Jackson, Deborah: Heaven's Children (Earth Totem)

Help me Hawk. You did this. You fix it.

Hawk?

I can feel the shifting again, and remember the rushing as clearly as the roaring of the wind. It’s still watching me from the edge. I can feel it breathing. Something is wrong. I can’t ignore it, not again.

Please wake me up.

Earlier today I had ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I ran out of the house. It’s strange how I remember the cold wind, and the way my tears stung. It didn’t stop me though, even with the sound of frantic wings flapping above. Nothing could stop me. I just needed to see Hawk.

But I did slow down, halfway across the road. I slowed, when lightning lit everything up in a bright blue light. I stopped when the large branch that had held the birds, split and splintered. It seemed to take forever to fall and even longer to stop bouncing. The moonlight made the flicker of stones and leaves sparkle, and it felt sort of magical for a moment. Maybe, that’s why I didn’t notice the white Ford or hear anyone warning me. I wonder if I bounced.

2

Mirrors

FOUR WEEKS EARLIER

My dreams are getting weirder. I’m being watched by this guy.He smiles at me before blurring into two people, onesortof looks like Josh and the other one is darker, more intense.I’m drawn to the darker one, and feel as ifI’ve known him my whole life.

‘I don’t get it, how did you go from plain Jane to this?’ Jo-Jo spat the last word out. I was sleeping at her house on a Friday night, and she knew that I liked to be up to catch the sunrise. I couldn't rest until the new light soaks through me. I don’t know why; it’s just the way I am. She never seemed to mind before. I watched her sniff the air after I closed the window.

‘And what the hell is that smell? Have you got a new perfume you haven’t told me about?’ Her voice had an edge to it. She knew I didn’t use perfume, make-up, contacts or brush my hair as often as she did. I didn’t know whether it was Jo-Jo that was changing or me.

My hair changed with the seasons, from dark to blonde by summer, always had – it was no biggie. Anyway, she was always the popular one. Every guy wanted to talk to her. Although recently, a few were suddenly asking me out. I didn’t like it – being noticed, being seen. It was the whispering I hated the most, and I tried to ignore it especially around Jo-Jo. It made her ratty, and turned me beetroot. She even accused me of flirting when the new guy, Josh, sat next to me. I didn’t even know how to flirt, but she didn’t believe me.

He kept waiting for me after school and I had to admit he was nice in a blonde Labrador kind of way. If he had a tail, it would wag. I tried to get rid of him, but Jo-Jo kept including him. Flirting was so easy for her but it embarrassed me. She kept falling on him laughing, but what she didn’t see was the way he sneaked looks in my direction. He was the first person I’d met that had the same green eyes as me. I didn’t like being watched, and when he winked, I wanted to hide. Maybe, he thought I wasn’t interested – I didn’t even know how I felt. I think I took too long to decide and wasn’t really surprised when I heard about the two of them. Jay, from our group confirmed it, in detail. I still don’t know why Jo-Jo was so angry with me. She was really jealous, even when I pretended to be happy for her. She saw the way he looked at me, and always clung onto him when I was around. We never really argued, but I knew when I wasn’t wanted. The last week had been so difficult although it didn’t feel so bad when I lay under the tree at break. That is, until they surrounded me. I had blinked, holding up my hand at the shadows that stood over me. I thought it was Jo-Jo and wondered why she was shattering my peace. I wasn’t disturbing them. I was giving her what she wanted - alone time with him.

'Hey, do you know you've got leaves growing out of your hair?'

I look up at five curious faces staring down at me and shrink further back into the grass. I recognised them.

‘Making new friends, Amber?’ The one named, Seth, grins from behind the group. His girlfriend, Nettles, pushes him playfully, and I blush.

‘Leave her alone, you’ll scare her off.’ Nettles whispered but loud enough for me to hear.

They surrounded me each day after that until I had the distinct feeling they were adopting me.

I wish now I had made an excuse or just walked away, but I didn’t; part of me was glad. Anyway, Jo-Jo didn’t seem worried. She didn’t even pretend to be sad or anything. Only Paul and Jay from my old group seemed curious. They tried to mingle, but Amber made it clear after a couple of lunches that she didn’t want anything to do with them. I think it was more to do with Jay, who in his typical bitchy fashion had asked if she was hiding any more Goths under her tent. She had turned on them then, baring her teeth against her dark lipstick, and they never returned after that. I remember feeling sorry for her, and although no one else saw it, caught her brushing a finger over her eye. She was always making fat jokes about herself, but I could tell it was to cover up the hurt.

‘I can't believe you were ever friends with those zombies. We saved you y’know.’

I had nodded in agreement but didn’t feel it. I didn’t need saving.

‘I agree, ignore them - they’re idiots,’ Andrea interrupted. Her voice was raspy and she made me nervous. It was the way she seemed to watch everyone, especially me. She was the leader of the group and even though she was only a senior, she seemed older.

‘What are you doing this weekend? Do you like meditation? Wanna hang out? Amber bulleted questions at me. I don’t know why, but I instinctively looked in the direction of Jo-Jo. Why did I still feel like I needed permission? It was ridiculous, I was ridiculous, and we weren’t friends anymore. I shook my head.

‘Um, I have plans tonight, babysitting for my folks. I have a little sister.’ I added, pushing a large lettuce leaf into my mouth, hoping they wouldn’t ask me again.

They all smiled at once, even Andrea. She scared me, the red streak in her hair made her seem threatening.

‘No probs, our meeting’s tomorrow night unless you’re babysitting then as well?’

I looked from Andrea to Amber and felt my stomach flip.

‘Sure, no probs,’ I forced a smile, looking at them again. They were the strangest group in the school and I just couldn’t imagine any of them meditating. The school bell rang and I found myself walking with them. The tightening in my chest only easing, once each one had filtered away to their different classes. Only Amber remained at my side.

‘See you tomorrow’ Claudine called, looking at me ominously.

‘Yeah, tomorrow,’ her twin, Caro echoed.

I felt sick, and damned myself on the way home for agreeing. I didn’t want to go, I only felt comfortable with Jo-Jo. Most of what I did went unnoticed. I took walks on my own, soaking up the energy of the air and light. I preferred to be barefoot, feeling the earth beneath my feet. Outside everything looked radiant to me, not artificial.

I didn’t tell them that I already meditated or where. I didn’t tell them anything. I loved meditating in the woods, my other home. It always started the same way, once I had settled myself under a tree. In my dream world, I was walking through the mist into a land of wide, expansive fields filled with every flower imaginable. The grass moved beneath my feet tickling me in welcome and the light was warm and inviting. In the distance, mountains with waterfalls poured down into large pools while strange flying birds called from nearby trees. The most exciting part for me was when I got deeper, and found myself in a place I hadn’t created.