Brian Jacques - Redwall #20 - Eulalia!

"Ah were plannin' on poppin' o'er to visit the shrews, but ah went an' forgot. Woe to birds that gets owld, that's wot ah says, lass. This head o' mine has gotten like a leaky pot, nothin' stays long in it these days."

Maudie nodded. "Just as long as you know which way we're goin', old chap, don't want t'get jolly well lost."

Asio hooted scornfully. "Get lost goin' to Bulrush Bower?

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Ah could find mah way theer blindfold, an' with both wings tied behind mah back, lass."

They ploughed deeper into the vast woodland tracts, to areas where the tree canopy was so dense that only a soft, green light prevailed. It was mossy underpaw, and silent, the monolith trunks of giant trees reared upward, like columns of black stone.

Asio winged toward a soft pool of golden radiance, which could be seen some distance off, remarking, "Ah'd have t'be daft to miss Bulrush Bower, sithee, there 'tis, lass. May'ap we'll be in time for lunch."

Maudie perked up at the mention of food. "Indeed, they sound like a jolly lot, can you hear 'em singin', listen."

Sure enough, the sound of rough bass voices, both old and young, became plain as they drew closer.

"Ho, truss up me troubles an' toss em away, go sink 'em deep down in the waters, even fathers an' mothers have grandparents, too, one time we were all sons an' daughters....

Guosim! Guosim! Bind 'em sling 'em douse 'em!

With a gee and a you and an oh oh oh, an ess and an eye and an em em em!

Oh Guosim I'm one o' them!"

Maudie found herself skipping along to the catchy air.

Asio merely muttered grumpily. "Huh, wot's all that supposed t'mean?"

The haremaid chided her friend. "Why should it have to mean anythin', it's just a jolly happy song, an' I for one blinkin' well like it!"

Bulrush Bower was a small pond in a clearing. It was, of course, fringed entirely by bulrushes. The place was packed with Guosim shrews, small, spiky-furred beasts with long snouts. Each one wore a coloured headband and a broad, buckled belt, into which was tucked a little rapier;

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their only other clothing was a short kilt. They showed no fear of their two visitors, though one fellow, an aggressive-looking type, drew his sword, barring their way. "Where d'ye think yore off to, eh?"

Maudie bowed formally, she knew how to deal with creatures like this. Her tone was cool and distant. "I'm a messenger from the Lord o' Salamandastron, take me to your chief. Don't stand there lookin' useless, put up that blade, an' bloomin' well shift yourself, laddie buck. Sharpish, wot!"

The shrew immediately did as he was bidden, they followed him, with Asio murmuring, "Marvellous! Ecky thump, ah knew the lass were magic!"

A large area of the sunny sward had been covered with picnic tablecloths, it was spread with scores of pies, each one with a cream topping. A fat-bellied shrew, with over-large ears, was striding around amid the pies. Dabbing his paw into odd ones, he would taste it, then pull a wry face. Turning to meet the visitors, he wiped his lips with a kerchief.

"Asio Bardwing, yore a day late, the festival started yesterday. I suppose you forgot as usual. Hello, who's this, a friend o' yourn?"

Asio blinked several times, revolving his head. "This is er, er ... oh, tell him who thou art, lass!"

The haremaid held out her paw. "The name's Maudie Mugsberry Thropple, sah, from Salamandastron."

The shrew seemed impressed, he shook Maudie's paw in a grip like a steel nutcracker. "Salamandastron, eh? Welcome, miss. I'm chieftain o' these Guosim an' my name's Log a Log Luglug."

Log a Log was always the given title for a shrew chieftain. Luglug pointed to his oversized ears. "Don't even bother askin' how I came by the name o' Luglug, or ye could find yoreself in trouble." Picking up a pie, he offered it to them. "I'd like ye to try this, an' tell me wot ye think.

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Our best cook an' her mate are off visitin' relatives. So some of the young 'uns volunteered to 'elp out with pie makin'. Wot ye see is the results of their efforts."

The pies looked appetising enough, but a taste from each of Luglug's guests confirmed his worst fears. After just one bite, Maudie and Asio pulled horrible faces, reaching for water to wash away the taste. Asio squinched his eyes hard.

"Burst me beak! Art thou tryin' t'poison us, Luglug?"

Maudie's ears shot up stiffly as she gasped out, "By the left! Pie, d'ye call that? Guuurrrgh! It's enough t'give you the clangs'n'collywobbles for ten seasons. What did they blinkin' well put in it?"

Log a Log Luglug shrugged. "Some fruit from three seasons back, swampvetch, stinkweed, pounded ransom, an' swine parsley. The usual stuff young scallywags put in when they wants to upset their elders. I wish we had a decent cook with us, I really do."

Maudie was not normally one to volunteer, but she saw an opportunity to curry favour with the shrew chieftain. "Say no more, sah, I'm the very chapess you're lookin' for, I was assistant cook at Salamandastron. Now, where's the bloomin' galley, an' some fresh ingredients, wot?"

Luglug called some of the older shrews over. "Show Miz Maudie the supplies, an' get a good fire goin' under them clay ovens. Do as she tells ye, an' mayhaps we'll get some-thin' good to eat t'day." He shook his head irately at the array of dreadful pies. "Dig a hole an' bury these, as deep as ye can!"

Maudie had a sudden idea. She approached Luglug, whispering in his ear, "'Scuse me, sah, but how about this for a wheeze..."

Luglug listened to the haremaid's scheme, then he grinned broadly and smote her heartily on the back. "I don't know wot a wheeze is, but if'n that's wot ye call it then I'm all for it!"

He hailed a passing young shrew. "Ahoy, Dinger, was you one o' the pie-makin' crew?"

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Dinger and several of his young friends smirked maliciously. Their culinary atrocities had not gone unnoticed. Dinger took a sweeping bow. "Aye, me an' me mates made 'em special for ye!"

Luglug selected two pies, passing one to Maudie. The shrew chieftain winked at Dinger. "That was good of ye, but we ain't greedybeasts, we'll share em with ye!" Splaaattt! The pie caught Dinger square in the mouth. Maudie's pie came a respectable second, landing flat on the forehead of a young shrew close to Dinger. A few of the young shrews got behind Maudie and Luglug, pelting them vigorously with the cream topped pies. That did it! Within moments, Bulrush Bower became the scene of a fully fledged pie fight. Amid howls of laughter, the dreadful missiles flew back and forth between young shrews and their elders. Pies squelched into faces as the shrews slithered and slipped to take aim, or to avoid flying pies.

When the first pie was launched, Asio fled into the cover of a spruce tree, being of the opinion that owls were pretty poor pie fighters. Not so with Maudie and Luglug; caked from tip to tail with squashed cream, crust and filling, they battled on heroically, giggling, gurgling and falling over backward whenever they were hit. It was enormous fun while it lasted, but finally the pies ran out, and everybeast sat down amid the slutchy residue.

Asio flew down to a lower perch, casting a jaundiced owl's eye over the haremaid and the shrew chieftain. He pointed a wing accusingly at them. "Thou wert the ones that started all this, look at the mess of ye, ah've never seen owt like it!"

Young Dinger rose from the debris, blowing pie filling from the tip of his snout. Exchanging reproving glances with Asio, he shook a paw at Luglug and his contingent, exclaiming, "Old 'uns these days, I don't know, wot's the world coming to, eh?"

The statement caused roars of unbridled laughter from

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all the Guosim. Heaving themselves upright, and supporting one another, the entire shrew tribe tottered into the pond shallows to clean up.