C. Omololu - Dirty Little Secrets

I reached the corner and stood under the streetlight watching the traffic signals change from green to yellow to red and back again like they were part of a universal rhythm. I had no plan, only vague thoughts that passed through my head like vapor, only to disappear as quickly as they had formed.

Without realizing I was even moving, I found myself standing in front of Kaylie’s house. I stared at the front door and tried to decide if knocking was what I really wanted to do. The minivan was in the driveway, and I could see a light on in her window upstairs.

“Lucy!” she squealed when she answered the door. “Why didn’t you call? We totally would have come picked you up.”

“It’s okay,” I said, amazed that my lips were moving in a coherent manner. “I needed the walk.”

“Is your mom better?”

“About the same,” I whispered. I felt like I was watching everything happen from very far away. It was safer than being inside my body and feeling empty.

“Well, I’m glad you changed your mind,” she said. “I was just getting ready to go—Vanessa’s sister is picking me up on the way.” She turned her head and looked at me more closely. “You okay? You look like hell.”

I ran my hand over my hair and could feel it sticking up in more than a few places. “Oh, yeah,” I said. “I just didn’t have a chance to—”

“Not to worry. You’ve come to the right place.” I climbed the stairs to her room a few steps behind her. “I got this killer new straightener that will work magic on your hair. That and a few swipes of Plum Sable eye shadow should have you back on track.”

We passed the bathroom, and I realized that what I really wanted was to stand still somewhere and let stinging droplets of hot water wash this entire day down the drain. “Actually, Kaylie, could I, uh, take a shower maybe?”

“Okay,” she said, apparently not thinking it was a weird request. “But make it quick.”

My brain whirred on empty as I stood under the pounding water, feeling it flow over my shoulders and down my back. For the first few minutes I just stood there soaking, inhaling the steam and the heat, breathing it deep into my lungs. I grabbed the washcloth Kaylie had given me, lathered with sharp, clean-smelling citrus soap, and scrubbed until my skin was raw. Shampoo was dripping down my face when the door to the bathroom opened.

“Lucy?” Kaylie said as she tiptoed in. I had tucked Teddy B. into my jacket, which was folded on the floor, and I prayed she wouldn’t see him. I’d forgotten I even had him on me, but now that he was here, it seemed important that he stay secret. “I brought you those jeans that are too long for me and that cute black-and-white-striped shirt that made me think of you when I bought it. No offense, but if we’re going to the party, you need something else to wear.”

I rinsed and stuck my head out of the curtain. “Thanks,” I said. All I wanted was to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and sleep for about a hundred years.

“If you’re going to get Josh Lee, you have to look hot. Hurry up so I can do your hair and stuff before we go.”

I wished I had left my toothbrush over here, as I rinsed my mouth with toothpaste. My clothes were in a heap on the floor, so I rolled them into a tight ball and stuck them behind the door. They were just one more reminder of what I’d left behind, and it would be fine with me if I never saw them again. Holding my jacket to my nose, I sniffed to see if the mold and the garbage and the mess had gotten deep into the fibers. It seemed okay, but just to be sure, I sprayed it lightly with the perfume Kaylie had on the counter. I tucked Teddy B. into my jacket and zipped it up over him. I didn’t know why, but I felt calmer with him pressing into my side.

Kaylie looked me over as I came into her room. “What’s with the jacket? Are you still cold?”

I zipped the jacket up higher. “A little.”

“Sometimes you have to sacrifice comfort for fashion.”

“I’ll take it off when we get there,” I lied. Actually going somewhere, especially somewhere that Josh was going to be, seemed impossible, but I felt like I was being carried downstream in a strong current that had nothing to do with me.

“Okay, sit down here.”

I sat numbly on her bed while she hovered around with a little dash of this and a little dab of that. The blow-dryer felt nice on my neck, and I let her do what she wanted while I sat and thought about absolutely nothing. I came back to the present as she clipped the metal plates on my hair until they sizzled.

“Ow!” I jerked away from the iron.

“Ooh, sorry!” she said. She rubbed my ear. “I do that all the time.” She took a step back and admired her work. “You look awesome. Between the haircut and the straightener, it’s just a little badass. Close your eyes.”

She sprayed a nice-smelling mist over my head. “That ought to last the rest of the night.”

I peeked around her until I could see myself in her mirror. It didn’t look that bad. My hair stuck out like it did before I washed it, only now it looked as if it were on purpose. My eyelids wore a shade of purple so dark they looked vaguely bruised.

“Josh is going to freak out,” she said. “You should wear makeup all the time.”

I shrugged and made a face. I could pile the entire drawerful of stuff on my face and it wouldn’t make any difference. Not after tomorrow, anyway.

“Seriously,” she said as she unplugged the straightener. “I think he’s totally into you, and this is going to prove it.” Kaylie rubbed her hands together. “I promised Vanessa I’d be ready at nine, so we should go downstairs. This is going to be great. Maybe if you hook up with Josh, he’ll ask you to the Spring Formal. You’re so lucky.”

I tried to think that far ahead, but my thoughts ran into a deep black hole. Nothing existed beyond tomorrow when Sara came home and found out what had happened. All of a sudden I knew I couldn’t go through with it. There was no way I could go and be with people and act normal. Not with my entire life unraveling by the minute.

“You go ahead,” I said, my voice shaky. “I can’t. I’m just going to . . . I’m just going to go home.”

Kaylie looked concerned. “What’s the matter? Are you sick?”

“I just . . . I . . .” I slid to the floor and put my hands over my face. It felt like a wave filled with everything wrong with my life was crashing over me—Mom lying under the sheet, mountains of garbage that I could never fix even if I had months instead of hours, piles of bills that threatened everything we had left, and images of our neighbors shaking their heads as they looked through our open doors at the truth we’d been so careful to hide all these years. I felt myself gasp as the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I brought my knees up to my chest. I couldn’t believe I was actually sitting on Kaylie’s rug bawling like a baby, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Kaylie knelt next to me. I could feel her arm around my shoulder and smell her perfume, but I didn’t dare take my hands away from my face. What if I broke down and told her the truth? “Lucy,” she said softly. “Hey, Luce, what’s going on? Come on, whatever it is, we can fix it.” One hand patted my shoulder as she held me closer.

“There’s nothing you can do,” I whispered, my voice raggedy with crying. “There’s nothing anybody can do. It’s over.”

“Listen, listen,” she said, trying to pry my hands from my eyes. “I’m your best friend, right? Right?”

I nodded, but the thought brought a fresh batch of tears coursing down my face. For the next few hours she was, but then what?

“Then you’ve got to tell me what’s wrong,” she said. “I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.”