Brian Jacques - Redwall #20 - Eulalia!

Asio clacked his hooked beak disgustedly. "Ah were never fond o' vegetables, but ah'm quite partial to green things, frogs, toads, newts, lizards. Go on, wot else does she say?"

The haremaid intoned in a dirgelike voice, "She says you will meet a very pretty young owl. When you do, you must mind your manners and treat her kindly."

Asio clenched his talons with joy, almost taking off Maudie's nose as she reared back. "Tell me more, more!"

Maudie continued, "If you treat her like a toff, she'll jolly well marry you, and lay scads of bloomin' eggs. There, that's all I can see, everything's gone fuzzy!"

Asio thrust his beak to within a hairsbreadth of her nose. "Wot's a toff?"

Maudie shrugged. "Oh, er, a nice sort of chap."

The owl's eyes circled dreamily. "An' y'say she'll lay eggs, eh! Eggs, that's where little owls come from, tha knows. Bah gum, lass, thankee kindly!"

Maudie shook her head, as if coming out of a trance.

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"Oh, think nothin' of it, old bean, us magic hares do this sort o' thing all the flippin' time, wot!"

Asio hopped up into the branches of the oak. "Ah'm beholden t'thee, lass, bide there 'til ah get mah owlyharp, an' ah'll sing thee a song." He rummaged about in the foliage until he came up with a beautiful little harp. Hopping back down to the fireside, Asio began tuning it and getting his voice into pitch, whilst he posed dramatically.

Plinkplinkplink ... "Toowhoohoohoo!" Plinkplink ...

The haremaid felt like covering her ears, it was the most dreadful, tuneless din she had ever heard. But she sat smiling, and looking appreciative, out of courtesy.

The owl's chest puffed out like a balloon, as he launched into his discordant song. It was actually an owl courtship ballad, containing many drawn-out hoots.

"I've spoken to your pa and to your mother, too, whoohoo, they've given me permission for to woo, whoohoo, so now I can come calling upon you, whoohoohoohoo,

If I say I love you will you love me, too, whooooooooh!

"Cows go moo and doves can coo, some fish blow lots of bubbles, too, but only owls can woo hoo hoo!

"We'll fly into the sky so high and blue, whoohoo,

I'll catch butterflies and moths for you, whoohoo, you'll be the happiest owl that ever flew, whoohoohoohoo,

I'll stay forever true, my dear, to you, whooooooooh!

"For limpets limp round in a crew, they stick together just like glue, but only owls can woo hoo hoo oooooooooh!"

Maudie's ears were still buzzing from Asio Bardwing's hoots, long after he had ended his song. Despite her suffering

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she clapped enthusiastically, with both ears and paws, in the approved hare manner. "Oh I say, super hunky dory, wot, well done, Asio!"

The owl preened his feathers and took a bow. "Aye, it were rather gradely, even though ah say so m'self. Hearken, lass, shall ah sing thee another?"

The haremaid protested vigorously. "Good grief, no, you must save that spiffin' voice o' yours, in case an attractive young owl flaps by. Please don't wear your blinkin' beak out on my behalf."

The owl put aside his owlharp reluctantly. "May'aps yore right, lass, 'ey up, are y'not feelin' well?"

Maudie lay back, with a paw draped across her brow, doing her best to look pale and interesting. "Oh, I'll be alright, just achin' a trifle, from the rocks those lizardy blighters chucked at me. I feel a bit tired that's all."

Immediately Asio became the model of sympathy and help. "Right, you lay down there an' get a good owld sleep, lass. Ah'll see to the fire an' keep it goin'. Don't worry about owt now, ah'll be up in yon tree, keepin' an eye out for thee until dawn."

That night Maudie slept safe and sound, knowing she had no need to worry about sneak attacks, with Asio Bardwing in the tree overhead, protecting her.

