Diane Davidson - Killer Pancake

“In the kitchen!” was Arch’s fearful response.

“Don’t mind me,” I said as I started to close the front door, then thought better of it and left it ajar.

John Richard bent over Arch’s plate which held only a half-pancake in a puddle of syrup. Then he slowly moved his eyes to stare into the half-full cup of hot chocolate. Arch, who had stopped eating, gave me a confused glance.

John Richard rasped, “Why do you eat that shit your mother gives you? You want to grow up fat and sick and have a heart attack like Marla?”

I said, “Get. Out.” Why was he doing this? Did he secretly feel guilty himself about Marla having the heart attack? Unlikely.

“Gee, Dad,” Arch interjected, “it’s okay—”

A loud knocking made the front-door frame reverberate; a female “Hoo-hoo?” echoed down the hall. John Richard stood with his hands on his hips, unmoving, staring at my collection of cookbooks as if fascinated by their arrangement on the shelf. Arch ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs. He knew he had to get his stuff, and quickly, to avoid a scene.

“Hoo-hoo, Goldy, it’s your partner in bleach!” came the voice again.

Frances Markasian peered into the foyer. She had reverted to her normal attire: black T-shirt, frayed blue jeans, duct-taped sneakers, voluminous black raincoat, and equally voluminous black purse. She looked like a skinny bat. “There you are!” she said. “Sorry to be here so early, but I was just trying to catch you before you went to the fair. Is that okay? Can we talk? Can I come in? I won’t smoke.”

I came out onto the front porch and gestured in the direction of the porch swing. “Let’s just stay out here. I thought I heard your Fiat, I just wasn’t used to hearing it so early in the morning.”

KILLER PANCAKES

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

2 egg whites

1 16-ounce can juice-packed fruit cocktail, drained and juice reserved

maple syrup or chopped fresh strawberries macerated with a little sugarPreheat the oven to 350°. Spray 2 non-stick cookie sheets with vegetable oil and set aside.Sift the dry ingredients together and set aside. Beat the egg whites until frothy. Beat in the juice. Gradually add the dry mixture, stirring until well blended. Fold in the fruit cocktail.Using an ½-cup (2-tablespoon) measure, scoop dollops of pancake batter onto the sprayed pans, leaving at least 2 inches between the pancakes. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes or until puffed and golden. Serve hot with maple syrup, fresh strawberries, peaches, or other fruit. Serves 4

Frances backed toward the swing, her head tilted as she appraised me. “Goldy, are you all right?”

I attempted a smile. “Let’s just say I had an unexpected visitor early this morning.”

“Who?”

“Frances, what exactly is it you want me to do for you?”

She drew out a Marlboro, held it up for my inspection, and I nodded. Much as I hated cigarettes, I knew Frances would get down to business more quickly if she had nicotine. She fished around in her purse for a lighter, brought one out along with a Jolt cola, lit the cig, popped the can top, inhaled, exhaled, and took a big swig from the can, all in a quick series of practiced motions.

“Okay,” she said presently, “I need more Mignon cosmetics and I don’t want them to get suspicious. So I was hoping you could get the stuff for me—”

“Oh, Frances, for heaven’s sake, I have so much to do today—”

“—and I’ve checked with my editor, and he wants you to cater a big shower, for his wife in two weeks, lots of guests, couples, a hundred people, name your price.” She smiled broadly and took another drag.

I guess I could spare five or ten minutes. “Look, Frances. I can’t spend a lot of time at that counter today. I have another appointment today, my friend is coming home from the hospital, and I have to cook for a big party tonight—”

“I know, I know, the Braithwaites’. But that’s not until tonight , and I was really hoping you could get this stuff for me today.” I sighed. When did she think caterers did their preparations? The cigarette dangled from the side of her mouth as she rooted around in her purse again and finally pulled out a list along with a plastic zip bag. She unzipped the bag and fanned out its contents: three hundred-dollar bills. Then she started reading the list: “Magic Pore-dosing Toner, thirteen ounce; Extra Rich Nighttime Replacement Moisturizer, ten ounce; Ultra Gentile Eye Cream Firmer, ten ounce…” She finished reading, inhaled, blew out a fat stream of smoke, then flicked her ashes over the side of the porch and handed me the money. She was probably the last person in the universe who would want to buy three hundred dollars’ worth of cosmetics. “Okay? Bring me the change—if there is any—and the receipt in the bag. I mean, not that I don’t trust you. But you know.”

“Sure, sure, Frances, whatever you want,” I replied, resigned. I’d long since found that it was easier just to give in to this most-persistent reporter.

Behind us, the screen door creaked open. A scowl darkened Frances’s face. She flicked her cigarette in the direction of the sidewalk and began to root around again in her purse.

“Goldy,” came John Richard’s angry voice, “would you mind leaving the kaffeeklatsch until later and getting your butt in here to look for … what the hell—”

His brow wrinkled and his dark eyes were fastened on Frances as if mesmerized. I followed his gaze back to Frances and saw she was pointing what looked like a hunting knife handle at John Richard’s solar plexus.

“Oh, Frances,” I snapped, “for heaven’s sake, put that away. What kind of thing is that anyway—”

But she paid me no heed. “Get off of this porch,” she said calmly to the Jerk. “This is a ballistic knife. The blade is projected from the handle by a spring-loaded device. John Richard Korman, I’ve just taken the safety off my ballistic knife. I am not in the mood for another baptism by bleach water—”

“Bitch!” the Jerk spat out in furious bewilderment. “I don’t know who you are or what your problem is—”

The muscles in Frances’s unmade-up face were steely. “Funny, I know who you are. And I know about Eileen Robinson, lying in Southwest Hospital with two broken ribs and a pair of bruised arms to match. And I know what happened to me yesterday in the company of Goldy, your not-amicably-divorced-from-you ex-wife. I was unprepared before, but that’s over.” She waved the knife handle. “I am not even slightly intimidated by you.” Sunlight glinted off the weapon. “Move.”

Arch whacked the screen door open. “Okay, Dad, I found my sparklers—” He careened into his immobile father. “What’s …” Then he noticed Frances and her weapon. His eyes and mouth opened wide. His eyebrows rose. “Uh. Excuse me? Mom? Should I call 911?”

My ears were ringing with frustration. What if Frances released the knife and it hit Arch? “No, no, don’t call. Just go with your dad. Frances, put that knife away. Please. Now.”

Frances did not flinch.

John Richard’s face was a study in fury. He stuck out his chin and curled his hands into fists. “I don’t know who you are, lady, but you’re confused. Not only that, but you are breaking the law.” She stared right back at him. “Do you have a permit to carry that? I doubt it. I doubt it very, very much.” He started in the direction of the porch steps. Down he went, with Frances’s ballistic knife following each step he took. As if to attract the attention of neighbors, the Jerk yelled, “You are menacing me, you bitch! Whoever the hell you are! Do you hear? I’m going to file a complaint.”