Foster, Dean - Spellsinger 03 - The Day of the Dissonance

"I'm dying," Clothahump wheezed. The wizard glanced

to his left. 'Tm dying and you stand there gawking like a

virginal adolescent who's just discovered that his blind

date is a noted courtesan. With your kind of help I'll never

live to see my three-hundredth birthday."

"With your kind of attitude it's a wonder you've man-

aged to live this long." Jon-Tom was more than a little

irritated at his mentor. "Listen to yourself: two weeks of

nonstop griping and whining. You know what you are,

turtle of a wizardly mien? You're a damned hypochondriac.''

Clothahump's face did not permit him much of a frown,

but he studied the tall young human warily. "What is that?

It sounds vaguely like a swear word. Don't toy with me,

boy, or it will go hard on you. What is it? Some magic

word from your own world?"

"More like a medical word. It's a descriptive term, not

a threat. It refers to someone who thinks they're sick all

the time, when they're not."

"Oh, so I'm imagining that my head is fragmenting, is

that what you're saying?" Jon-Tom resisted the urge to

2 Alan Dean Foster

reply, sat his six-feet-plus frame down near the pile of

pillows that served the old turtle for a bed.

Not for the first time he wondered at the number of

spacious rooms the old oak tree encompassed. There were

more alcoves and chambers and tunnels in that single trunk

than in a termite's hive.

He had to admit, though, that despite his melodramatic

moans and wails, the wizard didn't look like himself. His

plastron had lost its normal healthy luster, and the old eyes

behind the granny glasses were rheumy with tears from the

pain. Perhaps he shouldn't have been so abrupt. If

Clothahump couldn't cure himself with his own masterly

potions and spells, then he was well and truly ill.

"I know what I am," Clothahump continued, "but

what of you? A fine spellsinger you've turned out to be."

"I'm still learning," Jon-Tom replied defensively. He

fingered the duar slung over his shoulder. The peculiar

instrument enabled him to sing spells, to make magic

through the use of song. One might think it a dream come

true for a young rock guitarist-cum-law student, save for

the fact that he didn't seem to have a great deal of control

' over the magic he made.

Since the onslaught of Clothahump's pains, Jon-Tom

had sung two dozen songs dealing with good health and

good feelings. None had produced the slightest effect with

the exception of his spirited rendition of the Beach Boys'

"Good Vibrations." That bit of spellsinging caused

Clothahump to giggle uncontrollably, sending powders and

potions flying and cracking his glasses.

Following that ignominious failure, Jon-Tom kept his

hands off the duar and made no further attempts to cure the

wizard.

"I didn't really mean to imply that you're faking it," he

added apologetically. "It's just that I'm as frustrated as

you are."

Clothahump nodded, his breath coming in short, labored

THE DAY OF THE DISSONANCE 3

gasps. His poor respiration was a reflection of the constant

pain he was suffering, as was his general weakness.

"I did the best I could," Jon-Tom murmured.

"I know you did, my boy. I know you did. As you say,

there is much yet for you to learn, many skills still to

master."

"I'm just bulling my way through. Half the time I pick

the wrong song and the other half it has the wrong result.

What else can I do?"

Clothahump looked up sharply. "There is one chance

for me, lad. There is a medicine which can cure what ails

me now. Not a spell, not a magic. A true medicine."

Jon-Tom rose from the edge of the pile of pillows. "I

think I'd better be going. I haven't practiced yet today and

I need to..."

Clothahump moaned in pain and Jon-Tom hesitated,

feeling guilty. Maybe it was a genuine moan and maybe it

wasn't, but it had the intended effect.

"You must obtain this medicine for me, my boy. I can't

trust the task to anyone else. Evil forces are afoot."

Jon-Tom sighed deeply, spoke resignedly. "Why is it

whenever you want something, whether it's help making it

to the bathroom or a snack or someone to go on a

dangerous journey for you, that evil forces are always

afoot?"

"You ever see an evil force, boy?"

"Not in the flesh, no."

"Evil forces always go afoot. They're lousy fliers."

"That's not what I meant."

"Doesn't matter what you meant, my boy. You have to

run this errand for me. That's all it is, a little errand."

"Last time you asked me to help you run an errand we

ended up with the fate of civilization at stake."

"Well, this time it's only my fate that hangs in the

balance." His voice shrank to a pitiful whisper. "You

wouldn't want me to die, would you?"

"No," Jon-Tom admitted. "I wouldn't."

4 Alan Dean Foster

"Of course you wouldn't. Because if I die it means the

end of your chances to return to your own world. Because

only I know the necessary, complicated, dangerous spell

that can send you back. It is in your own interest to see

that I remain alive and well."

"I know, I know. Don't rub it in."

"Furthermore," the wizard went on, pressing his advan-

tage, "you are partly to blame for my present discomfort."

"What!" Jon-Tom whirled on the bed. "I don't know

what the hell you've got, Clothahump, but I certainly

didn't give it to you."

"My illness is compounded of many factors, not the

least of which are my current awkward living conditions."

Jon-Tom frowned and leaned on his long ramwood staff.

"What are you talking about?"

"Ever since we returned from the great battle at the

Jo-Troom Gate my daily life has been one unending litany

of misery and frustration. All because you had to go and

turn my rude but dutiful famulus Pog into a phoenix.

Whereupon he promptly departed my service for the dubi-

ous pleasures his falcon ladylove could bestow on him."

"Is it my fault you've had a hard time replacing him?

That's hardly a surprise, considering the reputation you got

for mistreating Pog."

"I did not mistreat Pog," the wizard insisted. "I treated

him exactly as an apprentice should be treated. It's true

that I had to discipline him from time to time. That was

due to his own laziness and incompetence. All part of the

learning process." Clothahump straightened his new glasses.

"Pog spread the details of your teaching methods all

over the Betlwoods. But 1 thought the new famulus you

finally settled on was working out okay."

"Ha! It just goes to show what can happen when you

don't read the fine print on someone's resume. It's too late

now. I've made him my assistant and am bound to him, as

he is to me."

"What's wrong? I thought he was brilliant."

THE DAY OF THE DISSONANCE 5

"He can be. He can be studious, efficient, and eager to

learn."

"Sounds good to me."

"Unfortunately, he has one little problem."

"What kind of problem?"

Clothahump's reply was interrupted by a loud, slurred

curse from the room off to the left. The wizard gestured

with his head toward the doorway, looked regretful.

"Go see for yourself, my boy, and understand then what

a constant upset my life has become."

Jon-Tom considered, then shrugged and headed under

the arched passageway toward the next chamber, bending

low to clear the sill. He was so much taller than most of