Юнас Юнассон - The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man

She showered, changed clothes, spiffed herself up, and at last stood ready in front of the hall mirror. She looked at herself and said, ‘What am I doing here?’

Her mirror image gazed back but didn’t respond.

Kim Jong-un asked his guests to have a seat at the dining table as he remained standing at one end, his hands on the back of his chair. He appeared to have something to say.

Two of the waiting staff came through the doors, their arms full of plates, and a third walked in with two bottles of wine. But all three immediately turned back after a glance from the Supreme Leader.

Allan watched the food and drink come and go in the span of one second and was disappointed.

‘Friends,’ Kim Jong-un began.

‘Could we perhaps talk while we eat?’ Allan suggested.

The Supreme Leader pretended not to hear this comment. He launched into a speech about peace and freedom.

‘Peace’ seemed to involve supplying his country with ever more deadly weapons. What constituted ‘freedom’ was not quite as clear. Except possibly that every single citizen had the right to love their leader, combined with the duty to avoid not doing so.

With that, the Supreme Leader expressed his contentment that Providence had supplied him with Mr Karlsson, who had come all the way from Switzerland to contribute to the fight against American imperialism. And that UN Envoy Wallström had joined in for similar reasons.

‘Well,’ said Margot Wallström, ‘as Mr Kim is aware, my task is rather to try to open up lines of dialogue between different people, to begin talking to each other, like we’re doing now, instead of putting on performances here and there, like the one that took place in front of the TV cameras earlier today. I have already expressed my displeasure with that, have I not?’

She’s not only delightful, she’s brave too, Julius thought. Now, if only Allan remains calm…

Kim Jong-un looked at the UN envoy without listening to what she said. And went on with his speech.

He started on how happy everyone was in the Democratic People’s Republic, how well the crops were growing, and how much nicer the weather was in the northern half of the peninsula than in the south. Altogether, it was no wonder tens of thousands of Koreans fled from south to north each year.

Food and drink were turned away at the door once again, causing Allan to lose patience. On occasion it could be a wise strategy to hold one’s tongue or express agreement, but right now it was time to say something before they all starved to death.

Julius sensed what Allan was about to do and desperately tried to make eye contact so he could say, using his hands and face, ‘No, Allan, don’t do it!’

But do it he did.

‘Forgive me, Mr Supreme Leader. My name was mentioned not far into your speech about a bit of everything. And here I am. Old and frail, but ever at your service. However, I suspect I will be of far too little use if I’m dead, and I’m about to starve to death. Is there any way what you have to say can be wrapped up a bit more speedily than you had perhaps intended?’

Kim Jong-un’s proud smile went chilly. ‘You will soon be allowed to eat, Mr Karlsson. But your presumed cleverness about nuclear technology doesn’t give you the right to express yourself as you wish, here in the People’s Palace.’

Oh, so he was in that sort of mood.

‘I certainly didn’t mean any offence, O Supreme One, but it’s possible that in addition to all the rest I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. You see, my friend the asparagus farmer here has trouble being as quiet as he ought to be at night.’

Kim Jong-un didn’t follow. ‘What do you mean?’

‘He doesn’t mean anything—’ Julius attempted.

‘I mean he snores,’ said Allan. ‘Oh, how he snores. If the Supreme One had any idea at all how much he snores! The boat that picked us up was the size of an entire warehouse, but not big enough that we didn’t have to share a cabin, and, well, there hasn’t been as much sleeping as there ought to have been. But what were we talking about, again? Oh, that’s right, food. And perhaps a drink alongside. Might it be on its way, perchance?’

With that, Kim Jong-un’s train of thought was sufficiently derailed. When the staff dared to stick their noses out of the kitchen again, he gave the green light.

They were served entrecôte with mushroom sauce. Not particularly Asian, but it appealed to the guests and was washed down with an Australian cabernet sauvignon.

Spirits rose around the table. Allan decided to tolerate the Supreme Leader’s talk of this and that for a little longer. But when the Supreme One claimed the nation had detonated a hydrogen bomb the year before, Allan had to protest. He’d read about that on his tablet, and the truth was that the so-called hydrogen bomb had hardly made a bang.

‘The fact that you’re transporting four measly kilos of uranium in a boat that could bring thirty thousand tons all the way from God-knows-where to Pyongyang is enough proof for me that, one, you aren’t anywhere near having a hydrogen bomb, two, you hardly even know the first thing about plutonium, and three, your total stores of uranium fit into a briefcase. In short, you have nothing to use, except those four kilos. And, as luck would have it, me. And I have nothing left in my glass.’

Kim Jong-un waved over a waiter. The impudence of the Swiss man was really too much. Well, there were two options: either he would turn out to be useful, in which case there was no reason to send him home to Europe. Or he wouldn’t, and then he would be sent nowhere but to his eternal rest. In either case he would come to regret his lack of respect.

The Supreme Leader decided to continue being amiable and generous. ‘You are outspoken, Mr Karlsson, I must say. And I suppose you have every right to be, given your age. Although your primary reason for being here is to work, I’d be happy to make sure you do some sightseeing in our beautiful capital city. What do you say we arrange a visit to the city’s most exclusive shopping centre after work tomorrow? Unfortunately I won’t be able to join you, but I’m sure you’ll manage with the guide I’ll put at your disposal.’

By ‘most exclusive shopping centre’, the Supreme Leader meant the city’s only shopping centre.

Visiting department stores? That was more than Allan needed. But it seemed like a good idea to play along, so Julius could stop looking so tormented. ‘That’s a kind thought,’ he said. ‘Sounds relaxing in every way, after a long day in the laboratory. I don’t suppose we could borrow a coin or two? In all our haste we didn’t bring anything with us but a few bottles of champagne, and unfortunately those are gone.’

Kim Jong-un said that Karlsson and his friend shouldn’t worry about the cost. If they found a souvenir or two to take home, they should consider it a gift.

When it came to the peace project, Karlsson could have six days in the lab. Time limits tended to promote creativity. Upon proven results, the Supreme One promised both a medal of valour and a first-class ticket home to Switzerland.

Julius still didn’t dare to say anything, not after the failed attempt in the Supreme Leader’s office.

Allan, however, was beyond daring. ‘A lot can be accomplished in six days. If only I manage to stay alive… I’ve been frail for a pretty long time. The last thirty or forty years, really. I suppose I’m singing my last refrain, as they say. Of course, Noah lived to be nine hundred and fifty. The difference is that I’m real.’

‘Who?’ said Kim Jong-un.

‘Noah. From the Bible. Exciting literature. Oh, but wait, what am I saying? I suppose you haven’t read it, because you would have had to execute yourself, if I’ve understood your laws correctly.’