Edeet Ravel - Look for Me

“What about his family?”

“They were upset, but for them, for his parents and sister, the main thing was that he was alive. They didn’t understand me, and I was angry so I stopped visiting them. Maybe I was just jealous that they had a consolation I didn’t have. He didn’t even leave me a child. If only I had got pregnant! I tried, we tried, and I did get pregnant once, but I had a miscarriage in my sixth month. Maybe something went wrong when I miscarried. After that we kept trying but nothing happened.”

“How long were you together?”

“Seven years and two months. We had a cat, but she died last year.”

“When did you get pregnant?”

“When I was twenty-two.”

“You were nineteen when you married?”

“Yes.”

“If it took you three or four years the first time, even though you had sex every day, you aren’t infertile, it probably just takes you longer.”

“Not every day, we did something every day, but he didn’t always come inside me, there were other things we liked. But you’re right, in the middle of the month we always tried.”

“Maybe that was your mistake. My mother always told me the magic number was ten, ten days after your period starts, she said that was the fertile day, not the middle. She has to be an expert, she had nine kids.”

“Nine …”

“Two died at birth, but she did have nine.”

“Which were you?”

“Second. What wil you do about Daniel?”

“I just have to nd someone else in Intel igence. At least now I know that the army knows where he is—al I have to do is nd someone who wil tel me. Such a uke! This could real y be it; this could nal y be the key. After so many dead ends. Do you know anyone I could ask?”

“No, but it shouldn’t be too hard to find someone.”

“I just don’t understand it. Why aren’t they tel ing me? Do they want to protect me, or him, or themselves? It doesn’t make sense.”

“My guess is they want to protect you from something, but I can’t figure out what it is.”

“You know, now that I think back to that secretary who spent a lot of time trying to get the information for me, I think she also saw what this guy Aaron saw. I remember she was reading the screen, and I was sure she’d nal y found something, but then she shook her head. But I remember wondering what she’d read, why it had taken her so long. She wasn’t even supposed to be going into those les—she was doing it because she hated her boss, I think, and also she wanted to help me. But then when she found the information, she changed her mind.”

“Maybe he’s more handicapped than you think.”

“But he was fine when he left the hospital.”

“Maybe something happened to him afterward.”

“Maybe something happened to him afterward.”

“No, it can’t be that, that wouldn’t stop them from tel ing me. It’s something else. This is so crazy! But I’m excited, too. I think I’m get ing close; I mean, if I just nd the right person now, I’l know. I’l know! I might be seeing Daniel soon. I might be seeing him in a few days, even. I can hardly believe it. This is the first real lead I’ve had!”

He looked at me and laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“You look like Joan of Arc.”

“Wel , imagine. Imagine. I’ve been waiting eleven years. I’ve been waiting eleven years for a lead. Such a uke. Such a uke that I met this guy. He was trying to pick me up.”

“Did he succeed? Not that it’s my business at al , so you don’t have to answer. Forget I asked, in fact.”

“He didn’t succeed. I think I’m even a bit insulted by the question.”

“No one expects you to live like a nun.”

“Yeah, wel . It’s not my style. And usual y I wouldn’t even talk to him, but I just felt like it, I don’t know why. And he asked about Daniel.

Imagine if I hadn’t met him. On the other hand, imagine if I’d met him ten years ago! I don’t even want to think about that.”

“You know what the Buddhists say.”

“No, what do they say?”

“Things happen when they happen.”

“I read the exact opposite somewhere,” I said. “I read that the devil is in charge of timing.”

“Yes, I guess that’s the opposite approach.”

“Nothing can make this long wait a good thing. There aren’t any advantages. None, none, none.”

“Let’s go to the sea—do you want to?”

We walked to the sea and sat on the sand and stared at the black waves. The white foam crescents along the edge of the waves rol ed toward us and then vanished, like the smiles of ghosts. We sat side by side and watched the waves rising and fal ing, but we didn’t touch.

WEDNESDAY

I DREAMED I FOUND DANIEL, and he was living with another woman, a tal woman who was young and beautiful. Then I realized that she was blind.

And I thought, I can be blind too, if that’s what it takes. I can wear a blindfold. And I began thinking about al the things I’d have to learn to do while wearing the blindfold. It wouldn’t be so hard, I thought. In the dream it seemed like a simple thing, being blind.

When I woke I remembered that my photographs were ready and I went to pick them up. I walked home slowly, made myself café et lait, sat down at the kitchen counter, and stared at the envelope. Final y I opened it.

The one of the donkey was very good. The photos of the children were lovely as always, though not because of anything I’d done. There was also a good one from the upper story of the warehouse: a young woman I didn’t real y remember, with both hands on her ears, and a terrified young man next to her. I captured that second when the sound grenade explodes, the fear in their faces and bodies. The photographs of the soldiers, on the other hand, were static, the angles weren’t good, and you couldn’t real y see their faces. I threw those out.

Unfortunately, the photo of the woman who had the seizure didn’t come out either. The tear gas had prevented me from focusing or framing properly. I kept it, though; I added it to a shoe box marked not good but can’t throw out.

The photographs of the two friends were my favorite of this lot. I noticed things about them which I hadn’t seen at the time: for example, the man who had given up hope had delicate hands with long slender ngers, and his more optimistic friend was much more depressed than I’d realized when I’d spoken to him. In fact, it was no longer clear which one of them was ready to keep trying and which one wasn’t. The man who seemed to have given up on the future looked thoughtful and wise in the photograph, while his friend’s shoulders were slumped forward in defeat.

There was one photo of Ra . I had caught him in pro le, looking down at the soldier. His expression was serious and angry, but his body was completely calm, as if he were enjoying an outing at a vacation resort.

I couldn’t decide what to do with the photograph. I wanted to hide it, but I knew it was already too late. It had always been too late; from the moment I saw Ra in the warehouse it was too late. I couldn’t bear the thought of concealing something from Daniel when I saw him, and now it seemed I might be closer than ever to nding him. Daniel was moving away from me just when I was closest to reaching him. I wanted to stop his retreat, but I didn’t know how to do it. It wasn’t Ra ’s fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I placed al the photographs, including the one of Rafi, in a shoe box marked September and slid it under my bed.

I returned to the counter and made a list of activists I knew who might have a link to someone in Intel igence. I wondered whether I should also contact Daniel’s family and tel them what had happened, but I didn’t real y have any news for them yet. Besides, if I found out where he was, I had to go see him first, before anyone else. Before he had a chance to escape again.