Radclyffe - Love's Melody Lost

Graham remained silent as they made their way to the house. She knew only too well that with the passage of time, even hope would die.

********

Helen carried a tray into the music room as she did each evening, placing it on the table beside Graham. Tonight, Graham seemed lost in thought. She held a flower in her hand, tracing the petals absently with a fingertip. As Helen turned to leave, Graham called to her.

"Helen?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Sit a moment, wont you?"

Surprised by the unusual request, Helen sat anxiously waiting. Although she and Graham spoke often, their conversations were always casual. Graham never discussed her deepest thoughts, and never sought Helens advice. Even as a child she tended to make announcements about her intentions, such as the time she informed her father she wasnt going back to school. She never did. She had been eight.

"Would you like some champagne?" Graham asked as she filled her glass from the bottle by her side.

"Oh goodness, noyou know how silly I get when I drink that!"

Graham smiled. "You just talk a little moreyoure never silly."

Helen leaned to touch Grahams arm gently. "Is everything all right, dear? Is there something we need to talk about?"

"Anna," Graham replied after a moment. "Do you think shes happy here? It must be very lonely for a young woman so far away from the city, with no friends nearby."

Helen had known the woman before her since the day she was born. She had seen her through triumph and great tragedy. She had watched her lock her heart and mind and great talent away in the empty rooms of this house for a dozen years. This was the first time in all those years that Graham had mentioned another person, let alone noticed someone enough to question their happiness. Annas presence had penetrated Grahams self-imposed isolation, and that was close to a miracle. Helen chose her words with care.

"She seems to love it here, Graham. Why, I can hardly remember what it was like before she came."

Graham made an impatient gesture. "Nor I. But thats not the point. Yardley is our homewe chose this place, this life, you and I. Anna didnt. We mustnt take advantage of her kindness, or hercaring."

Helen thought she had an inkling of what really concerned Graham. Anna was an unusual woman. She appreciated Grahams notoriety, had understood her fame, and yet she was not overwhelmed by it. In Grahams entire life, there had been very few who had ever dared approach her with friendship. Her imposing personality and public stature prevented ordinary relationships. People were either afraid of her intensity, or her temper - or they wanted something from her. She had had many followers, and many would-be friends, but it was rare that anyone tried to know her. Grahams personal attachments had most often been the source of her greatest disappointments. After all these years alone, she would surely distrust any type of intimacy.

"Graham, Anna is a grown woman. And shes made a lot of hard decisions in her life. Leaving a marriage is hard, even when its not a good one, and I imagine striking out on her own without much security was hard, too. But, she is strong and independent, and she knows what shes about. Shes here because she wants to be, and if she becomes unhappy, I imagine shell do something about that herself. I dont think theres anything to worry about."

Graham relaxed perceptibly. "Helen?"

"Yes, dear?"

"What does she look like?"

Helen appreciated what a difficult question that was for Graham to ask. Graham knew the description of every piece of clothing in her closet, and insisted that each item be returned from the cleaners in a certain order. She never asked for assistance in dressing, never asked for help if she needed something to eat, never asked for any help at all. The only concession she made to her lack of sight was the necessity of keeping the furniture in one place. For her to make a direct reference to her inability to see was unheard of.

"Oh, lord, that is a hard one," Helen exclaimed, nonplused.

Graham rose impatiently, reaching a hand up to the mantle, her face turned toward the fire. "I know that she is almost my height, and strong. I could feel that in her hands when she took my arm in the garden. She laughs softly when something pleases her, and she loves the land. She knew how to bring the flowers to my minds eye" She halted in frustration, unable to complete the picture of the woman who was so often near, but whom she could not see.

"You already know the best parts of her, Grahamher goodness, and warmth, and her wonderful love of life."

Graham turned around, her fists tight. "Yes, but what does she look like? What color is her hair? Her eyes? What does she wear? Helen, I cant see her!"

Helen longed to go to her, to stroke the anger and frustration away. She knew very well that Graham would not allow it, would not allow any sign of sympathy.

"Her hair is blonde, rather like honey, and cut back away from her face. Her eyes are very blue, like the ocean on an August morning. When shes excited about something, her skin flushes a light rose and her eyes sparkle. In my day, wed call her wholesome. She has the kind of strong body women have these days--you can tell shes fit, but, she flows in the right places, too."

"How long is her hair? What colors does she wear?"

"Her hair just touches her collar, and its not so much curly as wavy. It blows around in the wind, like your does, all wild and free. When shes working outside she sometimes ties it back with a bandanna round her forehead. She likes to wear those loose trousers with the drawstrings at the waist, and tee shirts, -or those mens shirts that are made for girls. Lovely colorspurples, dark greens, deep golds."

Graham had become very still as Helen talked. The tension slowly left her body.

"Does that help?" Helen asked her.

Graham nodded, concentrating on the picture forming in her mind.

"Shes not at all like Christine, is she?" Graham asked softly.

"Oh my dear, not a bit."

**********

Anna waited impatiently in the kitchen. Helen had been gone for so long! She had been starving when she came in for dinner, but the longer Helen was absent, the more anxious she became. Graham had been so subdued on their way back to the house, Anna was certain something was wrong.

"Is Graham all right?" she asked the moment Helen rejoined her.

Helen looked at her in surprise. What had gotten into the two of them? They were both so jumpy! "Yes, dear, shes fineshe just wanted to talk to me about a few household thing. Now, why dont we eat before everything is completely cold."

Forcing herself to relax, Anna poured them each some coffee and joined Helen at the kitchen table. She tried to appear nonchalant.

"I was just a little concerned. She spends so much time alone, and shes so very sensitive"

"Thats her nature," Helen commented. "All she ever wanted was to play the piano. Her father had to force her to do anything else. He adored her, though. I thought he would go mad himself after the accident. For so long we didn't know if she would live, and then when she finally opened her eyes, he was sitting right there by her bed. She put her hand out to take his. She didnt say anything for the longest time; we didnt know that anything was wrong. It did break his heart when she said, so quietly, that she couldnt see him. Oh, it was a horrible time!"

Anna closed her eyes with the pain of the image, of Graham so brutally injured, of a family so hurt. Some part of her longed to change the past, to undue the horrible suffering.

As if sensing her thoughts, Helen said, "We all felt so helpless" She shook herself, rising briskly. "It doesnt change things, does it, to wish for the past to be different?"

"What was she like, before the accident," Anna asked quietly. As each day passed she wanted to know more. She was certain that the key to Grahams silence and her pain was hidden in her past. Anna couldnt stop thinking that if she could only understand what had caused Graham to withdraw from all she had been, she would find some way to reach her. Exactly why that mattered so much to her she couldnt put into words, but she knew she had never been so affected by anyone in her life. Maybe it was just knowing what an incredible genius Graham Yardley possessed, and that the loss of such a gift went beyond personal tragedy.