Nicola Upson - Angel with Two Faces

The room was unnaturally quiet when Morveth finished speaking. ‘So what happened to the body?’ Archie asked.

*

‘Morveth told me it was the only way you’d ever find peace.’ Harry tried to gauge what Morwenna was thinking as he talked, but her face was impossible to read. ‘She’s always known how to play us, hasn’t she? She knew your happiness was the only reasoning I’d ever listen to.’

‘I think happiness is a bit ambitious now. Too much has happened.’

‘To spare you from even more pain, then.’ He sat down beside her on the straw, and took comfort from the fact that she didn’t move away. ‘If I stayed, I knew it wouldn’t stop at what I’d done to that man. The fire would come back to haunt us, and everything that led up to it – and once everyone knew about that, no one would have believed me about Loveday. People don’t differentiate between evils – bad is bad, and that’s all they see.’ He rubbed his eyes, determined not to give in to an overwhelming tiredness before he finished what he had to say. ‘And as I sat there in Morveth’s kitchen, with that man’s blood on me, I began to think they were right – I’d blighted your life from the moment we were born, and it was time to stop. That sounds like self-pity, I know, but it’s not meant to – I honestly wanted to do what was best for you.’

She looked sadly at him. ‘I believe you, but I meant what I said about feeling nothing, Harry. This is going to hurt you, but it would have been the same for me whatever you’d chosen to do.’ Saying nothing, he stood and walked over to the empty stall which had once been Shilling’s, and she watched as he touched the familiar things that belonged to a happier time – bridles, a saddle and the long leather leading rein she had given him on their eighteenth birthday. ‘He’s all right, you know – Shilling, I mean. William Motley took him – I just couldn’t bear to look at him after what happened. I know it wasn’t his fault, but he was too great a reminder of you. He’ll be well looked after where he is.’

‘I know. I’ve been to see him.’

‘You’ve been to the stables? What if someone had seen you?’

‘I was careful, but I had to go. You’re not the only one I’ve let down.’

Suddenly Morwenna smiled, a genuine expression of warmth which seemed to surprise her as much as it did him. ‘My God, you’ve got a nerve,’ she said. ‘How could I have forgotten that about you? It was always one of the things I loved most.’

He brushed the moment away, wary of investing too much hope in it. ‘Shilling wasn’t any more pleased to see me than you were, as it happens. I’ve a long way to go to rebuild his trust.’

‘What happened after you left Morveth?’ she asked, and he sensed that she was shying away from the future that his words had hinted at. ‘Did you go back to the body?’

‘No, not straight away. When it first happened, I panicked and hid it as best I could in the undergrowth on the edges of the wood by the pool. It wasn’t very well concealed, and I knew it was only a matter of time before it was discovered, but I couldn’t face going back to it again and seeing what I’d done. Anyway, I’d made up my mind to disappear, and it didn’t seem as important as getting out as soon as possible. The mist had cleared by then, so I got back here quite quickly to collect some things and say goodbye to you, but the cottage was empty.’

‘Loveday wasn’t in bed?’

‘No, there was no one here and I couldn’t think where you’d gone. I was frantic because I couldn’t leave without seeing you, but I knew time was against me, so I forgot about the clothes and everything else except finding you. I got back on Shilling and went to all our special places, one by one. Then I saw you from the woods on this side of the pool, sitting by the boathouse, and I knew instantly what you were going to do – what I’d driven you to. I had to stop you, even if it meant risking my get away.’

‘And yet you still didn’t talk to me about Loveday? You didn’t even mention her name, as if you were glossing over the whole thing. The easiest way to talk me out of killing myself would have been to convince me that I’d misunderstood. Why didn’t you try, Harry? Things could have been so different.’

‘Some things would always have been the same. I’ve never done anything but care for Loveday, but I did kill our parents and I did kill that man.’

‘We could have said it was an accident – he provoked you, for God’s sake. And Nathaniel would have kept quiet if you’d begged him to – he’d have done anything for you.’

He looked away from her. ‘No one would have believed it was an accident. I didn’t just hit him once, Morwenna – I smashed his face to pieces. And Nathaniel…’ He paused, thinking about his friend. ‘Nathaniel would always have done the right thing,’ he said eventually, a note of bitterness in his voice. ‘Morveth was right – there was no going back.’

‘But I gave in anyway. I couldn’t argue with you any longer, and the more you talked, the more you said you loved me, the more I hated myself for what we’d done and what it had led to. You thought you were bringing me back from that water by giving me hope, while all you were really doing was proving to me that I had to pay for everything that had gone wrong. And I couldn’t do that by taking the easy way out.’

‘So I persuaded you to punish yourself by living?’

‘Yes. We’ve always been selfish, you and I, and I’ve never really felt any great impetus to make amends for what I’ve taken – but I did then. I looked at your face, and it was cut and bruised and ugly – and that seemed to say everything about the way I’d loved you. Nathaniel would have said that I was paying for my sins, I suppose, but there was nothing noble about it, nothing good, and I don’t expect any great reward for it in another life. This one has been more than enough for me. I thought you’d tricked me, you know.’

‘Tricked you? How?’

‘By persuading me to live and then going into the pool yourself. It was one more thing that I could never forgive you for.’

‘I didn’t plan it that way – you have to believe that. After I left you, I had to get away. Turning my back on you for good was so hard, and I didn’t trust myself to stick with what I’d resolved to do, so I wanted to get out before I weakened and changed my mind. I rode Shilling as hard as I could along the Bar, partly to do just that and partly to feel the exhilaration of that ride one last time, but something got in my way. That idiot Christopher threw something at the horse and frightened him to death. He shied away and started making for the pool, and there was absolutely nothing I could do except hang on. We hit the water, and it was as though I’d suddenly come to my senses. Everything that had happened in the last few hours suddenly seemed more real. I suppose I’d been in shock until then, but everything came into focus and I knew that I was fooling myself. I couldn’t run away from what I’d done, and I couldn’t live without you. You’re right. Death is the easy way out, but I didn’t have your courage and I decided to take it. I knew Shilling was strong enough to make it to the other shore, especially without me to weigh him down, so I just let go.’

‘I don’t understand – why would Christopher do something like that?’

‘Because I’d given him such a hard time over Loveday, I suppose.’

‘But there was nothing going on between him and Loveday. Morveth checked with Jago to make sure.’

‘What would Jago know? What do fathers ever know? Of course there was something going on. I caught them together one evening at the boathouse, told him to keep his hands off the living and gave Loveday a telling-off she’d never forget.’