John Harwood - The Asylum

Even more disturbing was the suspicion that he had somehow awakened the sound; that it was aware of him, playing upon his curiosity and leading him on. He imagined himself digging and exposing a shattered skull—but what would follow if he did? He brought old Trethewey, the head gardener, over to the stables, and kept him talking by the entrance for some time. But Trethewey knew of no ancient crime, and the sound did not come, and when Frederic said tentatively that he had heard some odd noises of late, Trethewey gave him a pitying look and all but tapped his forehead, as if to say, “Another mad Mordaunt.” The following day he tried again, asking one of the undergardeners to inspect the brickwork with him; again the sound did not come, and he felt that this man, too, was regarding him strangely. But the very next time he approached the stables alone, he was greeted by a fierce volley of sounds from within—hard, and menacing, and too fast, surely, for human hands wielding a pick—and he could not summon the courage to enter.

“And what happened after that?” I asked, when he did not immediately continue.

“I knew what I ought to do: confide in Dr. Straker and ask him to investigate. But I feared it might be a symptom of—something worse than melancholia, and if it turned out that I could hear the noise, but he could not . . . So I have simply avoided the place ever since, hoping that whatever I disturbed, whether it was in the stables, or in my head—or, as I sometimes suspect, in both, will stay quiet as long as I keep away.”

“It cannot be good for you,” I said, “living here, in the shadow of so much anguish. Do you not think you might be happier—and healthier—away from this place?” I remembered asking him this the day before, but I could not recall his reply.

He hesitated for a long time before he spoke, keeping his eyes fixed upon the flames.

“I think of it all the time, Miss Ferrars. But as I may have said yesterday, my uncle and I are the last of our line. Uncle Edmund has never married, because he believes that the only way to eradicate the dark strain in the Mordaunt blood is to let it die out. And he expects me to follow his example.”

He took a long, uneven breath, as if to say, There; I have said it .

“And—does Dr. Straker agree with your uncle?”

“Yes, he does. He says that hereditary madness cannot be cured, only bred out—as we do with defects in every other species.”

“But is it absolutely certain,” I said, “that if you were to marry a woman who was—perfectly well, your children would be afflicted?”

“No, it isn’t, and there’s the rub. They might—especially if they were girls; it comes out mostly on the male side—they might be quite untouched. But the dark strain would still be there, and it might reappear in the next generation, or the one after that, in all its old virulence.”

“But that is like saying that it would be better if you had never existed. I have only known you a day, Frederic, and I do not think the world would be better without you—”

He took another long, shuddering breath and rose from his chair, still not looking at me. I thought he was about to walk out of the room; instead, he walked over to the window and stood with his back to me and his shoulders shaking. I rose, stiffly after all the hours of sitting, went over, and stood beside him. Racked by harsh, choking sobs, his face wet with tears, he struggled to regain his self-control. I placed my hand on his cold fingers and stroked them gently. No one, I thought, in his entire lonely existence, has ever said that they were glad he had been born. The uncle sounded like a cold fish; to Dr. Straker he was a useful part of the machinery of the asylum, and therefore to be encouraged and got out of bed in the mornings so that he could keep up the paperwork. But no one had ever told Frederic that they loved him.

Strangely, I had quite lost my self-consciousness. I was not, I realised, actually shocked at my boldness at calling him Frederic; nor did I repent of it; nor did I fear that he would think me immodest. Nor, strangest of all, did I think that I was falling in love with him. I did not think of myself at all: my heart had opened itself to him, whether I would or no. If I had a brother, I thought, a brother in terrible distress and anguish of mind, this is how I would feel.

Gradually his breathing steadied, and he turned to me with a wan smile.

“Thank you,” he said, “thank you. No one has ever—”

“No,” I said, still stroking his cold fingers. Our breath misted the glass. “Your uncle is wrong; I know he is, and I think you know it, too, in your heart. Yours is a loving spirit, and it should not die with you. Surely your melancholia would not return if you were away from here.”

“And when you are back in London,” he said, gazing at me as if memorising every detail of my appearance, “will you want to see me again?” The implication was unmistakable.

“Until I know what has happened to me, I cannot think beyond the present. But I know that I want to be your friend, and to see you again, and yes, I will write to you as soon as I am back in London. And now I think you should go, before Bella returns and—leaps to conclusions.”

“But you will wait for Dr. Straker, I trust?” he said, mopping his face with his handkerchief, “rather than taking the first train back?”

“Yes,” I said, suppressing another small, cold pang of unease. He had given me his word, and he was, after all, the heir: what was there to fear?

“Then I shall certainly join you for breakfast, and perhaps if the weather is fine, we might take a turn in the grounds.”

He left reluctantly, walking more or less backward until he bumped into the door-frame. Outside, the rain was still falling steadily, and the light was fading.

I lay awake for a long time that night, and when at last I did sleep, it was only to be wakened an instant later, as it seemed, by light footsteps in the passage outside my door. For a wild moment I wondered if it might be Frederic, also wakeful; then I thought it must be Bella; but would Bella not have come in? I went to the door and peeped out. Oil lamps flickered along the empty corridor; all the doors I could make out were closed. Where, I wondered, did Bella sleep? In one of the rooms nearby? I thought of the ghost in the old stable, and heard Frederic saying, “A house as old as this is never entirely still, even in the dead of night.” Chill air stirred around my ankles; I retreated hastily to bed, and lay awake for some time, listening uneasily. But the footsteps did not return.

The next time I woke, it was full daylight. I got out of bed at once, with a feeling of having overslept. Perhaps Frederic was already pacing up and down the sitting room, not wanting Bella to disturb me in case I was still asleep. Rather than wait for her, I got dressed on my own and hastened along the corridor. But the room was empty, and the fire had not been lit; perhaps it was earlier than I thought. I tugged at the bell-rope and went over to the window. The rain had ceased, but the garden below still dripped with moisture, and the paths were saturated.

I stood there for a while, watching the clouds bulge and crumple like grotesque faces floating just above the treetops. Surely Bella had never taken as long as this? I rang again and waited several minutes more, but still she did not come.

Perhaps the bell was not working. I went out into the dim, empty corridor. In the wall to my left, the direction from which Bella and Frederic had always appeared, were two more doors. I tried them as I went along; both were locked. The passage ended at another, heavier door; it, too, was locked.

If you choose to leave, no one will hinder you.