Irvine Welsh - Filth

It fuckin well wouldnae be ma joab anyway. Some uniformed spastics and a clerical can go through that one.

I’m thinking to myself that a couple of neds in this city have topped this coon who’s no business, as far as I can see, being here in the first place, so, fuck it. Who gives a toss? The answer is me. This reorganisation post comes up soon. I want that job, so I’m going to ferret out that murdering schemie bastard who topped our innocent coloured cousin. It’s called, in a word, professionalism, and I’m a total fucking pro, something that the spastics around here wouldn’t understand. Same rules apply in each and every case.

But Toal though, he’s slavering on at me. – This is a bloody strange one Robbo. Nothing’s turning up. We’ve been through all the revellers.

That wee Sylvia and Estelle, I’d go through them in a minute.

– Probably some young racist thugs out on the town, I tell him. Fitba guys or BNP members or something. Might need to get in about them. I’d like to lean a bit heavier on some of these young lassies that were there. They shield these guys, it’s their boyfriends and what have you.

– I’m not so sure Robbo. I’m a wee bit fed up of having some silly wee laddies used as a dustbin for every crime in this city. It’s lazy poliswork, that’s what it is.

Him accusing me of lazy poliswork. Him , that’s never been oot fae behind that fuckin desk in yonks. – Aye, awright. But I know they guys. Some of them arnae that wee now, and they’re moving intae other areas besides fighting at the fitba. When these guys start tae believe their ain propaganda, then you have tae watch out. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m not convinced that those spastics are blameless.

Toal raises his eyebrows. – Just keep me informed, he says.

Toal either kens fuck all aboot poliswork, or he’s holding something back, something about this coon case. Which is it? Fuckin both, that’s obvious. Whatever he says, these cunts are a good starting point. It’s time some of these fuckers went down; whether or not they did this one is immaterial, they are bad bastards and banging some of them up will make the streets safer. It’s time to lean on some cunt, I’m bored sitting here shuffling papers. It has tae be Ocky. The weakest of weak links in the chain. An E-riddled fanny merchant who hangs out with some of the top boys because they like the cunt’s devastating wit. Ha. He’s been feeding us stuff on them for years. Of course, we still let them go about their business. Their antics mean newspaper headlines, which means big-time OT and a cry out for extra polis resources. That’s the way it works. Let them knock fuck out of each other, but always be ready to pounce when they threaten commerce.

I go back past the central admin unit, but there’s still nae sign of thon blonde piece. At the downstairs bogs I weigh myself on the metric scales. My weight is still going down. I hope I’ve not got Aids or something, from some fucking hoor. I must eat more. I can’t put on weight, I never could. Fast metabolism, not like some of the blobs in this place. If it was up tae me, I’d weigh every cunt on the force annually and whoever didn’t make the required weight would be out on their fat arses. Weightist? You fuckin well bet your sweet ass!

I get a whiff from the canteen. I investigate and there’s fish pie which looks interesting. – Awright Ina? I ask the auld girl behind the counter.

– You’re early the day Bruce, she says.

– I was tempted by the fish pie.

– With chips?

– Magic Ina, and bung on some beans as well, I tell her, savouring that big, gorgeous congealed mass of sludge. The fish pie isnae too bad either.

I sit down and enjoy my meal. Ray Lennox comes over and joins me. – Awright Bruce? Seen the paper? He thrusts it in front of me. There’s another headline about local coons criticising the police. One of them’s that Forum cunt Marshall, speaking, of course, in another capacity. They get in far too many capacities, shit-bags like that.

– Shite. These silverys are about naught-point-one per cent of the population. They’ve got far too much to say for themself. They should call that paper the ‘Coon, Poof, Silly Wee Lassie, Schemie and Communist News’. I only read it for the fitba and Andrew Wilson. He’s the only one that talks any sense on that fuckin paper, even if he is a Hibby Leith bastard.

– It gets on my fuckin tits, Ray says, shaking his head. His eyes are staring, the cunt looks a bit manic.

– Listen Ray, I wanted to speak to you about something. I ken you’re no officially on this investigation, but I think we should pay our pal Ocky a wee visit the morn. It being Friday, it would be nice to fuck up the cunt’s weekend fine-style by getting him to keep his ears open on our behalf. You might get some info on the collies if we shake the fucker doon. Wi Christmas comin up they’ll aw want sorted oot wi gear.

– The spunk-bag’s been a bit remiss lately. Forgotten who his real mates are. His mates on this side of the divide, Ray smiles.

Say what you like aboot Ray Lennox, he’s polis through and through. – Time we reminded him, I smile. – So what’s been happening your end young Raymondo?

– The usual bollocks. I’m still stalking those cunts from that Sunrise Community. They’re supposed to be cannabis suppliers. It’s a fuckin waste of time, but what can you do?

Anything other than posh is a waste ay time for that cunt. But I can see his point. What’s the point of being on D.S. duty if ye cannae get access tae any decent collies?

– Listen Robbo, he whispers, – I’m on these benzedrines. They’ll do the biz in the meantime. They keep you going when you’re a bit fucked. Want a couple?

– Aye, I tell him.

He slides me a plastic packet of pills. – I got them on a bust. The charlie situ should improve tonight.

– Good, I smile, pocketing the pills.

– What about this fuckin EO’s briefing? Ray asks.

– Shouldnae take mair than an ooir, I say, shuddering as the big blonde hoor from central admin comes past. I give her the eye but she’s not biting. Probably lesbo tendencies. – Ride thon, eh Ray?

– No half.

– Any luck? Ah saw you sniffin roond it doon the cannie this mornin.

– Nah, she shags on recommendation only. Ah heard that she’s a size freak. She finds oot fae the other lassies likes ay Karen Fulton n that crowd, who the guys wi the really big packets are and she’ll only fuck them.

– That’s you oot the runnin then, eh? I laugh, thinking about the time we had a session with my sister-in-law Shirley.

– Cheeky cunt, Ray says, a slight beamer on his face. – Listen, we’d better nash to this briefing.

– Aye, right.

In the event, the EO briefing only takes half an hour. I even get on Niddrie’s good side when I hit a note with the cunt on politics, much to Amanda Drummond’s distaste.

– Equality is a lot of nonsense, I say, goading Drummond, who expects me to hang myself by saying something stupid like the black man isn’t the equal of the white man. Think again, dafty.

– How can you say that?

– Easily. It’s a philosophical point. I believe in justifiable inequality. Example: aw that lot we put away. Criminals. Child molesters. They’re no equal with me. No way, I say, as coldly and dispassionately as possible. That struck a chord with Niddrie. He’s an impassive bastard, but I ken he thinks like me.

Anyway, the gig finishes early enough for Ray and I to hit the cannie so we can have an afternoon break and practise our routine before we go and sort out Ocky. We are intercepted by Amanda Drummond in the corridor and she tells us that she’s going to talk to Sylvia and Estelle and would I come along. I’m annoyed that the cow has pulled them in without consulting me, but chuffed at the prospect of being able to put a face, erse and pair of tits on those two rides. – Sure . . . I turn to Ray and raise my eyebrows, – . . . give us half an hour will you Ray mate?