E. Lockhart - The Boyfriend List

“Maybe he didn’t understand you.”

“What?”

“Maybe Jackson didn’t understand you. What you needed on Valentine’s Day.”

“It’s a stupid holiday,” I said.

When we got home from the appointment with Doctor Z, John Hutchinson (aka Hutch) was drinking pop on our front deck.

That’s right. Hutch. Boy #3. On my deck.

My dad was next to him, beaming. “John, you know Roo!” he cried. “Here she is!”

“Hey there, Hutch,” I said. What on earth was he doing at my house?

“Hey, Roo.”

“Hutch! Is that what the kids call you?” My dad punched him on the arm playfully, all man to man.

“Nah.” Hutch shrugged. “My friends call me John.”

What friends?

“How come you’re here?” I asked.

“John answered my ad for a carpentry and garden assistant,” my dad said. “I put a flyer on the Tate bulletin board. You know, I’m greenhousing the southern deck?”

I knew. It had been my dad’s dream to turn our southern deck into a tiny greenhouse, so his beloved plants wouldn’t die over the winter, and so he could grow some exotica that would die in typical Seattle weather. He had been arguing with my mom about it for two years. She wanted him to relax and hang out with her on weekends, and use our savings for a family vacation. He wanted to spend the money and the weekends building the greenhouse.

“John’s a plant man,” my dad enthused. “He wants to be a botanist. But he’s handy with a table saw, too, aren’t you? And I’m going to teach him everything I know.” My dad is never happier than when he’s building something.

Hutch smiled and showed his gray, heavy-metal teeth. “Great houseboat,” he said. “I never knew you lived in one of these.”

Since when did he want to be a botanist? What was that yellowy stain on his KISS T-shirt? Why didn’t he do something about his skin? I couldn’t believe he was going to end up being the second boy ever to come over to my house and see my bedroom. “Why in the world would you know where I lived?” I snapped.

I didn’t wait for a reply. I went inside and slammed the door.

I threw myself on the couch and turned on the TV, but I could hear my parents talking outside. “Don’t mind Roo,” Mom was saying. “Her boyfriend dropped her and she’s been mopey ever since it happened. Full of anxiety.”

“It’s not about you,” my dad added. “She’s working through a lot of pain and forgiveness issues.”

“And expressing a little adolescent rage,” my mom said. “Kevin, I think we should actually be pleased to see Ruby expressing her anger openly. Don’t you think that shows progress? She turns everything in on herself, John. She doesn’t talk freely about her emotions. But she’s seeing a therapist, and we’re hoping that will help.”

“Uh-huh,” Hutch mumbled.

“Maybe that’s normal for people your age,” my mom went on. “What do you think?”

At that point, I went into the bathroom, took a long hot shower and tried to pretend none of them existed.

1 A massive, unfounded, sexist generalization, I know. Mr. Wallace would never let me get away with saying that.

But it’s still how I feel.2 Kim bought it. She has a secret method for buying such things. She always gets tampons along with it, figuring the checkout clerk will be either too busy avoiding looking her in the eye because of the tampons, or will assume that whatever it is—cigarettes, beer, Playgirl—is just part of a routine drugstore run and not anything she came in specially to buy.3 Yes, Tate is that Christiancentric (as Mr. Wallace would say). They have a Christmas dance for the sixth, seventh and eighth graders every year. It’s like they never even heard of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or atheism or Buddhism.4 Everyone at Tate has everyone else’s phone number. There’s a directory we all get every September.5 Katarina and Ariel and Heidi were always talking about their phone conversations with boys. Already, in sixth grade. I’d think, How do they get started with these things? Do the boys just call them up for no reason? Or do they make an excuse, like Oh, I forgot the math homework? Or did the girls call the boys? I just can’t picture any of the eleven-year-old boys we knew making phone calls on a regular basis.6 And once they were on the phone, what on earth did they talk about? At least with an IM, you can take a second to think about what you’re going to write, figure out something to say.7 Not that any boys were IM-ing me in sixth grade, either. They definitely weren’t. I just think I would have liked it better than phone calling, if they had.8 Kim’s analysis, back then: Chase was just shy. Doctor Z’s analysis, now: Josh was the one who liked me and Chase never had anything to do with it at all.(!!)9 This sounds desperate, don’t you think? I mean, what idiot would still want to go to a dance with a person he really liked, when the person made it clear that the situation was only platonic and it was basically a pity date? You’d spend the whole evening feeling like a reject.10 Oh, my God! I’m that idiot! That is exactly what I did with Jackson and the Spring Fling! I am obviously a desperate reject, as you will soon find out, if you keep reading.11 In Painting Elective, we had been given this ridiculous assignment where we had to “convey the essence of the poem ‘How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways,’” and most people painted hearts and flowers and sunsets, but Noel painted a car wreck, working off a photo he had from a newspaper, and I painted a frog. Anyway, the poem he sent me started, “How do I love thee? As much as this carnation is worth (a dollar). As high as a pig can fly.” And so on. So it wasn’t serious.

8. Sky (but he had someone else.)

Doctor Z thinks I have panic attacks because I don’t express myself. Like I’m repressing how I really feel, and all this repression triggers anxiety. Blah blah blah.

To take it out of therapy-speak, Doctor Z thinks I’m lying way too much of the time. She thinks I lie to my parents. She thinks I lied to Jackson.

She thinks I lie to myself, mainly. Not about truths or facts. About feelings.

And all that lying makes me not be able to breathe, because the horror that’s inside me pretty much has to express itself somehow, so it starts my heart up like a jack-hammer and turns off my lungs.

I never thought of myself as someone who lies at all. Actually, I think I’m pretty truthful. But maybe she was right. “How can I be honest with anyone when everyone is lying to me ?” I said to Doctor Z.

“Who’s lying to you?”

“Jackson.”

“Who else?”

“Kim.”

“Who else?”

I felt like there were hundreds of people. But I couldn’t think of anyone.

We were silent.

“Who is it that you’re not honest with?” asked Doctor Z.

“No one.”

“No one?”

“I’m not a liar.”

“I’m asking if there are times when you don’t tell the truth about how you feel.”

“I’m not a liar.”

“Ruby, that’s not what I asked you. I asked if you were honest about your feelings.”

Ag. Therapy is such a pain in the ass. I told her I wanted to change the subject and talked about how annoying my mother was for the rest of the hour. 1But then I went home and I made a list of all the lies I told to Jackson.