Gerri Hill - One Summer Night

"Jo, please call me when you get in."

Jo stared at the machine, wondering what Kelly wanted.

She thought briefly that she wouldn't call her, but she knew she would.

She got ready for bed, and as she lay there in the dark, she reached for the phone. Kelly answered right away.

"It's me," Jo said.

"Hi."

"What is it?" she asked.

Kelly was silent for a moment. "I wanted to tell you that I missed you," she said quietly.

"Do you?" Jo asked coldly.

"Yes."

"Is that why you went out last night?"

"Yes, it is," Kelly said.

Jo closed her eyes and she felt tears well there. "Was Lucy there?”

"Yes, she was," Kelly admitted.

"Did you dance with her?"

"Yes."

"Slow songs?" she whispered.

"Yes."

Jo felt a tear escape. "Did you kiss her?"

Kelly paused for only a moment. "She kissed me, yes."

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Jo bit her lip as tears fell from her eyes. Her heart lodged in her throat, and she swallowed hard.

"Jo?"

"Why?" Jo asked with a sob. "Why are you doing this?"

"You don't want me.”

"I want you," Jo insisted.

"You don't want me the way I need you to want me.”

"And Lucy does?"

Kelly didn't answer.

"Please tell me you didn't spend the night with her. I couldn't stand it if you did," she said softly and let her tears fall.

"No, I didn't spend the night with her."

"Did you spend part of the night with her?"

"Jo, don't do this," she warned.

"Oh, God. You slept with her, didn't you?” Jo closed her eyes and pictured them together, and she thought she was going to be sick.

"I was drunk enough to, I guess, but no, I didn't sleep with her. I left alone."

"You hurt me," Jo whispered.

"I don't mean to," Kelly whispered back.

"Why won't you talk to me anymore?"

"You don't think it hurts me to be with you? To feel the way I do about you and know that nothing can come of it?"

"I'm so sorry," Jo cried. "I miss you."

"Jo, what do you want from me?" Kelly asked. "You don't want my love. Do you just want sex?"

"Please, don't."

"Goddamn it, Jo.” She hung up.

Jo replaced the phone gently, rolled over and cried.

Jo didn't leave the house on Sunday, and she didn't answer the phone. The weather matched her mood, cold and 220

rainy all day long. She forced herself to read, and she forced herself to cook dinner, although she ended up throwing most of it away.

Betsy and Janis called and invited her to a movie, but she didn't return their call. Kelly called, too. Twice. But Jo didn't return her calls, either.

Monday morning, Kelly was waiting beside her office door. Jo wouldn't meet her eyes and Kelly followed her inside and closed the door behind her.

"You didn't return my calls," she accused.

"You hung up on me," Jo shot back.

"I'm in love with you," Kelly said.

Jo closed her eyes and turned away. She didn't need this so early in the morning.

"But I think I can get past that," Kelly said.

Jo turned back to her. "What?"

"I also need you. And I think you need me," she continued. "I know you don't love me. You may never love me."

Jo saw the hurt in her eyes.

"But that's okay. I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I'd rather be with you the way things were then to not be with you at all.”

"Kelly," Jo whispered. She felt tears sting her eyes again, and she moved to turn away. Kelly grabbed her arm and turned her around.

"Don’t you even want that anymore?" Kelly demanded.

"Yes, I want that. You're right. I do need you," she whispered. "It's just that I'm so mixed up, and I’ve been so goddamned miserable.”

Kelly took her in her arms, and Jo held on tightly. Yes, she needed Kelly. She had been so afraid she would never 221

know her arms again. She closed her eyes, laid her head on Kelly’s shoulder and cried.

"Shhh. I'm sorry," Kelly whispered. "I won't say it again, I promise. Who knows, maybe it will go away.”

Jo nodded and held her and wished she had called her back yesterday.

"Can I come over tonight?" Kelly asked.

Jo nodded and pulled out of her arms.

"I'll bring a pizza.”

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Chapter Twenty-Eight

They made love that night with as much intensity as they ever had. Jo cried afterward and Kelly held her, wiping her tears as they fell.

"What is it?" Kelly asked.

"I've missed you so much," Jo said. "I just couldn't bear to think that you were making love to Lucy."

"Lucy?"

"Thursday night. Friday night. I was so alone Friday night. I just knew that you were with her. And you were."

"I wasn't with her, Jo. She and Deb were at the bar. I danced with her. I danced with Deb, too."

"Did Deb kiss you, too?" Jo asked, and she smiled.

"No."

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"Did you dance with Lucy like you dance with me?" she asked seriously.

Kelly pushed her down and pinned Jo with her leg. "And just how do I dance with you?"

"Like you can’t wait to take me home and make love to me."

"Oh.” Kelly kissed her gently. "Then, no, I didn't dance with Lucy like that.” She smiled against Jo’s lips. "In fact, there was at least two feet between us at all times."

"I just bet. How did she get close enough to kiss you then?"

"Well, she held me against that back wall. It's very dark back there and before I knew what was happening. . . ."

"Don't," Jo said and covered Kelly’s mouth with her own. "I don't want to hear it."

"Then why did you ask?"

"You kissed her back, didn't you?"

"What if I told you I was pretending it was you?"

"Were you?"

"Yes. Only she doesn't kiss nearly as well as you do."

"I don't like to think of you kissing her," Jo said.

"Then don't. I didn't really kiss her, you know. We were dancing. A little closer than the two feet that I mentioned,"

she admitted, laying her head on Jo's shoulder. "She am-bushed me, really. I was drinking too much and my mind was wandering. I was thinking about you and how I should be with you."

"Were you really?"

"Really. Anyway, before I knew it, she was trying to shove her tongue down my throat."

"Oh, Kelly," Jo groaned.

Kelly laughed. "I shouldn't have even been there. I don’t even know why I went out."

“Why did you?” Jo asked.

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Kelly stared into her eyes. “I was trying to get you out of my mind. The bar seemed like a good place to start.”

Jo touched Kelly’s face lightly. “And Lucy was there.”

“I shouldn’t have danced with her. It’s unfair to her, you know. I don’t like to think that I was leading her on.”

"Were you?"

"No. I wasn't. You're the only one I want to be with, Jo."

Jo kissed her full on the mouth. "I want to be with you, too.” Jo pulled Kelly on top of her. "Make love to me again,"

she whispered.

Kelly spent nearly every night with Jo from then on.

Sometimes, she would bring clothes for the next day, and sometimes she would leave early and go to her apartment to shower and change. She never again told Jo that she loved her, and her eyes never told Jo either. When they made love, Jo had to initiate it. Even then, Kelly felt distant from her, her mind elsewhere. They never spoke of the pleasure that they gave each other and Jo was very conscious that things had changed between them. Many nights, Kelly fell asleep almost instantly, barely kissing Jo good night. Jo would wake in her arms, though, having moved to her in the darkness.

During the day, they were just friends. They had lunch together often, sometimes out, or sometimes Kelly would pick up sandwiches to eat in Jo's office. They both worked late most nights. Papers needed grading and finals needed to be written.

And this was the way Jo wanted it, she told herself. No words of love were spoken between them, and they had no commitment. Just a physical relationship, just like Jo had requested. It was all she needed, she insisted.