C. Omololu - Dirty Little Secrets

I watched Vanessa walk up the dimly lit street, her multihued blond hair waving behind her like a shimmering stream and the three-inch heels she was wearing not slowing her stride a bit. I envied Vanessa not because most of her butt was hanging out of her skirt—that just made me feel colder—but because she truly never cared what other people thought of her. She’d say something mean about someone, something that most everyone had probably been thinking, anyway, but the difference was she’d say it to their face. That kind of behavior didn’t make people hate her like you’d think it would. Instead, it made most people hope that they weren’t the one she was talking about. She had always left me pretty much alone. So far.

Kaylie wriggled out of the backseat and jumped to the ground. “Let’s do it.”

I’d left the house so quickly I didn’t have anything with me, and it made me feel kind of naked. I stuck my hands in my jacket pockets to warm them. Teddy B.’s leg was near the left pocket under my jacket, and I gave it a little squeeze for luck or courage or something.

I tried to be cool as we walked into the party. A few people I didn’t recognize weren’t so much dancing as swaying in the middle of the living room floor. One girl dressed in a pink sweater was draped over the shoulders of a short guy in saggy jeans. She looked like she was sleeping.

“Most people are probably out back,” Kaylie said, and, grabbing my hand, pulled me toward the sliding glass doors at one end of the room.

It was so cold outside that there were puffs of steam hovering just over everyone’s heads as they exhaled. At the back of the patio on a small raised deck, Josh stood with a guitar slung low on his hips and one hand on the microphone. He was wearing a thin T-shirt and jeans, in contrast to everyone else who was bundled in down jackets and scarves. The muscles in his arms were marked by ropy veins that pulsed every time he played a chord on the guitar. Even from back here I could see the sweat dripping down the side of his temples, and the front of his hair was plastered to his forehead. There was a group of people gathered around the makeshift stage, with a bunch of girls lining the front. The waves of desire between the crowd and the band were almost physical as Josh began to sing, his eyes closed with the effort. All of a sudden I wished I hadn’t come. Josh could have any girl here—why did I think he’d want me? That he had his arm around me just a few hours ago seemed suddenly impossible.

I felt like I did the one and only time we’d spoken at school earlier this year—stupid and delusional. I’d been standing by my locker shifting books out of my backpack when I saw him a few feet away talking to Steve Romero. I heard Steve slam his locker and walk away, which is why I was totally startled to see Josh still standing there as I turned to go to class.

“Hey,” he said, smiling at me, either not noticing or ignoring the fact that I jumped a mile. “We have physics together, don’t we?”

“Mmm hmm.” I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to say actual words.

“You’re Lucy, right?” he said, not waiting for an answer. “I’m Josh. Josh Lee.”

“I kn—” I realized almost too late that “I know” would be kind of obvious. “Right,” I finally said, managing a tight smile. “Yeah, I’m Lucy. Tompkins.”

He turned to go and I stood there hyperventilating like an idiot, not believing we had an almost-conversation. After a few steps, he turned back to look at me. “Come on,” he said. “We’d better hurry if we’re going to make it before the bell.”

I took a few quick steps to catch up to him. “Right,” I said. “Physics.” Our strides matched as we walked down the hall, me racking my brain trying to come up with something interesting to say. Luckily, Josh didn’t seem to have the same problem.

“God, Ms. Lucas is killing me this year,” he said. “I thought chemistry was bad, but sometimes it’s like she’s speaking another language.”

“It’s not so hard,” I said. Art was my favorite subject, but I always did pretty well in science too. I watched our feet as they stretched over the worn linoleum floor, not daring to look up into his face. “She usually explains things pretty well. Plus, physics is kind of fun if you look at it the right way.”

“Are you kidding me?” Josh asked. “Fun? No wonder you’re always getting As. We should study together sometime, just so I don’t screw up my GPA. Then you can show me how physics is fun.”

I glanced up to see if he was kidding, but he was looking at me seriously out of the corner of his eye. “Um, we could do that,” I said. “That would be cool.” I couldn’t believe that Josh Lee was actually walking through the hall asking me to help him with physics. Maybe we could go to the café and study, our heads bent over one of the tiny round tables as we ordered coffee after coffee to keep us working until late at night.

Josh’s smile widened. “Maybe—”

“There you are!” Cara squealed, jumping on his back and draping her arms over his shoulders. “I’ve been looking all over for you.” She buried her face in his neck, and I just stared, wishing so badly I had permission to do the same thing.

He reached up and grabbed her by the arms. “Hey, Cara,” he said, laughing a little. “We were just heading to class.”

Cara slid off his back. “We?” she asked.

“Yeah.” He nodded in my direction. “You know Lucy?”

She glanced at me for a second longer than necessary and said, “Um, not really.” Cara turned her full attention to Josh. “Listen, I need to talk to you about Friday night.” She pulled him over to the lockers and leaned in so they could talk quietly, leaving me standing alone in the stream of people heading to class. I watched for a second as they surrounded themselves with the privacy that only long-time couples seem to have—studying each other, oblivious to everyone else around them.

“Well,” I said quietly and sighed. “Guess I’ll see you in class.” I walked slowly toward the science wing, feeling like an idiot but also grateful that I hadn’t made a complete ass of myself. Like Josh would ever choose me over Cara. Or over anyone.

Now here I was doing the same thing again—having crazy fantasies about Josh when he was just being polite. Kaylie stood on her tiptoes surveying the crowd. “I think I see Steve over to the right.”

“I’m freezing,” I said. “I’m going back inside.” I wanted to get out of there before Josh knew I’d come. I couldn’t compete with all of the normal girls in school—there was no use even trying.

“What’s inside?” Kaylie asked. “All the good stuff is out here.” She looked at me and then back to the band. “What you need is some beer. Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

With the crowd around the keg as huge as it was, I figured she’d be gone for ages, but she was back in a minute or two.

“Here,” she said, handing me a blue plastic cup. “Careful, it’s a little drippy.”

“How did you do that so fast?”

“I have my ways,” she said. She looked over my shoulder to see if Steve was still there. I wished I could be more like her and look straight at what I wanted. And navigate a keg in under two minutes. “Drink it quick. It’ll relax you.”

I took a tentative sip of the beer. It tasted like vomit. I tried hard not to wrinkle my nose in disgust.

“Is it bad?” Kaylie asked. I handed her the beer and she took a small sip. “Just like them to get a keg full of crap beer.” She handed it back to me. “Doesn’t matter, though, it’ll do the trick.”

Vanessa and Tricia came over with their own matching blue plastic cups. The beer was cold and my hand was getting numb. They should give you those cardboard sleeves like they do at Sienna when the coffee is too hot for the cup.