Tara Kelly - Harmonic Feedback

I sat up, closing my eyes. “I have…” My lips tried to form the word, but I couldn’t quite do it. “I don’t know how to say this.”

“Sometimes the only way is to stop thinking of how you’ll say it, and just say it. It’s kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid.”

I opened my eyes and faced him. “I have ADHD and something called Asperger’s syndrome. At least that’s what they tell me. It’s kind of like—”

“I know what it is. My niece is autistic.”

“Oh. Well, it’s milder than autism. Like, in my case, the doctor said I didn’t need special classes or anything, because my grades are pretty good.”

His arm pressed into mine. “You’re just a geek. Like me.”

“You don’t seem surprised.”

“I’m sorry.” He smiled. “Was I supposed to do a cheer for you?”

“My mom told you, didn’t she?” Somehow I felt that—no matter how well he was trying to hide it.

“Yeah, when we took her car out.” He put his hand on my knee. “She was just looking out for you, I think. She didn’t know what my intentions were.”

“And that’s my whole problem. She treats me like I’m retarded, like I can’t do things for myself.”

“Drea, she’s a mom. You know mine didn’t let me cross the street by myself until I was, like, ten?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” I looked away, folding my arms across my stomach.

“Because I know it’s a lot bigger deal to you than it is to me. And I wanted to hear it from you.”

“How can it not be? It’s not like I’m confessing to needing eyeglasses here.”

“It’s just a word, Drea. A definition for a certain way of thinking. There’s nothing wrong with it. My niece does some pretty brilliant things.”

I glanced up at him. “Most people don’t see it that way.”

Justin ran the back of his hand down my cheek. “I know. But I’m not most people, so stop trying to put me in a box.”

“I’m working on it.” I let a grin escape, but it quickly faded when I reminded myself I had to tell him everything. “You and Naomi are the first friends I’ve had in a really long time. And I made that skydiving thing up. I’ve never actually had a boyfriend.”

“Why did you think your dating history mattered to us?”

“Because you guys were the first people to treat me like nothing was wrong with me. I’ve had labels thrown at me my whole life. Teachers calling me socially immature, kids calling me a freak, doctors checking off symptoms so they could plop a diagnosis in my lap. All because I don’t understand some invisible set of social rules. Lie about this, but don’t lie about that. Smile—even when you aren’t happy—but don’t smile too much. Too much is weird. Look people in the eye but, again, not too much. That might freak them out. It’s like acting in a play. I’ve tried to learn my lines, but I’m not very good at it. And with you guys, I wanted to be good. I didn’t want you to start looking at me like everyone else.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve never been in a relationship, and I don’t have many people I’d consider real friends.”

“What about that girl you fell in love with?”

He squinted at the lake. “We messed around, but we were never together. And after that, I didn’t want to get close to anyone. Committing to anything or anyone scared me. It still kind of does.”

I thought about asking what messing around entailed, but I decided to drop it. It bothered me—made me feel more alone. Like I was the only person my age who hadn’t experienced a real kiss. The kind that made people see stars.

“Naomi doesn’t know about me yet. I wanted to tell her today, but I couldn’t,” I said.

“Why not?”

“She said I was the only person she trusted.”

“All the more reason to tell her.”

“Don’t say anything to her until I do. Please.”

He leaned closer to me, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. “I wouldn’t do that.”

I turned away from his stare. “What does your sister think of you missing school?”

“She allowed it for today only. This weekend brought back a lot for me. I needed some time to think. But then you went and found me.”

“Sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be.” He put his arm around me, giving me a quick hug. “Let’s get you home so you can wash that skirt.”

We took the long, no-muddy-grass-involved way to his car. When he opened the door for me, I stopped and looked at him for a second. I wanted him to lean in and kiss me, like they did in an eighties movie Mr. Diaz showed. They kissed in the pouring rain—I thought that was cool.

Justin raised his eyebrows. “You getting in?”

“Yeah, guess so.” I collapsed into the seat, feeling frustrated and relieved at the same time.

Justin didn’t say much on the way home, but I was okay with that. I never got why people had issues with silence, especially with good music playing. He gave me a hug and said he’d see me tomorrow. And that I’d better be prepared to jam.

I was more than ready.

Mom shuffled away from the living room window when I walked in. “I thought you said you were out with Naomi.”

A lump formed in my throat. I wanted to tell her everything—what happened over the weekend, the things Justin said. How lost I felt. I wasn’t used to keeping things from her. “She had stuff to do with Roger.”

A smile flickered across her lips. “I see.”

“Why did you have to tell Justin about me?”

She sighed. “I’m happy that you’re making friends here, baby. But new friends bring new experiences, and I want them to understand you, why you may not always react how they expect.”

There she went again. Talking to me like I couldn’t handle anything on my own. “How can anyone really understand anyone? We aren’t in each other’s heads,” I said.

“Well, that’s true, but—”

“Why do I need a disclaimer? It’s not like I’m hurting people… or myself. And it’s not like I don’t try. I try really hard.”

Her dark eyes softened. “I know you do. And I am proud of you. I hope you know that.”

“Then why do you have to tell everyone that I have Asperger’s?”

“It’s not a dirty word, Drea. It just means that you have a unique mind, which is something you should embrace. The world needs more people like you.”

“Then why are you always trying to change me?”

Mom moved closer to me, shaking her head. “I’m not. I’m trying to teach you ways to cope—how to communicate with people who don’t think like you do. It’s a good skill for anyone to have, a necessary one.”

I looked away, clasping and unclasping my hands. She’d told me this before. It seemed rehearsed, like lines she’d memorized out of a book. “I wish you’d give me a real answer for once.”

She rubbed her temple, her mouth turning down at the corners. “Okay, Drea. What is it you’d like me to say or do? I’m only trying to—”

“Help. I know. But you aren’t helping by treating me like a baby, by telling people that something is wrong with me before they even get to know me. Let me decide if I want them to know or not.”

“I don’t use the term wrong . I just explain your diagnosis and how it affects you. But”—Mom held her hand up, giving me her stop sign before I could interrupt—“I won’t tell anyone else without your permission.”

“That’s all I wanted.”

She wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tight. “I know you want to work a lot of this stuff out for yourself, but it’s hard for me to let go. Be patient with me, okay?”