Robin Hobb - Blood of Dragons

She realized she was staring at him. A smile very slowly came to his face. He lifted a hand, crooked a finger at her.

‘No,’ she said. ‘I want you out of my room, Tellator.’

‘Thymara, please. I know I was harsh that night. It was necessary. Think of what would have happened if I hadn’t insisted you go down the well. It was much more than you finding the Silver for us. You found yourself. You discovered anew who you were meant to be, how strong you were …’

‘Stop it.’ She walked swiftly to a bag on the vanity table, opened it and drew out the moon-faced pendant. It glowed at her touch. ‘You should take this with you.’

‘It’s yours.’

‘It’s not mine, it was never mine, and I don’t want it. I’m not Amarinda and I don’t want to be Amarinda.’

He hadn’t moved. ‘You don’t have to be Amarinda for me. In this life, I loved Thymara long before I knew that I had loved Amarinda.’

She crossed the room, and when he made no move to take the pendant, she dropped it in his lap. He caught her wrist. She didn’t struggle against his grip, but only said, ‘If you don’t let go now, I’m going to hit you as hard as I can in the face.’

He gave a snort of amusement. ‘You might try, but it would never land on me.’ He let go of her wrist and she stepped away.

‘You’re not Rapskal,’ she said unevenly, hating that her voice caught in her throat. ‘Rapskal wouldn’t act like this. He wouldn’t talk to me this way. Rapskal was strange and silly, but he was also honest and honourable. And yes, I loved him. I don’t love you.’

His eyes followed her as she moved away from him. ‘I’m Rapskal. I’ve always been Rapskal.’

‘You were Rapskal. You’re someone else now. Rapskal would never talk to me this way, would never resort to trickery or pry at me with emotions—’

‘Everyone changes,’ he cut off her words.

She looked at him. Tears threatened but she would not weep in front of Tellator. Rapskal would have known that she wept for loss. Tellator would see it as feminine weakness. With a sickening lurch of her heart, she realized that there was enough of Amarinda in her to know exactly how he would react to her tears. ‘Not everyone changes as you have. Rapskal let you in and you became him. But if he had never touched the stone, he would never have become you. He would have grown and changed but—’

‘You’re being ridiculous!’ He laughed. ‘Are you saying I should have grown and changed only exactly as you wanted me to? Am I a plant, to be snipped and pruned and kept in a pot? Is that what you want? Someone you can completely control, someone to whom you dictate exactly who and what he is? How is that fair? What sort of a love did you have for me, that demands that I must always remain the same? If you had never groomed a dragon, you would not be the woman you are now. Does that mean your changes are wrong? Can you go back and be the Thymara you were the day we left Cassarick?’

‘No,’ she admitted. She took a ragged breath. His words were like a shower of stones. He spoke so quickly, built his logic so fast that by the time she’d seen the fault of his reasoning in one thought, he was ten thoughts away from it. His voice was low and reasonable but she felt battered by his words. She spoke quickly. ‘I’d give anything to speak to the Rapskal who journeyed here with me. He is the one I wish I could embrace one last time. Because I now know that I will never see him again, regardless of whether you come back or not.’

He opened his arms. ‘I’m here, Thymara. I’m here right now, and always have been. You’re the one who has refused to grow and change. You want to stay the girl who scampered through the treetops and accepted her father’s rules. Your parents made all your decisions for you, and now that you’re on your own, you still can’t step away and decide things for yourself. You want nothing to change, Thymara. But things that don’t change die. And even after death, change happens. You are asking the impossible. And if you keep requiring the impossible of your friends, they are going to grow and change and leave you behind. There you are right now, always standing apart and alone. Is that what you want? To be alone the rest of your life? Is that how you are choosing to grow? You used to be so indignant at how Jerd regarded you, but truly, what did you expect? She was growing into this new life. And you were not.’

The hateful, painful tears spilled. She knew that he twisted the facts, that what he said was not true, but the words wounded her all the same. She gave up trying to talk to him. Gave up trying to defend herself from Tellator. ‘You drowned him,’ she said in a low savage voice. ‘You pulled him down and drowned him.’

He shook his head at her and his eyes went hard. ‘You want me to be silly and boyish, don’t you? To chatter like a brainless squirrel, to hold your hand and run beside you and never think of you as a woman or of myself as a man. Why would I want that? The other keepers are beginning to respect me and my dragon. Listen to what you are saying! To win your love, I must remain the laughable idiot Rapskal, keeper of foolish, tubby Heeby. Is that what you are saying?’

His words trampled her. ‘That’s not what I’m saying,’ she protested. ‘You’re twisting everything.’

‘No. I’m just making you look at things as they are. Do you want to love a lack-wit boy, a bumbler, the butt of the jokes? Or do you want to love a man, a competent fellow who can protect you and provide for you?’

She shook her head, helpless before the onslaught of his words. ‘Stop talking about Rapskal like that,’ and it was as if she pleaded with a stranger to stop mocking her friend. She just wanted it all to stop. She wanted him to go away, but also wanted to never have the memory of this horrid, useless quarrel. The realization came to her, as clear as water. ‘You’re not trying to talk to me any more. You’re not trying to talk me into being Amarinda; you’re not even trying to get me to spread my legs for you tonight. You’re just trying to hurt me now. To say anything that will hurt me because I won’t let you rule me. The Rapskal I loved would never do this to me. Or to anyone.’

His face changed. It was only for a moment. Then the lines of his jaws and eyes firmed again, and she had to wonder if it was a trick, a deception, that for a moment she had glimpsed her old friend. The man stood abruptly. The moon-pendant fell unheeded to the floor.

‘I came here to say farewell,’ he said harshly. ‘If all I wanted was a woman to spread her legs, well, Jerd would doubtless oblige. I wanted you to become all you should be, Thymara. To grow into being the sort of woman that is suited to a man like me. And you’ve changed our farewell into a stupid, childish argument about who I am. So. Have it your way. I’m leaving. I’m leaving this room, and you, and tomorrow I’m leaving the city. And if I never return, well, I’m sure you won’t regret that you turned your last chance to bid me goodbye into another one of your silly plays. I can’t waste any more time on you. Tomorrow I fly, to lead the dragons in their vengeance against Chalced. To put an end to people hunting dragons. That doesn’t seem to be something you much care about.’

The cold river of his words tumbled and bruised her on the rocks, drowning her in his acid criticism. She pointed wordlessly at the door. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she fought the sobs that tried to rise and choke her. He stalked to the door and she followed, two paces behind, out of reach. I fear him , she thought, and knew by that admission that the love she had felt for wild, silly, gentle, thoughtful Rapskal was only a memory.

He turned in the hallway, his eyes hard and glittering as jewels. ‘One more thing,’ he said coldly.