Jill Smolinski - The Next Thing on My List

Susan-who apparently didn’ t get the memo about the mai tais-slurred, ‘ As shoon ash the boysh are grown, I’ m gonna shkydive. Ish my life’ sh dream.’ Chase caught my eye and winked. The wink said, Bet I’ m going to get booty tonight-and it’ s not even a holiday.

‘ How about you, Bob?’ my mom asked. ‘ What would be on your list?’

‘ Hard to say. At this point in my life, I don’ t worry about those sorts of things. I’ ve got Charlotte, a great house, a solid job& I don’ t need to ‘ do’ things to feel fulfilled.’

Hello-was that my brother who said that? It looked like my brother. Same brown, short-cropped hair, same Delaney nose, same teen idol dimples. It was starting to make sense why Charlotte couldn’ t get pregnant-aliens had obviously kidnapped my brother and were wearing his body as a disguise.

My mom shot me a look. See?

Charlotte beamed. ‘ Can you believe this guy?’

Susan lifted her mai tai to take a sip but missed her mouth. ‘ That’ sh beautiful, Bob. Jush beautiful.’

‘ That’ s what I’ m always trying to tell my brother,’ my dad chimed in. ‘ He’ s always boasting about how his kids did this and that& one’ s a doctor& one’ s a big la-de-da producer. And I think, What a blowhard. My kids won’ t wind up doing a damn important thing in their lives! They won’ t save anybody’ s life! Won’ t write a novel! Hell, my daughter’ s pushing forty and she’ s not even married!’

‘ I’ m thirty-four!’ I sputtered.

‘ And you know what?’ he continued. ‘ That’ s because we Parkers know what life’ s about. It’ s about being with your friends, drinking and having a good meal, listening to Roy Orbison on the stereo. It’ s not about your silly doctorates and your 4.0 grade-point averages.’

He lifted his glass in a toast in the fading light, and we all did the same, with me wishing my father could learn a new form of bragging.

‘ Well, I’ m glad there are only six things left to do,’ I said, bringing the discussion back to the list. ‘ Then I can go back to being the same lovable loser I used to be.’

Mrs. Mankowski preened at me. ‘ So is there anything on the list about finding a husband?’

‘ Tick tock!’ Mr. Mankowski felt compelled to add.

And to think I used to go over every summer and help those people make jelly.

‘ June will get married when she meets the right guy,’ my brother (or so he appeared to be) said.

‘ Thirty-four is nothing,’ Charlotte agreed. ‘ And these things can happen so quickly. I’ ll bet one day she’ ll call out of the blue and surprise us. Tell us she’ s in love and getting married.’

Just as I was wondering if I could sneak into the house and add an addendum to the gratitude letter I planned to give my brother before he left, Susan waved her mai tai around drunkenly and said, ‘ Acshtually, June doesh have a big shurprishe!’

A chorus of ‘ What!?’ ‘ Tell us!’ ‘ Surprise!?’ rang up from the group.

I was going to kill her. ‘ I don’ t know what she’ s talking about,’ I said, trying to make a face that said, Who you going to believe: me or the drunk?

‘ I’ ll bet you met a fellow!’ Mrs. Mankowski cried. There was my answer.

‘ Ish a biiiiiiig shurprise.’

‘ You’ ll have to excuse my wife,’ Chase said. ‘ She tends to hallucinate when she drinks.’

Mrs. Mankowski improved her guess. ‘ She met a fellow and she’ s engaged!’

‘ The shuprishe ishn’ t a guy. Iish a giiiiiiirl.’

Chase shushed Susan. My father paled. ‘ Oh dear.’ There was much clearing of throats.

‘ Ish time you told everbody. The happy day is almosht here!’

‘ Is that legal now?’ Mr. Mankowski asked.

Susan was so going to pay for this. I was going to reserve a spot in hell for her where it’ s Las Vegas 24/7.

‘ I’ m not a lesbian, okay?’ I snapped. ‘ The surprise is not that I’ m gay.’

‘ Oh, thank goodness,’ my dad whimpered. ‘ How would I ever face my brother?’

My mom elbowed him. ‘ We would have loved you anyway, honey.’

‘ So, what is the surprise?’ Bob asked.

Out of fear that Susan would blurt it out anyway, I said, ‘ It’ s not final, so that’ s why I didn’ t want to say anything. But when Deedee has her baby in August-’

‘ Deedee’ s her Little Shishter,’ Susan provided helpfully.

‘ As I was saying, when she has the baby, I’ m going to adopt it.’

If silence has a sound, then it became very, very loud at that moment.

Susan broke the quiet. ‘ June’ sh gonna be a mommy!’

‘ By yourself?’ Mrs. Mankowski asked.

‘ Yeah. The girl’ s only fourteen, and she was going to raise the baby herself otherwise. And I’ ve always wanted children, so it seemed& ‘ I let my voice trail off. I don’ t know what reaction I was expecting, but this wasn’ t it.

My mom rubbed her forehead. ‘ I don’ t even know what to say.’

‘ Congrashulations! Thash what you shay!’

‘ We’ ve caused enough damage. We’ ll be going now,’ Chase said, hefting Susan up. He nodded to my parents. ‘ Thanks for the party.’

‘ Yesh. Shank you very mush.’

Charlotte jumped to her feet. ‘ Congratulations,’ she managed to whisper through the tears that were starting. ‘ That’ s wonderful news.’ She turned and ran into the house. Bob followed her.

It got quiet again, and then my dad said, ‘ You’ re not adopting this baby with another woman, are you?’

I didn’ t dignify his question with an answer and instead went to check on Bob and Charlotte. When I got inside the house, Bob was wheeling a bag from his old bedroom.

‘ You’ re leaving?’ I asked.

‘ Yeah. Charlotte’ s in the car.’

‘ Bob, I’ m sorry. I didn’ t want to say anything today.’

‘ Don’ t worry about it. We’ re going to hit the road. I was about to come say good-bye.’

‘ Mom told me everything you’ ve been going through, and-’

‘ I’ ve got to run& don’ t want to leave Charlotte sitting there.’

‘ Can I go talk to her?’

He shook his head. ‘ It’ s nothing personal, June. It’ s going to take her a while to wrap her head around your news. We’ ve been wanting a baby for so long.’

‘ But Mom told me you didn’ t want to adopt.’

‘ It still hurts. That’ s all I can say.’ He reached an arm around me to give me a quick hug. ‘ Congratulations.’

‘ Thanks,’ I said softly. Then I handed him the letter in an envelope. ‘ It’ s no rush reading it. Just stuff I wanted you to know.’

From there, the Mankowskis couldn’ t scoot out fast enough. My parents and I cleaned up the party without a word about the baby. We were tipsy and tired, and the Parkers never talk about anything if it can possibly be avoided, and thank goodness, at that point it could.

IT WASN’ T UNTIL the next morning, over a breakfast of leftover tiny sandwiches, that I had a chance to discuss the baby with my mom. I let her tell me every parental horror story to try to dissuade me from making a rash decision. I nodded patiently and smiled as she outlined the sleepless nights and hurt knees and sassing back I could expect.

‘ Don’ t get me wrong,’ she said, sipping her coffee, elbows on the table, ‘ I’ m delighted I’ m going to be a grandma. And you might have to get a bigger apartment to handle the stuff I plan to buy that kid. I just wonder if you’ ve thought this through.’

‘ Sometimes it’ s all I think about.’

She set down her cup. ‘ I’ m going to play ‘ what if.’ What if the perfect man comes around tomorrow and says, ‘ I want to marry you, but you have a child’ ?’