Irvine Welsh - Filth

– I just find it hard to switch off sometimes. The thing about being a polis is that you get used to seeing things in a certain way: looking for things that are going wrong. It’s the way you are; how some people behave, it makes you so suspicious. I just can’t stop running routine checks on them. That’s what wound her up, the questions I would ask her family. I didn’t even realise that I was probing. I couldn’t switch out of role. You can’t be any other way Robbo, that’s what you do.

– Take it or leave it, eh mate, I smile. I’ll be taking your missus again, that’s for sure you stupid cunt.

– Aye, he says, Tony Newley style, – so she left it. It’s over. For good this time.

– Force marriage though pal. May the force be with you, cause sure as fuck the fanny willnae stick aroond.

– You’re lucky though Robbo, he says, almost accusingly.

– Aw aye, me and Carole. Well, she’s a wee bit special. No doubt about that. Steak on the menu tonight!

– She can cook as well! Hurley says, – Is there no end to this woman’s talents?

The fuckin lecherous cunt’s wantin me tae tell him aboot Carole and I’s sex life. Nae wonder his wife’s gittin fucked by everybody in sight. Aw mooth n nae troosers that prick. – It’s a question of values, I say, draining the whisky glass.

Gus Bain comes in and we have a scoop. I’m trying tae watch myself but Gus likes a good jag when he’s clocked off. Hurley fucks off back to his miserable life. Hurley isn’t liked much on the force. I don’t know why; there’s just something about the cunt that makes you fuckin detest him and savour everything bad that happens to him, of which there is lots, I kid you not. You learn to sniff out a loser in this game. The worst kind of losers are the ones who think that they are winners and have to be reminded of the facts. Like a certain young gentleman by the name of Raymond Lennox, for instance.

– Young Ray Lennox didnae have much tae say for himself oan the course, I tell Gus.

– Aye, still waters, Gus smiles with a bit of affection.

– Listen Gus, I say, dropping my voice, – dinnae take this the wrong way, but watch what ye say in front ay Ray. I’m no saying nowt against the guy. In fact I lap him up. But watch what ye say aroond him.

– What dae ye mean Robbo? Gus looks alarmed.

– What I mean is that he’s typical ay they young cunts. He’d drop ye in it in a minute if it suited him. Ye ken the wey it is Gus, five minutes oan the force and they want tae be the Chief Fuckin Constable. Thinks eh kens it aw. The thing is, they young cunts are totally ruthless and they certainly arenae above a bit ay backstabbin and character assassination tae git oan.

– Surely no Ray . . . seems such a nice young felly . . . Gus says bewildered. I sense doubt through his antagonism. Time to hit hard.

– Listen Gus, whaire’s Ray Lennox the now? Ehs no in here drinkin wi us, is eh? Naw. I’ll wager three tae one, naw, make that four tae one on, that he’ll be drinkin wi they silly wee lassies in some fuckin wine bar up the toon, just like eh wis eftir that fuckin course . . .

– But that’s up tae thaim . . . thir young and they dinnae want tae be doon here wi the likes ay us . . .

– . . . Yes Gus, fair do’s and good luck tae the boy. I hope he rides them both, I hope they make a fuckin sandwich oot ay him, one slice white, one slice yellay n young Lennox in the fuckin middle.

– Yir an awfay man Bruce, Gus chuckles.

– But the thing is, who dae ye think’ll be the main topic ay conversation during this touching little tête-a-tête? You and I. The silly cunts who make the snowballs and also fling them.

– Hmmm, Gus says thoughtfully, – ah ken what yir gittin at. Ye think our Young Mister Lennox is running with the hounds and hunting with the hares?

– He’s hunting the fuckin hounds, as far as I can see, as long as he’s no fuckin well running off at the mooth as he tends tae dae.

– I’ll keep a beady on that wee cunt, Gus nods, touching his eyeball.

Thank fuck it’s Lodge night the night. We down our drinks and head out to Stockbridge. The roads are slippy as the surface has frozen over. We see a lumbering taxi trying to turn slowly down a sidestreet but sliding on the ice and scraping its bodywork against a lamp post. As it comes to rest the irate spastic of a driver springs out and inspects the damage. – Jesus fuck . . . he snaps, then truculently yanks open the door of his taxi.

I nod to Gus. The cunts inside are getting out. This one’ll do us up tae Shrubhill.

A lassie’s getting out of the taxi. Quite a young lassie. Or she’s trying to get out of the taxi. The torn-faced cunt of a taxi driver is not helping her, he’s just holding the door and impatiently asking her if she’s alright. The lassie has one of her legs in a plaster and she’s attempting to get up and at the same time position the crutches on that treacherous icy surface.

It’s just like . . . fuckin hell . . .

I move over swiftly and I’ve got a hold of her. – Can you manage? Here, let me . . .

– Thanks . . .

I’m helping her to her feet and Gus has got the crutches positioned and we get her on to the pavement. The scent of her perfume is filling my nostrils. I’m up against her and I can feel her soft warmth. I could just hold her like this, forever.

God, I remember . . . it was so long ago . . .

Then it happens; a stiffening inside my flannels and y’s and I have to adopt the old bent-double last-dance-at-the-disco posture to conceal it.

– Are you going far . . . the pavement’s very slippy.

– Naw, I’m just in that stair there, she points over to the stair door.

– I’ll give you a hand over, I smile, taking her arm.

– Thanks very much . . . that’s very kind of you, she says as we reach her door.

– No problem. Can you manage up the stairs? I want her to say no, come up with me, come up and have some coffee, leave auld muppet-faced Gus to his silly masonic shite, come up with me and hold me in your arms like you used to . . .

. . . but it’s not. Those were different times.

– I’m fine now, honest. Thanks again, she smiles.

– Alright then . . .

It isn’t her. It could never be. But I wished with all my heart that it was.

Ha!

Bullshit! I wished with all my heart I could get another pint!

– C’moan Gus, time for the lodge. I’m fed up wi helping spastics on duty withoot daein it in social hours n aw. I pile into the taxi.

– Ye awright Bruce? Ye seem upset, Gus says, looking straight at me, as he gets in.

– I will be awright once I get to where we’re meant tae be going. I shout at the driver, – The Edinburgh Masonic Club, at Shrubhill, driver. Next to the bus depot.

We cruise through the frozen streets in silence.

Coarse Briefings

Up the club, the lads are all raring to go as it’s a big induction night. The would-be new recruits look nervous, as they well might. There’s a couple of baby polis to be done, as well as some other young cunts; I don’t know where they come from.

I’m already feeling a wee bit pished as I’ve eaten nothing, so I decide to hold back a bit until all the boring stuff is over, then I’ll get myself charged up for our little specialist club’s activities.