Andrea Dworkin - Mercy

Stoli and bourbon and ice, and there’s cheese and some little

pieces o f food, some little sandwiches, tender little things you

can eat in one bite, yo u ’d be hard pressed to take two, you

know those funny little sandwiches that are always wet and

sort o f wilted, and the room ’s so shiny and white and big the

people almost disappear in it, the ceiling’s so high you feel like

a little ant, and it seems the people are sparse though there’s a

lot o f them, they don’t look like the wind got to them but

rather they’re all polished up, all shined, and there’s paintings

on the walls, Jill’s paintings, and in the middle o f the room

there’s Jill but she’s not looking all polished up, she’s sort o f

gray and miserable, and I say hi and I congratulate her and

she’s mad and sad and I say well it’s a big deal, really, and your

nerves are bound to get frayed, aren’t they, and she gets darker

and stranger, and Paul comes over, and she glowers, and he

says some pleasant things, and she and he seem to agree that

the paintings are on the wall and the people are in the room,

and there’s a certain amount o f tension over this, and Paul’s

saying normal things like hey have something to drink and

there’s food, take some, or have some, and I’m saying the sort

o f foolish things people say about paintings, aren’t they

strong, aren’t they interesting, haven’t they grown, don’t they

dominate the room, and it works kind o f like Valium because

Jill evens out and there’s a small smile out o f one side o f her

mouth at least and I think I should just walk around and see

about finding someone I can ask for a place to sleep, and I walk

around, and I have one drink to warm up because I can’t drink

because I don’t know what the rest o f the night will be and

relaxing isn’t in the picture until there’s shelter and I have a wet

sandwich and I chat with this woman and this man and they’re

mostly painters and they really all want to say something

about the relationship, Paul and Jill, not the paintings, so

there’s this catty, gossipy quality to everything and also it’s all

secretive because no one wants to be accidentally overheard by

Jill or Paul and while Jill is staying one place, dead center in the

room, just standing there by a particularly big painting, Paul is

all over, behind people, in conversations, introducing people,

the real host, the scout leader; and he chats with me awhile too.

But I’m scared, because I know this will end and real life will

come back. I know the trick’s not to look desperate. I know

the trick’s to seem as if there’s nothing wrong; w hy the hell do

you need to sleep on someone’s floor if nothing’s wrong? I

can’t think o f any plausible reason but I figure it’s not rational

as such, you know, reasons, it’s attitude, you have to have a

kind o f calm as if it’s just normal so no one thinks they’ll have to

give you anything; or care for you. So I make m yself steady

and I think this is normal and I ain’t so scared as actually I am

and I think well Jill knows everyone here and she’s m y friend

so I’ll ask her and I take her aside, meaning just a little o ff her

mark, and I say I need a place to sleep and is there anyone here

who might put me up ju st for one night, and she says she’ll

think about it, and I smile and act as if it’s okay one w ay or

another and I drift o ff and more time passes, and I’m drinking

soda and thinking, every second thinking, m y heart beating

too fast in fear, but outside I’m calm and simple, and Jill comes

up and says, listen, I’m going home with Paul so w hy don’t

you stay at m y loft, and I say that’s great, because it is, and I am

fucking happy, I think even it will be nice, it’s a big place, it’s

sort o f dark but it’s fine, you know, with a bed on a kind o f

platform, a mattress really, and it’s really nice, you know, so

I’m at ease, I mean I am really happy, and I pour m yself a stiff

drink, a real fine drink, and I’m chatting aw ay like a real

person, you know, I can’t emphasize enough how m y heart

slows down and how m y blood stops racing and how inside

m y head calms down and I’m just a person, not so shiny as the

others but not scared no more, more like a happy girl o f the

regular kind, and then, once the adrenaline has subsided

altogether, I feel how tired I am, I feel how it’s worn me out, I

feel how cold I got and how I’m just dragged out and

enervated, weary, and it’s midnight by now , I been at the

opening a long time, and I think it’s decent to leave, so I go to

Jill, and she and Paul are holding hands and they are looking

happy and I am glad there’s a truce and I ask if I could go to her

loft now , and she’s upset or confused or something, and m y

heart sinks, but he says, look, I’m going to stay at Jill’s loft

with her, it’s ju st easier, so w hy don’t you go to m y place, it’s

empty, there’s no problem, I’ll give you the keys, okay? I say

things like I don’t want to put you out and arc you sure it’s

okay and he says what is obvious, I ain’t putting him out

because it’s a big night for Jill and he’s staying with her at her

place because it’s ju st better for her that w ay; and I say fine; and

everyone says fine; and he’s going to give me the keys and

directions because I’m not sure where it is from here and I’m

waiting for him to come tell me these things, he said he’d write

them down, and fatigue is dragging me down, and I get my

coat and he comes and says hell I’ll just walk you there, it’s no

big deal, Jill’s going to be here for a couple o f hours yet, I’ll

walk you and come back, it’s just a few blocks away; and I was

glad because I didn’t want to get lost and I don’t know it

around here so good and it’s late and the streets are a little scary

down here, it’s not a regular neighborhood, and the wind has

made the streets bare and menacing as if it’s blowing dark

shadows in your face to smother you, and we go out, and it’s

colder than before, you are turned half to ice and the streets are

empty, just this naked cement with tides o f wind sweeping

over it like a sandstorm in the desert, and he says shit let’s get a

drink, and we step into a bar, we fucking dive into it, grateful

it’s there, and w e’re at the bar and I’m drinking my Stoli