B.L. Miller - Crystal's Heart

"I'm staying," Patty said firmly, guiding Margaret into the nearest chair.

"No," Crystal said. "It's between us." She moved to the far side of the table, wanting to put as much distance between her and her mother as she could.

"It's okay," Margaret said to her eldest daughter. "Go be with the children."

Crystal shrugged casually at the warning look given by her sister, rebellious defiance welling within her. Patty looked as though she was going to protest again, but finally turned and entered the living room.

Unable to make out the words, Crystal heard Laura's voice, then Patty's through the closed door. Feeling the floor shake, it took a second for her to figure out the kids were running down the hall. She made a mental note to ask her lover about it later, then turned her attention to the woman across the table from her. Taking a deep breath, she raised her eyes to meet her mother's, seeing the same sad look she had witnessed earlier. The venomous words that had longed to come forth for so many years caught in her throat, refusing to come out at the moment when they could have done the most damage. "Damn you, Doc," she muttered, turning away and walking over to the window. Part of her wanted so much to lash out, to verbally rip her mother into shreds. After all, it felt good to list off every one of her mother's failings in her therapy sessions with Jenny. What was holding her back now? "Do you know how many times I wished I had never been born?" she asked, still staring out the window. "That I never had to go through the hell that was my life?" Turning around, she leveled an accusing glare at her mother. "Did it ever occur to you all those nights you sat there sucking down that whiskey that maybe your kids needed you, even just a little?"

"Crystal, I know I failed you and your sister"

"Oh, you got that right," she said, cutting her mother off. "You know what happened to me after I ran away?"

Margaret's head dropped, her eyes glistening. "Your sister told me," she said quietly.

"Did she tell you how I had to have sex with men to get enough money to eat?" Part of her took a perverse sense of pride in her mother's visible flinch but at the same time another part felt hollow, a painful emptiness that all the hateful words in the world would not cure. Kicking the chair leg with her foot, she pushed it out enough to slump onto the vinyl cushion. "I did what I had to do," she said softly. "I couldn't go back to that hell." Folding her arms in front of her, Crystal stared down at the table. "I used to dream that someday you'd take us away from him, that you'd stop drinking and be a mother like everyone else had. One that paid attention to them, that made sure they had clean clothes for school, that made dinner for them instead of making them get it themselves." Ignoring the tightening in her chest, Crystal pushed on, gazing down at nothing. "Why?" Swallowing hard, she lifted her head to look at her mother. "Why couldn't you be like the other mothers? Why couldn't you have cared about us as much as you cared about that damn whiskey?"

Margaret pulled a tissue from inside her sleeve and dabbed her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice cracking. "I'm sorry I married your father, that I didn't take you two girls away from him when you were babies. I'm sorry I couldn't see how much my drinking was destroying everything until it was too late." She wiped her eyes again and sniffed. "I'm sorry I wasn't the mother you should have had."

Crystal wanted to doubt the sincerity of the woman sitting across from her, to pass the trembling lips and tears as just a desperate attempt to gain her sympathy, but there was no denying the heartfelt regret and pain in her mother's voice. "So am I," she said, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. "So am I," she repeated softly. Her ears picked up the sound of Laura and Patty still talking in the living room, rather heatedly if the sudden rise in volume was any indication. She tried to listen but only caught a word or two at a time before the voices quieted down. Staring at her cigarette, Crystal let seconds drag into minutes, the silence broken only by the faint ticking of the kitchen clock and the thumping of the children's feet as they came running back down the hall. She was tired. Tired of all the anger, all the tears and pain. Nothing would change the nightmare that was her childhood. It was time, if not to forgive the past, to move on with the present. Taking a shaky breath, she lifted her head and looked into her mother's shining eyes. "I can't forgive you for what happened," she said. "But I don't hate you." Standing up, she shrugged and extinguished the cigarette. "I guess I just wanted you to know that," she said, pushing the chair in. "Laura and I gotta get going now," she said, walking toward the door.

"Crystal?"

She stopped in front of the door and looked back at her mother. "What?"

Margaret pushed herself up, leaning her hands on the table for support. "Thank you," she said, letting a tear roll down her cheek. Crystal shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah well" She put her hand on the door. "I did it for me." She pushed the door open and left the kitchen before Margaret could say anything further. Jessica jumped up from her seat on the floor as Crystal entered the room. "Did you and Grandma fight?"

"No Jess, we didn't fight," Crystal said, noticing her nephew sitting in front of the television, fully engrossed in a video racing game. "We talked and right now it's getting late so Laura and I have to go home." She heard the squeak as the swinging door opened behind her. Moving aside, she watched as Patty came over to help their mother to the couch. "I'll call you tomorrow," she said as her sister passed. Patty nodded but said nothing. "Fine, whatever." Bending down, she Jessica a quick hug. "You be good, okay?"

"Okay, Aunt Crystal. When are you coming back?"

"Soon," she said. "Or you can come over to our place."

Jessica's eyes lit up. "Oh, when?"

Put on the spot, she looked up at Laura. "Uh

I don't know."

"How about next weekend?" Laura suggested. "It'll give me time to straighten everything out."

Crystal knew what her lover meant was to get all breakables up out of reach of curious children. "Yeah, next weekend is good if your mother says it's okay," she said to her niece.

Patty nodded. "As long as you behave and have that room picked up," she said.

"Can I come too?" Thomas asked, turning his attention away from the video game for a second.

"Yes, you can come too," Crystal said.

"I'll walk you to the car," Patty said. "Thomas, your games are scattered all over the place. Pick them up and put them away please." "Okay Mom."

"I'll help," Jessica added, kneeling down and picking up two of the games. Crystal turned away from the children and headed for the door, Laura and Patty right behind her.

"What?" Crystal asked as soon as they were outside.

"What did you say to her?" Patty asked.

"Um, I'll go get the Jeep warmed up," Laura offered, though it was not cold enough to warrant such an action.

"We just talked," Crystal said to Patty as Laura walked away. "Nothing you have to worry about."

"Well I do worry," Patty said. "You're my sister and she's my mother. You spent half the night giving her looks and you haven't said a kind word to her since you returned. How am I not supposed to worry?"

Crystal pulled her cigarettes out of her pocket and offered one to her sister. "You can't expect everything to be all nice-nice between us," she said, taking a cigarette for herself and lighting it. "And I'm never going to be as nice to her as you are so don't expect it."

"But?"

Inhaling deeply, Crystal took a long drag on her cigarette before answering. "But as long as she doesn't try to act like mother of the year or go on about how she cares for me, I think we can be civil to each other."