Philippa Carr - Witch from the Sea

I thought: If it is going to happen to me it will happen soon, and it will be while I am asleep in my bedchamber. I should have been wise and calm. I should have behaved as though nothing unusual had happened. I should have made it seem that that talk of the papers being discovered was mere servants’ gossip.

But I had not been strong enough.

I undressed and went to my bed. I had no intention of sleeping. I could not in any case. I was wide awake. It could be tonight, I thought, for if someone is trying to be rid of me it will have to be done soon, for every minute I live I could divulge something I have discovered in my mother’s papers.

I must not sleep tonight.

I propped myself up with pillows and waited.

There was no moon tonight and it was dark. My eyes were accustomed to the gloom and I could make out the familiar pieces of furniture in the room.

There I waited and I went over in my mind everything I had read in my mother’s papers. I promised myself that if I lived through this I would write my own experiences and add them to hers, that I might as she said look at myself with complete clarity, for that is important. One must see oneself, one must be true to oneself, for it is only then that one can be faithful to others.

And as I waited there in the gloom of my bedchamber, I heard the clock in the courtyard strike midnight.

Now my lids were becoming heavy; part of me wanted to sleep, but the tension within me saved me from that. I was firmly of the belief that if I slept I would never wake up. I would never know who it was who had killed my mother.

I must be ready.

And then it came … It must have been a half-hour past midnight, the steps in the corridor which paused outside my door. The slow lifting of the latch.

Oh God, I thought, it has come. And a fervent prayer escaped me. Not my father, I implored.

The door was opening. Someone was in the room—a shadowy figure, coming closer and closer to the bed.

I cried: “Senara!”

“Yes,” she said, “it is. I couldn’t sleep. I had to come to talk to you.”

She looked round. “Where’s my pallet?”

“It’s been taken away. I think it’s behind the ruelle.”

I was shaking. It must have been with relief.

She went to the wooden chair and pulled it close to the bed.

“I had to talk to you, Tamsyn. It’s easier to talk in the dark.”

“A fine time to come,” I said, returning to normal. And I thought: There will be two of us if the murderer comes.

“Yes,” she said. “It was easier when I slept here, wasn’t it? I’d just wake you and make you talk. Now I have to come to you.”

“Why did you go?”

“You know.”

“Dickon,” I said. “So he comes to visit you.”

“You’re shocked.”

“I’m finding out quite a lot that’s shocking.”

“You mean in the papers …”

I said, “I mean about you.”

“I can’t explain my feelings for Dickon,” she said. “He’s not much more than a servant, is he?”

“Put that down to ill luck. He has some education, as much as you have. He sings beautifully and dances too.”

“He doesn’t now. He’s a puritan.”

“Yet he visits you at night?”

“He’s trying to be a puritan. He wants me to marry him.”

“That’s impossible.”

“They want me for Lord Cartonel.”

“He may not want you after the Dickon adventure.”

She laughed. “Dickon is going away. They’re sailing in a week. Fancy! I shall see him no more. I can’t bear it, Tamsyn.”

“You’ll have to.”

“Not if I went with him.”

“Senara, you’re mad. You’d have to be a puritan.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“As if you ever could!”

“I could try … as Dickon tries. I’d have my lapses … but I suspect they all do.”

“I should put such nonsense out of your mind.”

“I want to be good, Tamsyn.”

“I suppose most people do, but they want other things more.”

“I have to confess to you, Tamsyn. It’s about Fenn Landor.”

“What?” I cried.

“I couldn’t bear that you should marry and go away. It was all so right for you, wasn’t it? He was approved of by the family. And he was so good and noble and you were to live not so far from here and dear Grandmother, and he would be such a good husband. It wasn’t fair.”

“What are you trying to tell me, Senara?”

“You’re such a fool, Tamsyn. Always believing the best of everyone. You just don’t know what life’s about. You’re the eternal mother and we’re all your children. We’re a wicked lot and you think the best of us. Fenn Landor is another like you. You go through life blindly innocent of the world. Look at this place. Look what goes on here.”

“You know,” I said.

“Of course I know. I’ve spied out things. I’ve seen what goes into Ysella’s Tower. I’ve seen the men go out with their donkeys when the lights are out in the tower. I know they lure ships on to the Devil’s Teeth and they don’t save the survivors. I’m going to make a guess. You’ve found those papers and your mother knew about this and she’s written about it and you know now. And you don’t know what to do. That’s it, is it not?”

I was silent. She’s right, I thought, I’m an innocent. I don’t see what is happening about me. I do believe in the goodness of everybody. But not any more. I know someone in this house is going to murder me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said.

“Oh no. I wasn’t going to do that. I used it though … that’s what I’ve got to tell you. You see, when Jan Leward was whipped he hated our father. So did Merry. They were ready to do anything that would bring harm to him. I questioned them about what I suspected and they told me so much. They told me that the grave next to your mother’s was that of Fenn Landor’s father and they told me how his ship was wrecked and he washed up on the coast. We put the stones on the graves—it was my idea. They thought it was revenge on your father, but I wanted it for Fenn Landor. I wanted a big shock for him because I felt in my bones—and I am a bit of a witch, you know—that he was going to ask you to marry him that night. I had to stop it. It was only partly because I didn’t want you to have everything that was right and proper. I didn’t want to lose you either. So that’s what we did. Then we put one on your mother’s grave. And when I found you’d brought the stone in I took it away and threw it in the sea. It had served its purpose. Then I sent Jan to tell Fenn Landor what was going on here. He thinks you know of it.”

“Oh Senara!”

“Yes, he’ll despise you and your father, and he’ll do something about it. I know he will. He’ll be here when there’s a wreck and he’ll catch them at it. Then we’ll see what will happen. But that’s why he’s kept away from you. I’ve sent Jan over to tell him that the grave in the burial ground is that of his father. That’ll bring some action, you see.”

In spite of everything I felt a certain pleasure. There was a reason for Fenn’s absence. I could understand how shocked he must have been by Jan Leward’s revelation. I knew how he would feel because of my own bewilderment. He would be uncertain how to act, as I was.

I could explain to him and I remembered with a sudden stab of joy that I could prove I had not known of the terrible things that were happening. Had I not saved the ship by lighting the lanterns—one of the trading ships of his own company!

“You see,” Senara was going on, “I am a witch. I stir up trouble as the witches stirred up the sea when the Queen was coming from Norway. I am wicked. You could say that I have given my allegiance to Satan. I have renounced God. It’s true Tamsyn.”