this experience.”

Mom: “I never liked the way he’d honk the horn for you without coming in.”

Monday at school, I felt lost. The beat of every day had been Jackson. Early morning, he’d be in the refectory drinking tea. After third period, quick kiss in the main hallway. We’d usually eat lunch together; I’d see him crossing the quad after fifth; and he’d be waiting for me after lacrosse practice (swim season is over). Now, I spent the day half avoiding him and half hoping he’d see me in one of our usual spots and have a change of heart. But when I finally did see him in the refectory at lunch, he was sitting with Matt and a bunch of the guys. “Hey, Roo,” he said, “what’s up?”—and turned away, before I could even answer.

Kim was shocked and sweet when I saw her in first period and finally told her what had happened, although she said a few things that in retrospect seem evil: “You were kind of expecting it, though, weren’t you?”

No.

“But things had been getting weird for a while.”

“I don’t know what happened,” I said. “It’s like he turned a switch off inside himself. Just since Friday. He liked me on Friday, and on Saturday he didn’t care.”

“You’ll be happier without him, though,” said Kim, patting my arm. “If you ask me, he was never the one for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You two are mismatched,” said Kim. “It wasn’t going to work out.”

“Mismatched how?”

“You know, you want different things,” she said.

“Like what? Was he talking to you about me?”

“No, that’s not it,” said Kim. “I’m trying to cheer you up, Roo.”

“I can’t be cheered up,” I said.

“Sorry.”

“I don’t mean to snap at you,” I said. “It’s just the most frogless of all frogless days.”

“Let me buy you an ice cream,” she said, putting her arm around me. And she did. I had a toasted almond from the refectory, right after first period.

That was on Monday. T hat afternoon I went over to Cricket’s and we all made chocolate chip cookies and ate them with our feet in the hot tub. Tuesday was the same living hell as Monday, only it was clear the entire school knew that Jackson had broken up with me, and people like Katarina and Ariel said, “Ruby, how are you feeling?” in a know-it-all sympathetic way, and people like Matt and Kyle said “Hey” in the hallway but didn’t stop to talk like they used to.

Tuesday after lacrosse I went with Cricket and Nora to the B&O. Kim didn’t want to come; she said she had a lot of homework.

Finn Murphy was there behind the counter. He was moping around, like a muffin with all the blueberries picked out, Cricket said. Finally, he came over to our table and sat down for a minute. Hey, what was Kim up to? he wanted to know. Where was she? Did we know whether she’d been busy lately, or something?

She wasn’t picking up her cell. He actually hadn’t seen her all weekend.

None of us knew, but when he left to go back to work behind the counter we concluded that Kim had definitely lost interest in the stud-muffin. Poor little muffin. Mini-muffin. Mopey muffin. We left him a big tip and a funny note on a paper napkin.

Wednesday morning, Kim announced she’d broken up with Finn. He wasn’t “the one,” and she felt like she was wasting her time. She was a little shattered, though, she said. He was such a nice guy.

The rest of the day was normal, aside from my broken heart.

Wednesday night, Kim called me at home. “Roo, I wanted you to hear it from me,” she said.

“Hear what?” She had called during dinner. My mother and father were eating steamed mushrooms, tofu and brown rice, listening to every word I was saying.

“Please don’t be mad.”

“I won’t,” I said. I couldn’t imagine what I’d be mad about.

“Promise?”

“Okay, okay. What is it?”

A pause. “Jackson and I are going out now.”

I couldn’t even say anything. I just breathed into the phone.

“We’re such good friends,” she said. “He was talking to me about all the problems you two were having, trying to work stuff out, and that brought us really close together.”

“What problems?” I didn’t even know Jackson thought we had problems.

“It wasn’t like he was saying anything bad,” said Kim. “It was like he needed support. He needed someone who’d be there for him.”