Andrew Vachss - Sacrifice

I felt like that now. Put a cardiogram on my life, you'd get a readout: sharp spikes, deep valleys.

I drew a red dot on a piece of mirror. Drew it with some lipstick Belle had left behind. I'd been meaning to throw it out for a long time now, that lipstick. I went into a halfass lotus position, looking into the dot. Until it got bigger and bigger, deeper. I went down inside, clearing my mind.

There's always a pattern. Any crazy thing makes sense to somebody at the other end. I didn't know anything about smuggling until I went to prison. You can get whatever you want inside the walls if you can pay the freight. Guards smuggled in guns, but they never crossed the color line: you wanted a pistol, you asked a guard of your own race. Drugs they'd sell to anyone.

In prison, there's lead pipes just lying around. If you hold them just right, you can still feel them vibrate with the skulls they've crushed.

I pictured a lovely glass ball. As pure as a teardrop, on a polished black marble surface. Pictured it rising from the table, floating gently in the air, hovering. I was holding it up with my will.

I blinked my eyes and came out of it just before the glass ball splattered on the marble.

79

Meetings. Always bullshit meetings. Talk talk talk. And rules. Made by the rulers. In prison, what you want is to get through it. You can't stay by yourself— they won't let you. So you mob up. Get a crew. Someone to watch your back. On the Coast, they call it getting in the car. Going along for the ride. Or the drive-by. If a crew splits up, the other side picks them off one by one, so you stay together. You change sides, nobody trusts you. The first choice is the only one you get.

I wished I could explain it to Wolfe and Lily.

80

I stayed out of the loop for a while. Prairie dog careful— just barely peeking out of my hole in the ground, ready to spook if I saw a strange shadow. Wolfe's time limit pushed me back up to ground level.

Max opened the back door to SAFE, held it while I slipped inside. I don't know how he does that— he can't hear my knock. He pointed toward the back office, made a "be careful" gesture, and went back to the gym.

Lily was standing with her back to me, hands on hips, arguing about something with a calmly seated Storm. I tapped lightly on the doorjamb. Lily whirled, not missing a beat.

"What is it, Burke? We're busy here."

"I needed to talk with you," I said mildly.

"Your telephone's broken?"

"I didn't know who'd be listening."

"Who'd be…" Lily sneered.

"Wolfe," Storm cut in.

"She wouldn't…"

"Sure she would," Storm told her. "What's wrong with you, girl? You know how she is."

"I thought I knew."

"That's what she's saying to herself right about now," I replied, even-toned, "saying it about you. You're doing what you're doing to protect a kid…so's she. Just different kids."

"She doesn't know Luke," Lily said. "All she knows is crimes— that's all she cares about."

"Stop it, Lily," Storm said, lighting her one cigarette of the day. "The doctor says stress is bad for my baby."

Lily fought a giggle. "Sure."

I lit a smoke of my own. "I got an idea," I told her.

Storm silenced Lily with a look. I went on like I hadn't seen it.

"Wolfe doesn't know Luke, that's what you said, right? That's the idea. How about if they meet?"

"Sure. What's a kidnapping on top of everything else?"

"Not a kidnapping, Lily. I'll make a deal with her."

Storm tapped her fingers on the desk, thinking. Lily brushed some of her thick glossy hair away from her face, waiting.

"She won't break her word," I said.

"It's true," Storm added.

"She's clever, though." Lily came back, stubborn-sulky.

"And you're glad enough for that, most of the time," I told her. "What's happening, you're all convinced you're right. You know what Wolfe wants…what she really wants?"

"She wants the killing to stop," Storm said.

"And she wants someone to pay," Lily put in. "That's Wolfe— someone always has to pay."

I sat on a corner of the desk, where I could see both of them. "Once I was involved in this case. Guy killed his mother. Pointed a magnum at her face, blew out the back of her head. The defense attorney put him on a polygraph. Asked him: Did you kill your mother? Answer: No. And the machine said: No Deception Indicated— Truthful. That's when the lawyer called me in. Figured, bad as it looked, it must be that someone else had done it, understand?"

They both nodded. Storm interested, Lily suspicious.

"So I talked to the man, where they had him locked up. I'd seen guys like him before, when I was inside. Anyway, I went back to the lawyer, asked him to try the polygraph again, only this time ask my questions. So they asked him again: Did you kill your mother? No. Then: Did the gun kill your mother? Yes. Were you holding the gun when it killed your mother? Yes."

"What's your point?" Lily wanted to know. "That you have to ask the right questions?"

"What if the guy was telling the truth?" I fired back.

"Huh?"

"What if he was telling the truth? What if it was the gun who killed his mother? Not him, the gun."

"I understand what you're getting at, Burke," Storm said, "but I don't see how it helps us. The gun couldn't do the killing by itself."

"Neither could Luke."

Lily walked right up in my face, her chin tilted at an aggressive angle. "What?" she demanded.

"You know Wolfe, how she is about playing with the law. Remember the time she proved that rapist wasn't having 'flashbacks'? No 'Vietnam Vet syndrome'? Remember when she shredded that 'episodic dyscontrol' defense…when that guy shot his wife and said he had some kind of brain seizure that made him do it?"

"You're a real fan of hers, huh?"

"Oh, chill out, Lily," Storm said. "Burke, all the stuff you talked about, it was Wolfe fighting some sophisticated defense. That's what she does, she attacks…not defends."

"No, that's not what she does. Not all of it. Victims get defended, right?"

"Or avenged." Lily.

"Yeah, or avenged. Sometimes both. But how about this: Luke comes in, okay? The defense is this Multiple Personality Disorder. Insanity, okay? And Wolfe'll know the kid's crazy— no way he's faking— he'll stand up to any test. But you can't end up like Luke unless somebody does something to you. Something real ugly. For a long time."

"You think she'd want to go after Luke's parents? For child abuse?"

"Not for child abuse, Storm. For homicide. Like Luke was the gun, but they pulled the trigger."

Nobody said anything.

I lit another smoke, letting it percolate.

Storm made a noise. "The baby kicked," she said.

I bowed. "She agrees with me."

Lily smiled her Madonna's smile. "You really think she'd go for it?"

"She's your sister," I reminded her. "You tell me."

81

I went by the restaurant the next morning, to check my messages before I called Wolfe. Immaculata was at the register. A fear-jolt hit me— I never saw anybody but Mama there before.

"Where's Mama?" I asked her. "You taking over for her?"

"Downstairs. With Luke."

Something in her voice. I came close, leaned over to her. Her face was set in hard straight lines, white streaks under the golden skin, jaw tight, eyes moist.

"What?"

"He…tried last night. Max had to hold him. Flower…she woke up. He was…like demons in him. When he finally stopped, he just slept. This morning…like it was nothing. I brought him here."

"Do you want…?"

"No! I'm just…"

"I know," I told her. Like trying to sleep in prison. With the cell doors unlocked.

82

I left her there. Called the DA's office. They told me Wolfe was on trial, in Long Island City, Part L-3. Bureau chiefs don't try cases. I put it together. Threw on my lawyer suit and headed out to Queens.