Richard Hooker - MASH - A Novel About Three Army Doctors

“If I were you, I’d search the waterfront,” suggested Trap­per. “He might be looking for mermaids.”

“How about you fellows helping out? You said he meant everything to you. I should think you’d help me find him before he harms himself or someone else.”

“If he’s all that crazy, the hell with him,” said Trapper. “Yeah,” the Duke said. “We got appointments with the epileptic whore anyway.”

“I’m tired of hearing about the epileptic whore,” stated the Major. “What’s it all about anyhow?”

“Epileptic whore hava yes, Major,” smiled Mrs. Lee. “Velly clean, school teacher. Finest Kind.”

Major Haskell perked his ears at the last expression, but before he could draw any conclusions Trapper started talking.

“Major,” he said, “a guy in your business really should take a crack at this broad out of professional interest. It’s an opportunity that’s unlikely to come your way again. You could make a name for yourself writing papers about her.”

The Major sat down, ordered a drink and excused the M.P.’s. “You may have a point, gentlemen. Can you fix me up? It should be quite an interesting case.”

“The fastest ride in the Far East Command,” Trapper assured him.

“And y’all may have my reservation,” Duke told him. “I was on for three o’clock, but I can see that it’ll mean more to you all.”

“That’s very kind of you, Captain,” replied Major Haskell.

They had a few more drinks, ate an extended lunch, and at 3:00 p.m. Major Haskell went to keep his appointment.

“Good luck,” said Trapper. “Don’t break your stem.”

“Y’all watch out when she sunfishes,” warned Duke.

Within fifteen minutes the Major, looking somewhat pale and drawn, reappeared and nervously ordered a double Scotch.

“That was quick,” said Duke. “Major, y’all must be one of them short-time skivvy boys.”

The Major did not reply.

“Come on, Major,” urged Trapper, “how was it?”

“I don’t think it’s epilepsy. I think it’s a purely hysterical convulsion,” replied the Major.

“Yeah, but how was it?” insisted Duke.

“Tremendous,” said the Major and departed.

For the next two days, business at Mrs. Lee’s was big. The epileptic whore was in popular demand. The Swampmen hung around, observed with interest, interviewed many of the survivors, but did not avail themselves of her services.

On the second day, Hawkeye asked, “When are you guys gonna try her?”

“Maybe tomorrow,” answered Trapper.

“What’s the hurry?” asked Duke. “When y’all gonna try her yourself?”

“Never,” said Hawkeye. “I’m a man of simple needs, which have already been adequately fulfilled for the time being.”

On the third day Colonel Henry Blake, returning to his duties as C.O. of the 4077th MASH, stopped at the 325th Evac, called his outfit and requested transportation. He spoke to Colonel DeLong, who told him that the Swampmen were undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the 325th Evac.

Henry laughed with delight, but to himself. He sought out Major Haskell, who told him that McIntyre and Forrest were at Mrs. Lee’s but that Pierce had dropped from sight.

“Don’t worry, Major, they’re all at Mrs. Lee’s. I’ll go over there. When my driver comes would you be kind enough to send him to pick us up?”

“I’m sorry, Colonel, but even if Pierce can be found, I couldn’t possibly allow him to return to duty. I’m sure, when you see him, you’ll agree with me.”

“Pierce isn’t any crazier now than he’s ever been,” Henry assured him. “Don’t let him worry you, Major.”

“I’ll come with you if I may,” said Haskell.

They found the Swampmen in Mrs. Lee’s bar.

“Hiya, Henry. How they goin’?” asked Hawkeye. “I bet you got plenty in Tokyo, didn’t you?”

“Shut up, Pierce. What’s this all about?”

“I went ape,” said Hawkeye, nodding to Major Haskell. “Ask him.”

“I think you’d better come with me, Pierce,” said Major Haskell.

Trapper joined in. “Henry doesn’t believe you, Hawk. Say something in schizophrenic.”

“My father was the keeper of the Eddy stone light. He slept with a mermaid one fine night. Out of that union there came three—a porpoise and a porgy, and the other was me,” replied Hawkeye.

“See what we mean?” said Duke.

Colonel Blake turned to Major Haskell. “I’ll be responsible for him. Believe me, you’ve been had. Consider yourself lucky. I’ve been putting up with this kind of crap for months. You’re only had a couple of hours of it.”

Hawkeye summoned Mrs. Lee and whispered in her ear. Mrs. Lee asked to see the Colonel in private and led him upstairs to a certain room as Hawkeye ordered drinks for all and spoke to Major Haskell: “I hate to disappoint you, Dad, but I’m not quite as foolish as I led you to believe. I’m going back to the MASH with the rest of them as soon as Henry has enjoyed the Fastest Ride in the Far East Command. Have a drink with me, and let there be no moaning at the bar ere we leave Mrs. Lee.”

“OK,” said Haskell, “but I still don’t think you’re normal.”

“I ain’t. Normal people go crazy in this place.”

While they were all on their second round of drinks, Colonel Blake returned.

“Well?” said Trapper John.

“’Beware the Jabberwock, my son!’” said Colonel Blake, addressing Major Haskell, and then: “’The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!’”

“Major,” Hawkeye said to Haskell, “this looks like some­thing right down your alley.”

“Yeah, Major,” the Duke said, “y’all been educated to handle this kinda thing, and we gotta get out of here.”

With the end of summer, the baseball that the Swampmen had tossed and batted around occasionally to get some exer­cise and kill some time, took on air and a new shape. It became a football and an object of pursuit as, in their idle moments, they passed and kicked it back and forth and ran one another from one end of the ball field to the other to cries of: “How to go!”—“Nice grab!”—“Hawk, this time I’ll fake to the Duke and you fake the block on the tackle and I’ll hit you with it over the middle.”—“Way to go!”—“Way to throw! Who ever heard of Sammy Baugh?”

“You know what we ought to do?” Hawkeye said, as they came puffing back into The Swamp one afternoon.

“Have a drink,” the Duke said.

“No,” Hawkeye said. “We oughta get us up a football team.”

“And play who?” Duke said.

“The Chicago Bears,” Trapper said. “It’d be a way to get home.”

“No, thanks,” Duke said. “I’d rather get killed over here.”

“Listen, you guys,” Hawkeye said. “I’m serious. We’re all starting to get stirry again. We need something to do. There’s that big guy named Vollmer over in Supply played center for Nebraska. Jeeter was a second string halfback at Okla­homa …”

“God help us,” Trapper said.

“There’s Pete Rizzo.”

“He was a Three-I infielder,” Duke said.

“But he played football in high school.”

“But who do we play?” Duke said.

“Hot-Lips Houlihan’s Green Bay Pachyderms,” Trapper Said.

“I want Knocko McCarthy on our side,” the Duke said.

“Now, wait a minute,” Hawkeye said. “I’m serious. They’ve got some kind of a league over here. The 325th Evac in Yong-Dong-Po claim they’re champions because last year they beat two other teams. I know where we can get a real ringer, and if we can beat them we can clean up on some bets.”

“You’re nuts,” Trapper said.