Nicola Upson - Angel with Two Faces

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘Because I promised her I wouldn’t as long as it didn’t happen again – not for a few years, anyway. I thought that would make her think twice before going behind our backs.’

Without a word, Morwenna got up and put her arms round him. Surprised, and hardly daring to believe what was happening, he returned the embrace. When she raised her face to him, he saw that she was crying. ‘You didn’t believe me until just now, did you?’ he asked gently. ‘Why, Morwenna?’

‘Because of how she was with you. When things changed between us, you shut me out – you and her.’

‘I missed you, and it felt like Loveday was the only family I had left – but not like that. Never like that.’

‘I’d see you coming back into the house with her after you’d been out somewhere together. She always looked so happy, and I remembered – how could I ever forget? – that was exactly how I used to feel when I’d been with you. Like nothing could touch me, like the whole world was mine for the taking because I had you, and nothing and no one else mattered. So when I found out she was pregnant…’

‘Loveday? Pregnant?’

‘Not any more – she lost the baby, thank God, but I thought it was yours.’

‘Is she all right? She didn’t seem ill.’

‘Yes, she’s fine. She’ll soon forget about it – her big brother’s back and all’s well with the world. I wish it were that simple for all of us.’ She sat on the straw again and pulled him down beside her. ‘What made you change your mind once you were in the water?’

‘Fear. Nothing more honourable than that. I let myself sink deep down into the lake and it was so cold, so dark. I’d never thought about the darkness before – it was the loneliest moment I’d ever known. If I’d weighed myself down or allowed the sea to take me instead, it would have been different – I’d have left myself no choice. But it’s very difficult to stay down there when all your instincts are to live. I don’t know how long I was under the water. It can only have been seconds but it felt much longer. I could tell you that I came back up to punish myself like you did, or I could say that it wouldn’t have been fair to die after persuading you to live – but the truth is I just couldn’t do it. I reached the surface close to the shore, by that tangle of low-hanging branches on the western side, and I was disgusted with myself for not even having the decency to die properly. That’s when it came to me – if everyone thought I was dead, I could start again as someone else. We could start again.’

‘So you used the other man’s body to fake your own death?’

‘Yes. I knew I didn’t have long because it had been light for some time, so I went back to where I’d left it and carried it to the thickest part of the wood. I was exhausted, and sick to the stomach at what I was doing, but I tried not to let myself think of him as a human being. I put my own belt and boots on him, and took his money – he had enough on him to get me out of the area for a bit and to see me through until I could find some casual work in a place where I wouldn’t be recognised. Then I carried him to the bank where the water’s at its deepest. I knew the body would be unrecognisable if I made sure it was in the lake long enough – I remember overhearing Jago Snipe talking to Dad once about a drowning he’d brought out of the pool – so I weighed it down as best I could and pushed it in.’ For the last few minutes, Harry had been afraid to look at Morwenna but he could not avoid it any longer. ‘Aren’t you horrified by what I’ve done?’ he asked, surprised to see how calm she looked.

It was a long time before she answered. ‘I know what you’re capable of, Harry. You killed our parents and it didn’t stop me loving you, but it put a distance between us. Now, I don’t know what I feel. Numb, I suppose, and frightened of the violence.’

‘But I’d never hurt you.’

‘I know you wouldn’t. But you would hurt – you have hurt – because of me, and that’s worse. This darkness in you – I have to carry it inside, too, and it frightens me that I’m prepared to do that, simply because it’s better than having nothing of you at all. What does that make me?’

‘Would you rather I’d stayed away?’

‘No, of course not. I told you – I’m too selfish for that. But it’s not straightforward like it is for Loveday.’ She leaned over and touched his cheek. ‘And like it seems to be for you. You really do think we can start again, don’t you?’

‘Yes, if we went away somewhere. It could be straightforward if nobody knew us, if we could forget about the past.’

‘And what about Loveday?’

‘She can come with us.’

‘Don’t be so bloody naive, Harry. We can’t drag her away from a place she loves and expect her to act out our lies for us – that isn’t even feasible, and it certainly isn’t fair.’ She must have seen the desolation in his face, because her next words were softer and he knew she was trying to be kind. ‘I can be your sister, but I can’t be your lover – here, or anywhere else.’

‘So it’s all been for nothing?’

‘Is that really nothing? You could still have a family, Harry – even here. We could find a way, make something up to explain it.’

‘Here? Now who’s being naive? Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? I’m a murderer, Morwenna – I can’t just turn up again from nowhere without people asking questions. I’ve killed someone and let you bury him thinking it was me.’

‘But there’s no proof.’

‘He was wearing my belt, for Christ’s sake. And there’s Nathaniel.’

‘My God, of course – you don’t know, do you? Nathaniel’s dead, Harry. Someone killed him the other night at the Minack. I’m sorry – I know you cared about him and I know this will sound heartless, but he can’t tell anybody anything. He’s no longer a threat to us.’

Sadly, he stroked her hair, then held her face in his hands for a long time. ‘But he is, Morwenna – more so than ever.’

‘For the last time, Archie, I’ve no idea what happened to the body. I keep telling you – I never saw it, and I never asked Harry where it was. That way, I couldn’t be lying if someone came asking. If he had any sense, he’ll have let the sea take it. It’s probably been washed ashore by now – I wouldn’t have heard about it. I’ve had too much on my hands with Morwenna and Loveday.’

‘It hasn’t come ashore, Morveth. When we started looking for Christopher, I asked the coastguard about recent drownings at sea along this stretch and he told me that the only bodies washed ashore in the last two months have been elderly men, women and one child – nobody who tallies with what you’ve just told me about Harry’s victim.’

‘Oh, I don’t know then. He could have hidden it anywhere on the estate – it’s a big enough place.’

‘True, but there are very few places on it that wouldn’t have been worked or at least looked over during the time that’s passed since that night.’

‘It’s possible, though.’

‘Yes, it’s possible, but even you don’t sound very convinced. I think there’s something you’re not telling me, Morveth, so I’ll ask you again. But first, let me tell you something: a clerk from up country was reported missing several weeks ago,’ he said, repeating what Fallowfield had told him. ‘He came down here on holiday and hasn’t been seen since. I’d put money on the fact that he was the man who got in Harry’s way that night, and that he has a family and friends who are worried sick and waiting for someone to knock on their door with the worst possible news. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you feel no sense of responsibility for what those people have been going through? Do I have to fetch Jago Snipe and get him to tell you how it feels not to know what’s happened to your son before you’ll be completely honest with me? All right, so they’re strangers to you but they’ve done nothing wrong and they have a right to any help you can give – a right, I might add, which Harry Pinching forfeited the moment he took another man’s life.’