Tara Kelly - Harmonic Feedback

“And when we fought,” she continued, “we’d have amazing make-up sex in the back seat.”

My body tensed at her words. That wasn’t something I wanted to picture.

“Then afterward,” she sighed, “we’d split a doobie and fall asleep under the stars—or on a rickety hotel bed. Whatever we could afford that night.”

“A doobie?”

“Yeah, yeah. No drugs for you, right?” She nudged me. “Little Miss Squeaky Clean.”

I looked away, clutching the cover underneath me. “Drugs don’t do for me what they do for you.”

“What’s your dream?” she asked.

“My dream?”

“Yeah, what is one thing you want to do before you die?”

I wanted to get through another day without being found out. I wanted Naomi and Justin to like me. I wanted to experience a real kiss and see those stars everyone talked about. “I’m pretty simple, really. I want to produce music and make it sound just the way I hear it. So many songs are missing that vibration, the kind that moves through my body and makes the world vivid. I want to see colors I never knew existed.”

She stared at me for a few seconds, running her finger along her mouth. “That’s exactly what I love about being high. I guess music is your drug of choice.”

I nodded and smiled. It was good to feel understood, even for just a moment.

After she left, I got back to work on my wah pedal. But my brain wouldn’t shut off enough to focus. I kept going over the whole afternoon with Naomi. How I could’ve acted cooler, more relaxed, like her. Words just flew out of her mouth. She didn’t have to think about what she said or make anything up. But I was constantly on edge, trying to cover my mistakes. I had to think about everything .

Keep my voice neutral. Sometimes people thought I was being snippy when I wasn’t. Remember to smile. Laugh when she laughs. Pretend to know about boys.

My entire body felt weak and my eyes scratchy. Trying to be normal was tiring. I sat in front of my computer and stared at the Google logo on my browser. I wondered what other people in my situation did.

I typed in the words and bit my lip. Asperger’s community . Maybe there was nobody who completely understood. But I had to find out.

I found a link to a message board that had many different sections, one being relationships. A thread called Friendship with an NT caught my eye, so I clicked on the heading and scanned the page. Apparently, NT stood for neurotypical , which was a term that referred to the so-called neurologically normal. I liked the second half of the word—typical. Some of the things people said about NTs made me nod and smile, especially when they talked about how an NT could be obsessive too. Why was it considered normal for a girl to live for fashion and makeup, but not car engines or bugs? And what about sports fanatics? My mom had a boyfriend who would flip out if he missed even a minute of a football game. Wouldn’t that be what doctors considered autistic behavior?

My eyes caught the topic Coming Out. I clicked on the link, skimming the post.

I told my NT friend about me yesterday. Now she’s asking a million questions. She keeps adding “do you understand?” at the end of her sentences. I told her I was the same person she met three months ago. She said she knows, but wants to make sure I get everything she says. And if I don’t, to tell her. I hate it. I hate that she treats me like a completely different person.

I let my breath out slowly. Not what I wanted to read.

Naomi decided to blow off our band practice for Scott on Friday, leaving Justin and me alone in the parking lot. This sucked, since Justin had offered to help us move her drum set to my basement.

“Maybe I should give you those driving lessons instead,” he said.

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He opened the door for me. I was beginning to savor the earthy smell of his seats. “Why? Can’t drive a stick?”

“Um—I have issues with the gas and the brake.”

He smirked and pushed the door shut. This was the fourth time he’d given me a ride home. But Naomi was with us the last two times. She usually did most of the talking.

Justin slid into his seat, still grinning. “Does your mom drive an automatic?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Would she let us borrow her car?”

“Possibly, if we stay in a very empty parking lot. She said that’s the only way she’d get in a car with me.”

He scrunched up his face and started the engine. “Ouch.”

I was beginning to enjoy driving down Holly Street and watching all the people milling around on the sidewalks. Shopping bags, dreadlocks, grins, steaming coffee cups, and “give me money” signs—all of it streamed by like a peep show into another world. “We could work on a song. Naomi can do the vox later,” I said.

“I’ll drop you at home so you can prepare yourself for a grueling driving lesson.” He looked over at me as we stopped at a red light. “Then I’ll run back to my place and get my keyboard. We’ll jam later.”

“We can go to your place now.” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t need time to prepare.”

“Nah, I live in the opposite direction. Take a shower or something—I’ll be back in no time.”

I tilted my head to sniff my armpits. Did I remember to put deodorant on this morning? “I want to see your Bösendorfer.”

“You will one of these days.” He shifted down and bit his lip. “My house is kind of a mess right now.” We made a right onto my street a little faster than necessary.

I pushed the door open after he pulled up to the curb. “See you in a bit, then?”

He winked. “Give me ten minutes.”

I was going to head straight for the shower. Maybe he was hinting at something. People did that.

But Mom greeted me at the front door. “Your friend has a nice car.”

“I guess.” I pushed past her.

“Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” I said, picking up speed. “He’ll be back—we’re going to work on our film project.”

“I see.”

I looked over my shoulder and cringed at the grin on her face. It was like she knew exactly how I felt around him. She’d always told me that it would happen. One of these days, some lucky boy is going to give you butterflies in your stomach. Just wait . I’d told her to keep dreaming.

Warm rays of water trickled down my neck a few minutes later. Part of me couldn’t help but think what if—what if Naomi was right and Justin wanted me? I’d think he would’ve told me or asked me out at least. Maybe Naomi was wrong. She was definitely wrong about Scott.

By the time I got out of the shower, Justin was sitting at the kitchen table with Mom. Just great.

“What are you guys talking about?”

Mom gave me that knowing smile again. “I was going over the rules with your driver’s ed instructor here.”

I glanced from her to Justin. He smiled at me like nothing was different, but I never did pick up on subtle body language. For all I knew, she had told him all about my refusal to take baths when I was younger. “You’re letting us borrow your car?” I asked Mom.

She nodded.

Justin downed the glass of water in front of him and drummed his hands against the table.

“Can we go now?” I didn’t want to give Mom the chance to say anything more to him.

“Sure,” Mom said. “And you’re welcome.”

I looked away. “Thank you.…”

“Be careful. Pay attention to what he says.” She stood up and tried to give me a hug.

I pulled away from her. “Mom, please.”

I studied Justin’s face after we got into the car. He handled her keys like they might break and carefully turned the ignition.