Mardy Grothe - Neverisms

Never rub another man’s rhubarb.JACK NICHOLSON, in Tim Burton’s 1989 film Batman

(screenplay by Sam Hamm & Warren Skaaren)

Nicholson, in the role of The Joker, says this to Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) just after shooting him for making a pass at his girlfriend, Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger). It was the first time American filmgoers had heard the expression, but The Joker’s meaning was apparent: “Never mess with another man’s woman.” In English sexual slang since the late 1800s, rhubarb has been used as a term for a man’s penis or a woman’s vagina.

Never confuse the audience with the critics.ROBERT PRESTON, as playwright Alex Dennison,

in Rehearsal for Murder (1982)

(screenplay by Richard Levinson & William Link)

Never revisit the past, that’s dangerous.ROBERT REDFORD

This was Redford’s response in 2005 when asked by Harry Smith of CBS’s The Morning Show if a future movie with Paul Newman would be a good way to revisit the past. He added: “You know, move on.”

Never assume you’ll be turned down.JOAN RIVERS, on how to approach auditions

My dad gave me a few words of advice that I’ve always tried to live by.

He said, “Son, never throw a punch at a redwood tree.”TOM SELLECK, as Thomas Magnum,

recalling advice from his father,

in a 1982 Magnum, P.I. episode

I learned from the folks at www.magnum-mania.com that Selleck offered this line as a narration to the audience in the last episode of the 1982 season (“Three Minus Two,” written by Robert Van Scoyk). In the scene, Magnum is confronted by a big security guard named “Ox.” Just after Magnum recalls his father’s words, he is punched squarely in the face by “Ox.” In the brawl that ensues, though, Magnum ultimately prevails.

Ha, ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders.

The most famous is:

“Never get involved in a land war in Asia.”

But only slightly less well-known is this:

“Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”WALLACE SHAWN, to Cary Elwes,

in Rob Reiner’s 1987 film The Princess Bride

(screenplay by William Goldman)

This line occurs in a memorable “battle of wits” scene between the dastardly Vizzini (Shawn) and the heroic Wesley (Elwes). The “land war in Asia” line is a reference to a famous observation from General Douglas MacArthur, which we discussed in the politics & government chapter. The Princess Bride , based on Goldman’s 1973 novel of the same title, is now often described as a modern classic.

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.WILL SMITH, in the 2005 film Hitch (screenplay by Kevin Bisch)

In the film, Smith plays Alex “Hitch” Hitchens, a professional “date doctor” who is attracted to Sara Melas, a workaholic gossip columnist (played by Eva Mendes). When Sara arrives at Hitch’s apartment for the first time, they pour two glasses of wine and she asks, “What should we toast to?” After offering the foregoing toast, he attempts to charm her by adding:

But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.

If you must steal, steal away from bad company.

If you must cheat, cheat death.

And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Remember this practical piece of advice:

Never come into the theatre with mud on your feet.CONSTANTIN STANISLAVSKY

Stanislavsky, speaking metaphorically here, was Russia’s greatest actor in the nineteenth century, and ultimately the country’s most influential theatrical director. After cofounding the Moscow Art Theatre in 1898, he developed the “Stanislavky System” for training actors, an approach that ultimately evolved into “The Method,” popularized by Lee Strasberg and others at The Actors Studio in New York City. He finished his admonition this way: Leave your dust and dirt outside. Check your little worries, squabbles, petty difficulties with your outside clothing—all the things that ruin your life and draw your attention away from your art—at the door.

Never say your salary is so-and-so;

let them make you an offer first and then tell them,

if necessary, what you had in your last engagement.ELLEN TERRY, advice to her nephew John Gielgud

In his 1974 autobiography Early Stages , Gielgud said this was the first of two pieces of invaluable advice he had received from his famous aunt. The second was: “You must never say it is a bad audience. It is your business to make it a good one.”

Never send a monkey to do a man’s job.MARK WAHLBERG, in Planet of the Apes,

a 2001 remake of the 1968 film (screenplay by

William Broyles, Lawrence Konner & Mark Rosenthal)

Wahlberg plays Captain Leo Davidson, an American astronaut who lands on a planet ruled by apes that talk and exhibit other human qualities. After Captain Davidson bests one of his ape adversaries, he exults with this spin-off of the proverbial saying Never send a boy to do a man’s job (discussed in the classic neverisms chapter).

Angelina Jolie, in her first major film role in Hackers (1995), offered another variation on the same proverb. In the role of computer hacker Kate “Acid Burn” Libby, she says:

Never send a boy to do a woman’s job.

Other films, and one television Christmas Special, have also tweaked the famous saying:

Never send a man to do a cat’s job. GARFIELD, in A Garfield Christmas Special (1987)

Never send an adult to do a kid’s job. ALEXA VEGA, as Carmen Cortez, in Spy Kids (2001)

Never send a human to do a machine’s job. HUGO WEAVING, as Agent Smith, in The Matrix (1999)

I’ve always had two principles throughout all my life in motion-pictures:

never do before the camera what you would not do at home

and never do at home what you would not do before the camera.EVELYN WAUGH

These words come from a fictional character—the aging English actor Sir Ambrose Abercrombie—in Waugh’s 1948 satirical novel The Loved One: An Anglo-American Tragedy (Waugh described it as “a little nightmare produced by the unaccustomed high living of a brief visit to Hollywood”).

Never insult anybody unintentionally.JOHN WAYNE, quoting his father

Wayne offered this in a 1971 Playboy interview. He added, “If I insult you, you can be goddam sure I intend to.” Wayne’s father may have been inspired by a popular line widely attributed to Oscar Wilde, but in fact authored by the American writer Oliver Herford: “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

Never burn bridges.

Today’s junior prick, tomorrow’s senior partner.SIGOURNEY WEAVER, to Melanie Griffith,

in Mike Nichols’s 1988 film Working Girl

(screenplay by Kevin Wade)

In the film, Katherine Parker (Weaver) is a high-class but hard-boiled, female executive who has recently hired the hardworking but unsophisticated Tess McGill (Griffith) as her secretary. In an early scene, McGill observes Parker’s cordial interaction with an obnoxious male colleague. As the man walks away, Parker says, “Ugh! What a slob!” McGill, impressed with how her boss handled the interaction, says, “You were so smooth with him.” The cynical Parker then replies with her never burn bridges comment.