Andrea Dworkin - Ice And Fire

you girls a visit soon. You ready for us. We gonna have a goodtime. He leans against the door. He smiles. I start to close the door. He stops me, still leaning. Hey girl that ain’t gonna help.

Ain’t nothin gonna help. We coming right in. When we ready.

*

lt is having been asleep, hearing them, hearing the smashing,

hearing the plundering, hearing the raucous laughs: hearing:

while out cold: in a coma of sleep: having seen their knives:

knowing them: sleeping through it but hearing it all the same.

They will come: when they ready.

*

I beg N not to go out but she has a date with R. I don’t really

beg, it isn’t in our code, but I ask, unlikely enough. I ask once.

To my way of thinking, it is begging, don’t leave me here

alone. She wants to go, to get out, to get away, with safe little

R in her safe little apartment. She is afraid. Don’t go.

*

I bolt the door behind them, thinking where I can go. The

banging starts. Knocking first. Then banging. The front door.

Hey you got no manners you don’t open the door. Hey it go

worse for you if you don’t open the door. Hey you want we

break it down. Hey you want we come in from next door.

Hey you want we use the back door girl. Banging. Banging.

Silence. Hey girl. Just wanna talk girl you ain’t gonna do no

better than that. You got thirty seconds girl then we come

through the front window girl: it break like a bone girl: you

ever see a bone break girl I gonna show you how you arm

break girl: and I got my boys in the back too you know that

girl. I go to the phone: police, even though they won’t come:

the line is cut: the phone is dead. The back is a jungle.

I open the door. The head of the pack is there. Behind him

there are seven or eight men, slouching, spitting, smoking. They

are several feet behind him. He is smaller than most of them,

dark, curly hair, not shaved, heavy moustache, earring in one

ear, gold, big dark eyes. Now girl this is the way it is, I keep

my word, you open the door we talk. Now you make a choice

girl. See these boys do what I say and now you let me in and

you take care of me real nice girl right now and we have a

good time or you close the door girl and we come in all together

and we get you good girl: you see girl you decide. He pulls out

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a knife: gold, ornate, the size of a dagger. He fingers it. What

do you want, I say. He says, hey girl I just wanna come in,

have a little smoke, make a little love girl what you think, but

these boys here they ain’t so nice as me they a little rough girl

sometimes they ain’t so nice but you take my word girl you let

me in and I tell them to go home and they go home. I don’t

know what he will do but I know what they will do. I take my

chances with him. I say, you have to leave the knife outside.

He says, no girl hey that knife she my friend she go with me

where 1 go girl. I say, I won’t let you in with the knife. OK,

girl, I put the knife right here, right on this here window girl,

and if anything happen to me girl my boys put this knife right

in your back you understand girl. I nod. He turns to them, says

something in Spanish. They linger. He talks again. They leave.

Ah you see girl you so sweet it hard for them to go but you a

friend of Joe now.

He saunters in, looks around. Oh yeah girl they was nice

records you had, nice. He saunters into the middle room, sits

on the mattress, takes off his shirt. A gold cross glimmers in

his hairy chest. Hey girl now you make me something to eat, I

got to have something to eat girl so I can screw you good. We

got time girl. We got all night. We don’t have much food, I

say. Oh yeah girl that right, well, what you got. I say, there are

hot dogs. You make me hot dogs girl. I want you to make me

hot dogs girl. I am counting the minutes, thinking that maybe

if I can keep him eating or talking or distracted N will come

back or it will get light or he will fall asleep or I will think of

something: I use pacifist strategies, try to make him see I am

human, ask him questions about himself. The boys still outside

girl, I holler and they come, so you cook girl. I cook.

He chatters. He grabs a sharp knife in the kitchen: hey girl

this for me not you. You thinking about using this on your

boyfriend Joe, that ain’t right girl. He eats. Why you not eating

girl? I say I am not hungry. I sit across the huge wooden table

from him, the kitchen dull in the artificial light of a bare bulb.

He eats. Oh this is good girl, you this good girl? We gonna

find out girl.

He drinks iced water. He drinks iced tea. He drinks vodka

out of the bottle. He gets up. OK girl you come.

He saunters back to the mattress. He takes off his pants. 1

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stand there. There is a banging on the door. I am frozen. Don’t

you say nothing girl or you gonna be dead. The sharp knife is

in his hand. I stand there, quiet, so still. The knocking continues. You know who that is girl? I nod yes, thinking that if I can get to the door maybe I can get help: but afraid it is his

boys. The knocking goes on and on. I don’t dare move. We

wait for it to stop. I say maybe I should see who it is. He says

don’t you move girl, don’t you fucking move. The knocking

stops. He says, now you get over here girl. The knocking starts

again. A deep male voice calls me by name. Oh, I say, it is

someone I know, if I don’t answer he will be worried and do

something, but I can go to the door and tell him to go away.

You do that, says Joe real quiet. You better get him away girl.

You better do that. Or I gonna get you good girl. You ain’t

keeping my boys and me out girl. I promise, I say, I will make

him go away. I promise I won’t say anything. The knocking

continues. I see the knife, I see the cross, I see the hairs on his

naked chest. OK girl you got two minutes then you be here. I

walk toward the door. It is a long, slow walk and I am afraid.

I open the door. It is W, someone N and I know only slightly, a

dealer, a tall, thin, dignified black man: very tall. I step just

slightly outside the door and whisper please help me: I point to

the dagger on the window ledge: I say there’s a man in there I

can’t get out he forced his way in please help me I beg you. I will

take care of it, he says with enormous quiet conviction. He walks

in. Joe is there undressed, on the mattress, the knife in his hand

on his belly. W says, what’s this I hear you fucking junkie you

trying to take my woman from me, I’m gonna fucking kill you.

He says this very quietly but with a deep resonance in his voice.