Edeet Ravel - Look for Me

But now as I walked down the familiar streets, the city could have been invisible, I could have been sleepwalking through it.

The Ministry of Defense was inside a military complex surrounded by a tal wal and barbed wire. Demonstrations against the ministry were held on a smal raised lot facing the entrance to the complex. A few bored soldiers were stationed on the sidewalk in order to protect us from ru ans, though if a drive-by shooter decided to target us, there was nothing they’d be able to do. The odds were against a violent at ack, though. Most of the lunatics lived in the territories and they spent their energy tormenting Palestinians.

Ra was already at the lot, standing next to a stack of signs. Sixty or seventy protesters had come to demonstrate, and they were mil ing around in their usual bewildered way, holding signs that condemned the latest bombing at ack on a Palestinian town.

I climbed up to the lot and approached Ra . I noticed when I stood next to him that we were exactly the same height. He didn’t have his hat on, and he wasn’t wearing sunglasses.

“What did you find out?” he asked, as though we were in the middle of a conversation.

“I’m not sure. It’s very strange.”

“Do you want to go for supper after the demonstration? You can tel me about it then.”

“Yes.”

Down below, on the sidewalk, a few women dressed in black had wrapped their heads in ka yehs and were holding stones in their hands, to show solidarity with the Palestinians. Not everyone approved of the women and some demonstrators grumbled, but there wasn’t much they could do. One of the women had a can of orange spray paint. She came up to us and o ered to spray our IDs orange; she also handed out lit le stickers for the inside aps that said MY DEATH MAY NOT BE USED FOR ACTS OF REVENGE. My ID was already half orange (some of the paint had come of ) but I took a sticker and so did Rafi.

A soldier from Army Radio came over to Ra and asked him to say something about why people were demonstrating. She had round pu y cheeks and bangs that reached her eyebrows. I took several photos of her young, open face; she was gazing at Ra like someone caught in limbo, on the verge of entering either heaven or hel : it wasn’t clear to her which one it was likely to be, so she was hedging her bets. When Rafi was through, she thanked him and moved on to someone else.

The demonstration lasted an hour. Cars passed by on the street and the drivers looked at us with interest. Some of them shouted out insults, and some honked. A long honk meant they were angry and a few short honks meant they agreed with us—at least that was my interpretation.

At eight o’clock everyone piled the signs in a heap and went home. Ra carried them to his van, which was parked nearby. I fol owed him and helped load the signs in back. Then we left the van where it was and began walking toward a street with a lot of restaurants. As we walked, Rafi phoned Graciela on his mobile phone.

“I met Dana at the demonstration and we’re going to have a bite,” he said. “I don’t know how long I’l be. Do you need anything?”

But Graciela didn’t need anything.

“She doesn’t mind?” I asked.

“Not at al . She likes having the place to herself in the evening. She takes a long bath, listens to requiems and operas. She’s a solitary person.”

“How did you meet?”

“At the supermarket. Do you want to eat here?” He stopped at a sidewalk restaurant. We bought sandwiches and french fries at the counter and sat down with our trays at one of the tables. The metal lat ice tabletops had tiny diamond-shaped gaps between the strips and I ran my fingers along the pat ern.

“Mercedes came over,” I said. “She cleaned up. And I had my fortune told by Tanya, who lives upstairs.”

“What did she tel you?”

“It was a scam. She gives massages.”

“Wel , at least you got something for your money.”

“I dreamed you were trying on outfits,” I said.

“Did I find one?”

“You asked me for advice, but I didn’t have al the facts, so I couldn’t decide. You’re acting like it’s no big deal that we’re here,” I said.

“You’re acting like it’s okay that you’re here with me at this restaurant and it doesn’t mat er and no one cares and so what?”

“It does mat er. It mat ers a lot. And it’s okay, for me. I can’t speak for you.”

“It isn’t okay. I love my husband.”

“You can love more than one person,” he said.

“No, no you can’t. That’s not love. Love means that the person you love is enough for you, and you don’t want or need anyone else and no one else interests you.”

“Love means you are completely helpless and there’s nothing you can do about it except duck or plunge. But you can’t change it, you can’t

“Love means you are completely helpless and there’s nothing you can do about it except duck or plunge. But you can’t change it, you can’t change the way you feel.”

“You’re making things worse, let ing this happen between us. You said you wouldn’t hurt me.”

“There are some things even I can’t control. I’d like to control my appearance in your dreams, for example, but I can’t.”

“You could have stayed away from me.”

“You could have stayed away from me, Dana. What did you find out about Daniel?”

“I met a guy in Intel igence. Just by chance, on the beach. And when he heard about Daniel he said al he had to do was look him up on his special computer and he’d be able to tel me where he was real y living. Not his fake address, the real one. I didn’t think he’d nd anything, but he seemed so sure. He told me to cal him today at six in the evening. But when I cal ed he said he couldn’t tel me anything and I’d just have to forget Daniel. But he didn’t say he didn’t have the address. He did have it, but for some reason he couldn’t tel me. I don’t understand it. On the beach he said I had a right to know. But now that he has the information, he’s changed his mind. So he must have found out something he didn’t expect. But what?”

“That’s strange. It’s strange that Daniel managed to hide in the rst place. Such a smal country, surely someone would nd out and tel you.”

“No one knows what he looks like now. And he probably uses another name. Maybe he never goes out. Maybe he’s in an at ic somewhere, and someone brings him food and whatever he needs. Maybe a friend of his is hiding him, the one who used to leave those notes on the door. I’ve thought of everything. I even thought he might be living in a tent somewhere in the desert. Daniel Daniel Daniel Daniel Daniel Daniel Daniel Daniel.”

“Do you think what that Intel igence guy found out is that Daniel is living with another woman?”

“No, I asked him that. He said Daniel is alive and he lives alone. And that’s al he would tel me. He’s the sort of person who can’t lie. You know the type?”

“Yes. They’re rare enough. Wel , maybe he’s in some sort of institution?”

“No, I checked every single institution when he rst vanished. I hired a private detective, she checked every place like that. Resorts, rest homes, mental institutions, everything. And she stil checks them once a year. Besides, why wouldn’t this guy want to tel me something like that? He wouldn’t hide that sort of information. No, it’s something else.”

“What would you do if you got his address?”

“Knock on his door. And I wouldn’t move or eat until he came out. I’d go on strike. He’d have no choice but to relent.”

We didn’t say anything more after that. When we finished our meal he said, “I’l drive you home.”

“I want to walk. I like walking.”

“I’l come with you.”