Butler, Octavia - Survivor

“And then,” said Nathan, “because he’s had his returning ceremony, he survives. Right?”

Alanna ignored him, spoke to Jules. “It’s not only the message that the circle gives, but the light signals themselves—the steady rhythmic flickering. And the circle sways as though to music. I talked my way into one of the ceremonies so that I could watch. Then I sat there bored, watching, feeling superior.” She glanced at Nathan. “But after a while it started to get to me. I hadn’t learned to read the light signals yet—I did later—but after a while, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I might have collapsed right along with the prisoner if I hadn’t started to look away.”

“Hypnosis,” said Jules softly.

Alanna nodded once. “Exactly.” She went on quickly before Nathan could say whatever he had his mouth open to say. “Remember how Dr. Bartholomew used it? Women had babies under it. People had dental work done, even had surgery with no anesthetic but hypnosis.”

Jules looked at Nathan and Nathan was at once on the defensive. “Jules, hypnosis is no more a cure-all than having a strong will to live. It can’t…”

“You do know how to use hypnosis, don’t you, Nathan?” asked Jules bluntly.

“Listen to me,” said Nathan. “Yes, hypnosis can ease pain sometimes. But no matter whether a person feels uncomfortable or not while he’s dying, he’s still dying!”

“You heard how the Tehkohn use it,” said Alanna. “It’s not just a pain killer. They use it to instill confidence, to give the returnee a goal and positive assurance that he can achieve it.”

Jules was frowning. “Nathan, back on Earth, I read quite a bit of pre-Clayark era literature. I know that our ancestors had powerful addictive drugs, and that sometimes people became enslaved by them. What I don’t know is whether hypnosis was ever used to ease their withdrawal. Was it?”

Nathan rested his elbow on the table and his head on his hand. “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I haven’t read anything of its being used. And I’ve already tried everything I have read about.”

“I see.” Jules spoke more gently. “Do you know anything about hypnosis, Nathan?”

“Yes. The basics are so simple… it was one of the first things Bart taught me. Then he spent the rest of the short time that was left to him teaching me not to use it as though it was magic. I kept wanting to suppress symptoms without knowing anything about what was really wrong.”

“Do you think you could hypnotize our people here?”

“Well, nearly everyone is hypnotizable to some degree, but…”

“Do you think you could hypnotize me?”

Nathan stared at him. “God, Jules, will you slow down? Are you really thinking about risking your own life?”

“This isn’t something you can test on animals.”

“It’s not something I ought to test on the most important man in the settlement either.” He appealed to the silent Neila. “Talk to him! Talk him out of this for his own sake.”

Neila lookd at Jules. He met her eyes for a moment, then shook his head. “You know I have to do it,” he said softly. “And you know why.”

“Well I don’t,” said Nathan. “It makes no sense! Call for volunteers. You could get almost anyone else to do it just by asking.”

Jules shook his head. “It has to be me. I’m the one who’s going to order the people to walk away from everything they’ve accomplished on this world, walk away from the drug they’ve become addicted to, go to an unknown land on the advice of people who’ve been our enemies until now and who may still be enemies… As long as I’m their leader, that’s what I’m going to order them to do because I believe that’s their only salvation as a people. Am I still valuable, Nathan?”

Nathan stared at him helplessly.

“But I won’t even begin asking them to take those risks until I’ve taken the first risk myself.”

“But if you die…”

“Then I die. You and Jacob [his second-in-command] can decide what to do then. You can go on with the way I’ve chosen, or you can try another way.”

“You sound like a man trying to commit suicide,” said Nathan. “And you’re not going to get me to help you.”

Jules shook his head. “No, I’m not trying to kill myself. But I have to withdraw. I have to do that much before I ask the people to do so much that may be suicidal.”

“No!”

“Then you’ll sit back and watch me withdraw without whatever help you could give.”

Nathan sighed, frowned. “You don’t know what you’re doing. And I wish to heaven that was the worst of it.” He looked directly at Jules. “You’re wrong in this. You’re a brave man, but you’re wrong.”

“Will you give me what help you can with hypnosis?”

“You know damned well I will. What else can I do? Just give me a couple of days to clear up some other things—and to check through my books. There might be something in them on pre-Clayark era drug addiction that I missed.”

“Two days then,” said Jules.

“I’m already in withdrawal,” said Alanna quietly. She noticed that only Nathan appeared startled. Evidently Jules and Neila had guessed why she was not eating. And, of course, Jules had heard her promise to Diut the night before. “You can try hypnosis with me if you want to,” she told Nathan. “I’m not asking you to, but you can try.”

“But I’d want you to undergo some conditioning first,” he said. He seemed almost eager. Anything to avoid making the first experiment on Jules. “You should have a few sessions with me before you withdraw so that I can give you the necessary post-hypnotic…”

“If you can’t do it now, Nathan, you can’t do it at all. I’m going off.”

“For God’s sake, will somebody in this family please be reasonable!” He looked at Jules, at Neila, at Alanna again. “What’s your hurry? What are you trying to do?”

“Escape, Nathan. I don’t like being a prisoner. I’ve developed a real dislike for anything that holds me against my will.” And there was another reason. She had to be free when she saw Diut again. He had clearly demanded that much of her. He would want to move fairly quickly to free the Tehkohn captives and she was certain that he would want to see her before he freed them. But since she could not tell Nathan that, he would just have to think that she was being stubborn. “Do you want to try hypnotizing me?” she asked.

He swallowed the last of his tea and glared at her. Finally he shrugged. “I might as well. And we’d better try now before you’re too far gone.”

He tried—tried hard—and Alanna tried. Perhaps Alanna tried too hard. Perhaps she was simply afraid to let him have what appeared to be open access to her thoughts. She had too much to hide. He explained carefully that she would not be giving over control of herself, that she could not be influenced to do or say anything against her will. She tried to accept this, but some part of her did not believe him. She could not relax. She could not accept his suggestions.

“You will feel confident of your ability to live without the meklah,” he told her over and over after going through the motions of putting her under. “You will feel no need of the drug.”

And she thought, Yes I will.

“You will be relaxed and without pain.”

No I won’t.

And so on. The failure was hers rather than Nathan’s. But by the time the session was finished, she was too uncomfortable to care. She got up without a word and went to her room. Already she felt tired and hounded by the meklah products she could see and smell around her. She was not much more than normally hungry, but her memory and imagination made it seem worse. Nathan’s suggestions had caused her to remember just how bad her first withdrawal had been. She considered the irony bitterly. She was probably the only person in the colony whose combination of perversity and past experience made the technique she had suggested more a hindrance than a help.