Holmes Patricia - Girlology - A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Authoritarian parents don’t always mean to prevent you from ever learning to grow up, but they often don’t give you the chance. So are they just control freaks? Maybe so, maybe not. It could be that you’ve messed up a lot and have given them a reason to think you can’t make good decisions. Maybe you’ve broken lots of simple rules, so they think you can’t handle bigger things. The best thing to do is promise them that you can make good decisions, that you want a chance to make good decisions. Then do it! Gain their trust—and trust is something that you have to earn.Prove you deserve independence and then ask for more.

Sometimes Authoritarian parents may take their punishment too far. Sometimes they may be just too harsh and may even be abusive. If your parents leave marks on your body, lock you away or degrade you all the time, you’ve got a bigger problem than just “strict” parents. If any of that happens to you, it is important for you to tell someone you trust who can help you get out of danger. Sometimes your parents may just need some help learning better ways to discipline you, and sometimes they are just plain dangerous for you and your siblings. Kids who are abused by their parents can get help from people like school counselors, youth leaders, doctors, nurses or teachers. If it’s happening to you, please talk to someone about it.

C is for “Cooperators”

If you answered mostly C, your parents are working hard to find a balance between your job of becoming independent and their job of giving you safe space to make your own decisions. We’ll call them Assertive-Democraticparents. Assertive simply means that they state their case; they let you know what they think and why they think it. Democratic means that they often give you choices. It may not always be exactly what you want to do, but they will provide a number of safe options for you to choose from.

These parents know who your friends are, what your interests are, where you are and when you’ll be home. They are involved in your life but also give you room to grow some independence.

Assertive-Democratic parents seem to provide the best opportunities for helping their kids make the transition into young adulthood. These parents don’t just pop into this category, though. They learn by being Permissive sometimes, Authoritarian sometimes and then discovering the balance of Assertive-Democratic. Since you didn’t come with an instruction manual, parenting involves a lot of trial and error!

Being a teen also involves a lot of trial and error. You have to discover which category your parents seem to hang out in. Maybe you have one parent who is Permissive about clothes and Authoritarian about schoolwork. Another is usually Assertive-Democratic about your social life but occasionally swings to Authoritarian when it comes to dating. Confusing? You betcha!

When you look at your parents, you’ll probably see a combination of Permissive, Authoritarian and Assertive-Democratic qualities.That can be good. Even parents who are 100 percent Assertive-Democratic have good reason to be what you may think is Authoritarian or Permissive at times. They may need to tell you what to do absolutely, period, no discussion if it is an issue you have already discussed, involves a choice you have already been allowed to make, and you are making a poor choice for the third time.

They may seem Permissive if you are not taking responsibility for a decision they think you can make on your own. They may push you to decide between going to a friend’s house and getting a jump-start on a huge research project if you have always counted on them to make that decision for you. In this case, their response, “Whatever you think is best,” forces you to use your brain’s decision-making center.

By now, we guess you are figuring out the truth about parents—they don’t come with an instruction manual either!

How to Get Your Waywith Your Parents

If you are going hog-wild with the independence thing by talking on the phone all night; eating nothing but pizza, mac ’n’ cheese and soda; and buying a brand-new outfit every weekend . . . Hey, hey, hey! Slow down there!

If getting your way means unlimited phone calls, junk food and trips to the mall, you won’t learn how to make that happen from us! We’ve already said that growing up does not mean that you get to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And getting your way with your parents isn’t the same as having a rules-free home.

But if getting your way means “gaining independence,” we can help you there! The real challenge is figuring out how to deal with these different parenting styles—Authoritarian, Permissive and Assertive-Democratic. You need a plan that allows you to gain independence and figure out who you are, but still lets your parents do their job of protecting you, loving you and raising you to adulthood.

The DrillSergeant

First, let’s take a look at Authoritarian parents.

Authoritarian parents make clear rules which are unbending. They expect obedience, and breaking a rule is strictly punished. Now we’re not saying that rules, boundaries and consequences are bad . In fact, they are really good for you. It’s just that teens need some room to make decisions for themselves. And that can’t happen if an Authoritarian drill sergeant of a parent directs every detail of your life with no explanation or choices.

For a healthy brain, a totally Authoritarian parenting style is not the best for teens. Remember use it or lose it? That decision-making center has to get some exercise, or you’ll never be able to make decisions as an adult!

Even if your parents are not Authoritarian now, you probably remember a time when they were. Authoritarian rules work best for younger children, children who cannot fully understand the danger of running in the street, playing with fire or eating only chicken nuggets for three months. When you were a little older, your parents still may have had good reason to be Authoritarian. Maybe you wanted to see a movie that had sexual situations . . . but didn’t even know what sex was yet! Your parents may have given you a reason for their rule, but you were too young to understand.

So at certain times in your life, unbending rules did have to be made for you, regardless of whether or not you understood the reasons.

That was then. This is now. You are older and able to understand choices and consequences.

Every time you make a decision, it’s like exercising your brain. The more decisions you make, the more fit your brain’s decision-making center will be. If your parents make all your decisions for you, that brain’s gonna turn into a big tub of goo! Ewww!

So how do you get Authoritarian parents to “let you have your way” and make some decisions?1. Show them that you do understand that choices have consequences.Use “I” statements, such as: “If you’ll let me stay out until 10:00, I promise to be home on time. And if I’m late, I’ll wash your car every Saturday for a month.” And then if you are late, suffer your own consequences cheerfully.2. Do the small things well.Make your bed without being reminded. Remember your lunch money. Finish your model of the solar system on time. Show them that you can do things on your own. Give them a reason to think that you will make good choices, and they may let you try bigger things.3. Tell them that you want to make some decisions.Ask them to find times for you to exercise your brain. Make suggestions like: “Will you let me decide when I’ll rake the lawn if I promise it will be done by Saturday at 6 P.M.?” or “Can I go shopping for that new skirt with my friends if I promise I won’t buy one shorter than three inches above my knee?” or “May Amber and I walk around the neighborhood if we take the cell phone and promise to be back in thirty minutes?”