Jackson, Deborah - Heaven's Children (Earth Totem)

‘Wha’?’

Hawk is standing at the end of my bed, and for some reason, I feel like giggling with relief that he’s here, even though it’s hard to keep up with the different looks. I sigh heavily; this guy is difficult to read. Maybe he only came here because of guilt. An image of everyone blaming him for my accident makes me flush with guilt. I think of the mind reading and look at him carefully. If he’s read my mind, he’s not showing it. He is dressed differently too, all in white. That’s when I realise I don’t even know where he works, or is he at college?

If this is his day job, did he work at the hospital? I wait for him to say something.

‘Speak will you.’

He rubs his hand on the back of his neck before grimacing. I remember the last time he did that, and feel worry edge its way back up.

‘This is my fault. If only I hadn’t ignored you like that. I had to be on my own, to connect. I just had such a weird feeling and needed to check. Damn! It seemed to take forever to reach you; I can only just hear you. You’ve got to understand this has never been done before. I’m so sorry Nevaeh.’ I listen to him ramble, wide eyed. He looks genuinely upset, even though I have no idea what he is talking about. I sit up.

‘Hawk, look…it’s okay, I’m okay…’

But he isn’t actually listening, instead, muttering something about not doing his job properly. It’s my turn to listen properly.

Job? I was just a job?

I hear him sigh as he places both hands on the end of the bed. I wish he’d come closer. Doesn’t he know how upset I’ve been, how alone? I’ve had an accident, not a disease.

‘You were never a job, Nevaeh; please tell me, you know that. You’re so much more to me. It’s just, I wish we spent more time talking instead of…’ he half smiles and I feel myself blush furiously.

‘I don’t.’

I have never been so attracted to him as I was right now and hold my arms out to him, but he seems cautious.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nevaeh, I have to tell you something.’ He looks nervous biting his lip. This is a new trait, and I hope it’s not to do with me being special again. Don’t you know I’m only special when I’m with you?

‘Please don’t, not again.’ I blurt.

‘Look, I don’t want to be funny, but I’m not really into any of that mystical stuff. I mean, I enjoy trancing with you, but that’s because it’s with you. I meditate all the time, Hawk, but the group, candles, chanting'. I shake my head ignoring the tense look he’s giving me. I hold my hands out to stop him, it’s my turn.

‘Hawk, I’m not special, I’m just me. Me, whose had an accident, and to be honest is not in the mood to hear about Nirvana again.

Hawk looks as if he has been physically hit. His eyes narrow.

‘What did you say?’

I realise this is going to be more difficult than I thought.

‘C’mon Hawk, you know what I mean. I don’t really believe in all that stuff, y’know? It’s okay for some people but…’

‘Not that, the other part, the Nirvana part.’

I look at him confused and wonder if he’s also bumped his head.

‘Nirvana…you said Nirvana! What do you know about that place?’

I shrug my shoulders. If I had, I can’t remember. Maybe I bumped my head harder than I thought. Hawk stands there staring at me like I’m insane. He also looks like he is trying to make a decision. I look guiltily at my parents half expecting one of them to ask who this guy is. But they seem oblivious to what is going on. I frown. In fact, I don’t even remember my parents asking me how I am.

Mum had asked me to wake up. I remember that now but since then – nothing. They changed positions a few times. Now Dad is reading a magazine and Mum is staring out of the window. That’s when I actually realise that no-one else is in the room. Jo-Jo had obviously gone off with Josh when I fell asleep. Hawk seems to be taking all of this in and raises one eyebrow at me. Now I’m irritated.

I might be feeling ok, but it would be nice if someone else talked to me. I’m tired, tired of it all, the crazy dreams, the crazy friends. I just want to go back to being me. Hawk hasn’t moved, just stands there staring at me in what looks like fascination. I feel my irritation grow; I don’t want to be an interesting object, a source of fascination, I don’t want to be here any longer.

‘Is this your thing? Standing there and being mysterious?’ I snipe, regretting it when his face drops. I half expect his dark eyes to flash; he doesn’t even look annoyed this time. In fact, he looks distracted. I pull my legs up in embarrassment, he’s freaking me out. The sudden movement makes me feel dizzy, and I put my hand on the bed.

‘Well? Are you going to say something, anything?’ I see the uncertainty cross his face as he hesitates or is he distracted? I can’t tell any more and blink my eyes trying to re-focus. It feels like I have sea-sickness and I pray I don’t throw up.

‘Nevaeh, you need to trust me. I want you to turn round.’ He’s pointing behind me, just like he did in the dream and I shiver. I don’t want to and watch in shock as he repeats the action again. I feel the urge to push at the air in front of me, half of me hoping that it ripples, that this is just another one of my dreams.

‘Please, listen to me, turn around carefully. Try not to panic, remember I’m with you'.

His voice has a tension to it and I fix him a half smile before looking at my parents for reassurance, but they’re still immersed in newspapers. Apart from my short time with Josh who I only briefly mentioned, they have never seen me with Hawk. He would just freak them out like he is doing to me. He is too intense.

‘Nevaeh, please…just do it.’

I look at him in confusion, he is serious and so are his eyes. I feel a nervous flutter in my throat as I twist round slowly, convincing myself, that if I did this, he’d leave me alone. It takes ages for me to notice what is different. Or that I’m sitting on top of someone. I feel my lungs explode in a scream.

I am sitting on top of…me.

12

Floating

THURSDAY

I half open my eyes, squinting against the sharp light. My brain feels numb, and I try to look towards my window as the early morning light filters through. I love this time of the morning, always have. I think of my Mum’s coffee and lick my lips, surprised by how cracked they feel.

An awareness slowly spreads through me, and the beeping sound becomes louder. So does the clicking of the intercom before a voice blares. I grit my teeth instinctively, it’s too loud. It blasts into my memories and everything rushes back at once.

‘Hawk?’ I sit up and try to focus, but my eyes feel like vaseline has been poured into them. My last memory, what was my last memory? Hawk was warning me, but I didn’t want to listen– why?

My brain obeys and sends an image to me that at first seems too difficult to comprehend. Fear sinks like lead into the bottom of my stomach as I remember - Hawk was warning me about me.

I look down before scuttling automatically to the bottom of the bed, away from the horror. My mind feels as if it is going to ignite. My eyes are closed. Stickers from the heart monitor plaster my chest, and my face and arms are bruised. Purple and blue welts push through my pale skin, and I feel tears well up. I look so ill. A thought grabs hold of me, and I try to touch my leg that lies dead straight under the duvet. My hand falls through to nothingness.

‘Nevaeh.’

‘I’m nothing… like air.