Abigail Browining - Murder Most Merry

As Mr. Kay replaced the painting Sorley noticed that the group of three pirates on the mantel had rearranged themselves. Or was the strong drink and the heat from the fire affecting his concentration?

“Well,” said Mr. Kay, “as cream rises, soon Crandal was Pirate King with a pirate fleet at his back. And there was no manjack on land or sea that didn’t tremble at the mention of Death-Warmed-Over. Or any city either. Except for one.

“One city on the Canadian side sat smugly behind the islands in its bay and resisted Crandal’s assaults. Its long Indian name with a broadside of o’s in it translated out as Gathering Place for Virtuous Moccasins. ‘ But Crandal called it ‘Goody Two-Shoes City’ because of its reek of self-righteousness. Oh, he hated the world as a pirate must and wished to do creation all the harm he could. But Goody Two-Shoes City he hated with a special passion. Early on he even tried a Sunday attack to catch the city by surprise. But the inhabitants came boiling out of the churches and up onto the battlements to pepper him with cannonballs with such a will that, if their elected officials hadn’t decided they were enjoying themselves too much on the Sabbath and ordered a ceasefire, they might have blown the Olson Nickelhouse out of the water.”

Here Mr. Kay broke off his narrative to poke the fire and then to stare into the flames. As he did, Sorley once again had the distinct impression he was being watched. He turned and was startled to find another grouping of little pirate statues he hadn’t noticed before on a shelf right at the level of his eye in the bookcase beside the fireplace. They held drawn dirks and cutlasses in their earnest little hands and had pistols stuck in their belts. And, oh, what ugly little specimens they were!

“Then, early one December,” Mr. Kay continued, “Crandal captured a cargo of novelty items from the toy mines of Bavaria. Of course, in those days toys were quite unknown. Parents gave their children sensible gifts like socks or celluloid collars or pencil boxes at Christmas. Suddenly Crandal broke into a happy hornpipe on the frosty deck, for it had come to him how he could harm Goody Two-Shoes City and make it curse his name forever. But he would need a disguise to get by the guards at the city gate who had strict orders to keep a sharp eye out for Death-Warmed-Over. So he changed his black outfit for a red one with a pillow for fatness, rouge for his gray cheeks, a white beard to make him look older, and a jolly laugh to cover his pirate gloom. Then, on Christmas Eve, he put the Olson Nickelhouse in close to shore and sneaked into Goody Two-Shoes City with a wagonload of toys crated up like hymnals. That night he crept across the rooftops and down chimneys and by morning every boy and girl had a real toy under the Christmas tree.

“Well, of course, the parents knew right away who’d done the deed and what Crandal was up to. Next Christmas, they knew, they’d have to go and buy a toy in case Crandal didn’t show up again or risk a disappointed child. But suppose he came next year, too? Well, that would mean that the following year the parents would have to buy two toys. Then three. And on and on until children no longer knew the meaning of the word ‘enough. ‘

“Curse Crandal and the visit from the Olson Nickelhouse ,” the parents muttered through clenched teeth. But their eavesdropping children misheard and thought they said ‘Kris Kringle’ and something about a visit from ‘Old Saint Nicholas.‘ As if a saint would give a boy a toy drum or saxophone to drive his father mad with, as if a saint would give a girl a Little Dolly Clotheshorse doll and set her dreaming over fashion magazines when she should be helping her mother in the kitchen.” Mr. Kay laughed until the tears came to his eyes. “Well, the Pirate King knew he’d hit upon a better game than making fat landlubbers walk an icy gangplank over cold gray water. And since the Crandals had salted away a fortune in gold coins they settled down here and started a reindeer farm so Crandal could Kringle full-time with the missus as Mrs. Kringle and the crew as his little helpers.” Mr. Kay looked up. “Isn’t that right, Mother?”

Mrs. Kay had appeared in the doorway with a red costume and a white beard over her arm and a pair of boots in her hand. “That’s right, Father. But it’s time to get ready. I’ve loaded the sleigh and harnessed the reindeer.”

Mr. Kay got to his feet. “And here’s the wonderfully strange and miraculous thing. Mr. Sorley. As the years passed we didn’t age. Not one bit. What did you call it, Mother?”

“The Tinker Bell Effect,” said Mrs. Kay, putting down the boots and holding up the heavily padded red jumpsuit trimmed with white for Mr. Kay to step into.

“If children believe in you,” explained Mr. Kay, as he did up the Velcro fasteners, “why then you’re eternal and evergreen. Plus you can fly through the air and so can your damn livestock!”

Mrs. Kay laughed a fine contralto laugh. “And somewhere along the line children must have started believing in Santa’s little helpers, too,” she said. “Because our pirate crew didn’t age either. They just got shorter.”

Mr. Kay nodded. “Which fitted in real well with their end of the operation.”

“The toy workshop?” asked Sorley.

Mr. Kay smiled and shook his head. “No, that’s only a myth. We buy our toys, you see. Not that Mother and I were going to spend our own hard-earned money for the damn stuff. No, the crew’s little fingers make the counterfeit plates to print what cash we need to buy the toys. Electronic ones, mostly. Wonderful for stunting the brain, cramping the soul, and making ugly noises that just won’t quit.”

“Hold it.” Sorley wagged a disbelieving finger. “You’re telling me you started out as Death-Warmed-Over the Pirate and now you’re Santa Claus?”

“Mr. Sorley, I’m as surprised as you how things worked out. Talk about revisionism, eh? Yesterday’s yo-ho-ho is today’s ho-ho-ho.” Mr. Kay stood back and let his wife attach his white beard with its built-in red plastic cheeks.

“But where does the Christmas Triangle business fit in?” demanded Sorley. “We’ve got twenty-seven people who disappeared around here last year alone.”

“Copycats,” insisted Mr. Kay. “As I said. Mother and I only take one a year, what we call our Gift from the Night. But of course, when the media got onto it the copycats weren’t far behind. Little Mary Housewife can’t think of a present for Tommy Tiresome who has everything, so she gives him a slug from a thirty-eight between the eyes and buries him in the basement, telling the neighbors he went to visit his mother in Sarnia. Little Billy Bank Manager with a shortage in the books and a yen for high living in warmer climes vanishes into the Christmas Triangle with a suitcase of money from the vault and reemerges under another name in Rio. And so on and so on. Copycats.”

“Father’s right. We only take one,” said Mrs. Kay. “That’s what our agreement calls for.”

Mr. Kay nodded. “Last year it was an arrogant young bastard from the SPCA investigating reports on mistreated reindeer. Tell me my business, would he?” Mr. Kay’s chest swelled and his eyes flashed. “Well, Mother and I harnessed him to the sleigh right between Dancer and Prancer. And his sluggard backside got more than its share of the lash that Christmas Eve, let me tell you. He was blubbering like a baby by the time I turned him over to my scurvy crew.”

“I don’t understand,” said Sorley. But he was beginning to. He stood up slowly, utterly clearheaded and sober. “You mean your cannibal crew ate him?” he demanded in a horrified voice.

“Consider the fool from the SPCA part of our employee benefits package,” shrugged Mr. Kay. “Oh, all right,” he conceded when he saw Sorley’s outrage. “so my little shipmates are evil. Evil. They’ve got wolfish little teeth and pointed carnivore ears. And don’t think those missing legs and arms were honestly come by in pirate combat. Not a bit of it. There’s this game they play. Like strip poker but without the clothes. They’re terrible, there’s no denying it. But you know, few of us get to pick the people we work with. Besides, I don’t give a damn about naughty or nice.”