K. A. Bareki - Sex & Intimacy 101

(b) Sexual differences

All my books and sermons are like this. They always are at the beginning like a deviation from the central topic. I wanted you to understand the difference between both sexes before we proceed. If you skipped this stage, you have missed a very important lesson. Now what’s next? I want to tell you what happens when a man and a woman have sex. What happens to the male and what happens to the Female? How can you thoroughly sex a man or woman when you don’t know what really transpires during copulation. Okay, when a man and woman are in the bedroom there are no arbitrators or human rights activists. The light may be bright or dimly lit.... Ok before the light is bright or dimly lit, you met this guy or girl, loved her from the day you saw her. Was that love? Oh yah, let’s just say so, but it was just a feeling brought about by testosterone.

The presence of hormones is obvious during the teenage stage and into our youth and adult stage. We thus have a lot of crushes at this stage. But for males,it’s got to be triggered by sight. You saw this person, were crazed by what you saw coz you liked it, and the rest became an oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone movie. They call it ‘‘love at first sight.’’ I think I remember feeling that way about my wife. I thank God I never had to have a crush on every girl. I am the ‘‘marriage type.’’ But I went through the spell of having a crush. Having a crush is a feeling that makes one weak and love stung. Until it happens to you, you won’t understand why the King’s bride in Songs of songs says,‘‘I am overcome by love,’’ (Songs of songs 2:5), or ‘‘I am faint with love’’,(Songs of songs 2:5). Have you ever loved someone to such an extent that you cannot look into a bathtub, or dishwashing basin and not see the face of your lover? When I met my wife, I could not act like a Shaolin monk. I had to admit that someone special has appeared. It did not matter to me how spiritual I was by then. That feeling won’t excuse you because you are a preacher. What do I mean by that? I mean that when you meet this person you somehow find yourself not knowing what to say or do. You panic, fumble and completely lose your cool. Has it ever happened to you?

You see, when you have a crush, your stress response rises automatically triggering the presence of cortisol, a stress hormone. When you see this person you feel attracted to, you can shiver, experience crazy heart-beats and feel the same way you would if a ferocious criminal pointed a gun at you. There is that adrenalin effect in the body of a lover. You feel the same anxiety that is felt by Botswana’s loved athlet, Nijel Amos when he is racing in a stadium towards athletic victory. There is that fear in all sports persons comparative to a lover’s anxiety. That’s why Nike says ‘‘just do it.’’ If you are a guy, you feel everytime you meet this person you want her so badly that you are in a break it or make it moment. You wonder what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Ladies feel extremely shy. But both prospective lovers can’t sleep peacefully at night. The woman in Songs of songs tells us what happens when one has a crush. She says ‘‘I sleep, but my heart is awake; It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, “Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one; For my head is covered with dew, My locks with the drops of the night.” (songs of Songs 5:2).That’s typical of having a crush. Don’t you remember that high school crush?: —Or the severe crush at the end of elementary school. Unfortunately very few relationships from our younger days ever amount to anything but hormones.

So,men have got more of the sex drive sponsoring testosterone hormone than women. This automatically makes men more sexually assertive than women. While a man is relatively always on, a woman needs to be turned on. That’s the part that most men don’t seem to get through their thick skull. But just because she is low on testosterone and responsive doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy sex. She does. Look, men are more like a sensory light. The sensory light detects movement and switches on automatically. Women on the other hand are like an electric stove. When you switch on an electric stove, it heats up gradually. When the cooking is over and you switch it off, the heat will gradually go off. That’s typical of a woman’s way of being aroused. Women view sex as largely emotional but men view sex as physical. That’s probably why that neighbor of mine said, ‘‘men are people who don’t attach much to sex, they can just fuck for the sake of fucking.’’ Now, I didn’t say that, she did... But then again, what turns on a man is different. He is looking at those curves, breasts, thighs and lips and can’t help but want you immediately. The more he sees you on those jeans, shoes and skirts, is the more interested he becomes. But you are not driven to sex him because of that chino trouser he is wearing. You feel horny because of the way he treated you today. His looks and body may count, but your sex driving edge borders around treatment. If only men understood this...the world would be a better place.

Stage 1

Now, what happens when people have sex? Many of us think love is a complicated word and that we can’t define it. Yes love is no simple word but sex it appears, is even more difficult to describe, especially as to how people feel when having sex and why. Some say they feel their mind goes blank. Others say it’s like a ride on virgin Atlantic. A blatantly honest guy says its like someone is hitting him with a hammer in the head and he is splitting into pieces. Is that so? This thing is strange. When people define love they don’t say such crazy things but with sex, the descriptions you get are as good as opening a can of worms. Okay, now, if you are a gentleman who doesn’t pounce on your lady without procedure, there should be foreplay at beginning of a sex act. But we are not there yet coz I have dedicated a whole chapter to foreplay. The first stage is the excitement stage. Am I right? During the excitement stage, the vagina becomes wet or lubricated some seconds, or minutes after proper foreplay has begun. The inner lips and the outer lips become bigger or ‘‘swell.’’ I think ‘‘swell’’ is the right word. The penis expands as blood fills its tissues and both lover’s nipples may harden. If we had a stethoscope, we could prove that by this time your heart rate has gone high. The heart is racing and the body is anticipating serious pleasure. Don’t let it down. I can’t imagine any crime bigger than frustrating a legit sexual expectation. Most men are not aware that the vagina swells, because we care very little about what happens to someone else. But be observant enough to notice such things if you are going to make love the natural and exceptional way. You want to leave a lasting memory and not a lasting regret. Remember, women have a better memory than men. She is not going to forget the things you are doing. You don’t want to have a bad reputation of doing it before foreplay or causing lips to swell and then disappointing the ‘‘swelled’’ vagina. That is bedroom blasphemy—straightout. These are the sins men commit and go scot-free coz the penal code says nothing about that. Nothing is as disappointing as sex with a man who raises the hopes of his woman’s body and neglects it.

You need to please your wife sexually and to do that you must concern yourself with ‘‘worldly’’ stuff. ‘‘He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord— how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife’’,(I Corinthians 7:32- 33 ).Traditional women who just sit there like a log and do nothing make it worse for men. Do everything in your power madam and sexually excite your man. If he should one day fall prey to another woman who knows what she is doing, he will not return. We have had many cases where a man left his woman and went for another and never returned despite our prayers and fasting. We just hope it was not a euphoric blow-job that kept him all this while. Don’t you think there might have been something about the other woman that captivated him? Now I don’t mean to offend you if you have been betrayed. Maybe yours is an exceptional case in which you were dealing with a hard to satisfy ‘‘dog.’’ But my point is this: Do you remember the story of Samson in the bible? He often got interested in Philistine women despite the trouble. There was something Samson felt around Delilah that captivated the way he thought of her. It might have been how she dressed, talked or maybe a good massage she often gave him. Godly women who preferred being Jewish over being sexy never really attracted Samson. Imagine how many times Samson faced death and yet kept on falling for gentile women. Oh, boy...there must have been something... Okay lets go on... Stage one is over when the penis is erect and the vagina is wet and has swelled, what’s next?