Maudie rose refreshed, dawn had already broken, promising a warm summer day. Woodland birdsong could be heard far and near as Maudie blew on the fire embers, coaxing them into life with twigs and dried moss. She liked the woodlands, they were a pleasant change from heathland, mountains and shoreline. The shadow and light of trees afforded sunlit swards, placid dimness and dappled aisles amid the big ancient trunks.

Stretching and yawning, Maudie looked up into the oak foliage. She was not best pleased by what she saw. There was the owl, fast asleep.

Muttering to herself, the haremaid laid out some scones,

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for toasting. "You have a good night's sleep, an' ah'll watch out for thee, lass. Hah, the bloomin' old fraud, I could've been jolly well murdered in my own bed, with him snorin' his confounded beak off right over my head! Hmph, I'll let the blighter snooze on for that, see if he gets any brekkers off me? Fat chance! Anyhow, a cad like that prob'ly doesn't eat respectable tuck, wot! More likely he stalks the blinkin' neighbourhood scoffin' any wretched reptile that blinks an eye at him! Sleepin' on duty, too? By the left, he'd be on a fizzer if old Major Mull caught him nappin'...."

"Whoohoo, is that toastin' scones ah smell?" Asio came flapping down from his perch, almost knocking Maudie flat with a heavy buffet from his wings. "Well, ain't this grand, toasty scones, an' ah see thee've got honey t'spread o'er 'em, too. Ecky thump, lass, th'art a little treasure an' no mistake!"

The haremaid thought of enforcing her ban on the owl's breakfast, but one look at the wicked talons stuffing a scone between the razor curves of the lethal beak changed Maudie's mind. However, she was not her normal cheerful self, and treated Asio coolly as they shared the scones. After they had eaten, the owl began pacing back and forth, swivelling his head. "Ah've been thinkin', lass!"

The haremaid replied snootily, "Oh really, is that where the noise was coming from!"

Asio chuckled. "Nay, pudden'ead, owls don't make noises when they think!"

Maudie immediately felt sorry for her waspish remark. "Sorry, what was it you were thinkin', old lad?"

The owl explained. "This badger thou art lookin' for, ah can tell thee, hide nor hair of him ain't been sighted hereabouts all season. But if there was such a beast in the land, ah'll wager somebody at Redwall Abbey would've spotted 'im. Aye, Redwall, that's the place, lots o' travellers visits there, lass!"

Maudie's ears stood up straight. "Oh, corks, I've just

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remembered, that's where I was ordered to go. Redwall. Oh, I'd dearly love to visit that jolly old heap, I've heard so flippin' much about it, from the chaps at Salamandastron who've been there. I say, Asio, you don't actually know how t'get there, do you?"

The owl winked a huge yellow eye at her. "Ah did once upon a day, but ah've forgotten now. Still, never fret, lass, ah know who does, an' ah can take ye to 'em as well!"

Maudie began packing her scant belongings. "Splendid, right, lead on, O feathered matey. Er, by the way, who exactly is it that you know, wot?"

Asio pecked at a few scone crumbs that had stuck to his talons. "Hasn't thee heard of the Guosim?"

The haremaid stood, ready to leave. "Oh, y'mean the shrew chaps, Guosim. 'Guerilla Union of Shrews in Moss-flower,' first letter of each word, that's how they got their name, y'know, Guosim! I came across 'em one time, when I was out with the jolly old Long Patrol. Pretty odd bunch, the Guosim, singin' and feastin' one moment, then arguin' an' scrappin' the next, wot!"

The owl's yellow eyes widened in awe. "Well, blow mah feathers away, lass, ah never knew that was wot the name Guosim meant! Mossflower's Shrews in Union of Guerillas. How dids't thou remember all that? Ah were right when ah fust met thee. Magic, that's wot thee are, lass, magic!"

Maudie did not provoke further discussion with Asio by arguing. She followed him as he set out into the deep woodlands. The owl flew gracefully slow, keeping near to the ground, and gossiping constantly.