Dave Barry - Big trouble

"Pick up the suitcase," said Snake.

Slowly, Puggy stood up. His nose had bled a streak down the side of his cheek. He picked up the suitcase with one hand and stood holding it.

Snake turned to Leo. "You," he said. "Get back around here and go sit next to your friend."

Warily, Leo came around the bar. As he passed Snake, Snake slugged him on the back of the head with the barrel of the gun. Snake thought this would cause him to collapse to the ground, unconscious, because that's what always happened to people on TV when they got slugged on the head with guns. Instead, the gun went off, shooting a bullet into the ceiling, and Leo lurched forward, clasping his hand to his head and going "OW!"

Snake, trying to act as though this was exactly what he had wanted to happen, said, "That'll teach you to hit people with bats. Now siddown with your friend there."

Leo sat on the floor next to John.

Snake, in his most menacing voice, told them, "If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, next bullet goes through your head."

This threat did not make logical sense, but John and Leo chose not to point this out.

Eddie shuffled over and put his head close to Snake's so that they could have a confidential conference, panty hose to panty hose. Eddie whispered, "Where the./wc/t're we goin'?"

"That guy's house," whispered Snake, indicating Arthur.

"Why the fuck we doin' that?" whispered Eddie.

"Because," said Snake, "this here is a drug kingpin, and we got 'im by the balls, and he has some-thin' good in that suitcase, which we are gonna find out what it is, and I bet he got a lot more good stuff at his house." Snake knew, from Miami Vice, that drug kingpins lived in big, modern houses with stashes of valuable drugs and cash money. Also fine-looking women who were attracted to powerful lawless men with guns.

"Snake," whispered Eddie, "we got the guy's wallet, we got the other guy's eighteen dollars. Let's just get the fuck out of here."

"No way, man," hissed Snake. "This is our chance. We're not gonna blow this. And you are not gonna punk out on me now."

"Oh, man," said Eddie, shaking his head, so that his panty hose legs flopped back and forth.

Snake grabbed the door handle and pulled the door open. He pointed the gun at Puggy and Arthur.

"Move," he said.

Arthur said, "Listen, you don't want me, you want these guys here, they're Russians and they have ten th…»

Arthur flinched backward violently as Snake stepped toward him, raising the gun.

"I tole you to shut up, asshole," said Snake. You had to be tough with these kingpins; it was the only way they'd respect you. "OK, let's go now."

And so they exited the Jolly Jackal — first Arthur, limping on the toe that Puggy had dropped the bomb on; then Puggy, lugging the suitcase; then Snake, holding the gun; then Eddie, still wagging his sad rabbit ears.

After the door closed behind them, there was a moment of silence in the Jolly Jackal. Finally, John, sittig on the floor next to the briefcase containing ten thousand dollars in cash, said to Leo, " Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu? "

This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War?"

Eliot was on his sofa watching a rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and eating Cheez-Its from the box when the phone rang. "Hello?" he said.

"Hey," said Anna, "it's Anna. Are you busy?"

"As a matter of fact," said Eliot, "I'm working on a six-figure ad campaign for a very important client."

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry," said Anna, "I'll… "

"Not really," said Eliot. "I'm watching a rerun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and eating Cheez-Its from the box."

"Wow. I've heard about you swinging bachelors."

"And that's not all. After Buffy, I'm gonna log on to America Online and see if I received any email from total strangers wanting to make me rich or send me pictures of themselves naked."

"Well, I won't keep you…»

"No! Keep me! Keep me!"

"Well, I wanted to say, first, thanks again for lunch."

"Hey, any time. In fact, right now! You wanna get lunch again right now?"

Anna laughed. "I'd love to, but right now I'm trying to be a good mother, which is the other reason I called. I'm trying to track down Jenny. She was meeting your son at Coco Walk for that stupid Killer game, and she was gonna call me and let me know when to pick her up, but I haven't heard from her, and I was wondering if Matt called you."

"Of course not. Matt only calls when he needs the car. Which he did earlier tonight, to go kill Jenny. He's supposed to be back" — Eliot looked at his watch — "any minute now."

"Well, could you let me know when you hear from him?"

"Sure," said Eliot. He was thrilled to have an excuse to call her.

"I hate to be a hovering mother," said Anna, "but I'm a little worried, what with the stuff that's happened lately. Jenny's usually good about calling."

"Well," said Eliot, "it's a mother's job to hover. But I'm sure the kids're OK. I mean, they're at Coco Walk, there's lots of people around. How much trouble can they get into?"

"JESUSJESUSJESUS…»

Jenny panted her prayer as Matt, stumbling in the darkness of the vacant lot, pulled her by the arm through the weeds, away from the sound of the popping gun. They came to a sidewalk along a narrow back street. Matt stopped and looked back.

"Where's Andrew?" he said.

"I don't know," said Jenny. "Oh God, what if they shot him?"

"Jesus," said Matt. "Maybe we should go back."

"Matt," said Jenny, "there's a guy back there shooting. With a gun. We need to call the cops."

A car was coming toward them. Matt jumped into the street and waved his arms over his head.

"Stop!" he yelled at the driver. "Hey, please STOP!"

The driver did what most Miami residents would do when confronted with a shouting person in the middle of the road: honked and accelerated. Matt leaped aside as the car brushed past. He landed back on the sidewalk on his hands and knees.

"Thanks," he said to the receding car.

"Are you OK?" asked Jenny.

"Yeah," said Matt, getting up. "Listen, let's go to my car. I parked right up there on Tiger Tail, and if we don't see a phone on the way, we can drive to one."

"OK, as long as we get out of here," said Jenny, looking back toward the parking lot.

They half ran, half jogged the three blocks to the Kia, not passing any phones. As they got into the car, Matt said, "Do you know where the police station is around here?"

Jenny said, "Could we just go to my house? My mom'll be worried by now, and we can call the police from there." Jenny wanted her mom.

"OK," said Matt. "We gotta call Andrew's mom, too." He started the engine.

I want your sex pootie!

I want your sex pootie!

"Sorry," said Matt, stabbing the stereo power button. He put the Kia into drive, and the two teenagers set off toward Jenny's house, both of them shaken, both of them looking forward to turning this scary situation over to responsible grown-ups.

In the rental car outside the entrance to the Jolly Jackal, Henry and Leonard were waiting for the armed robbery, which they viewed as none of their business, to be completed, so they could continue tailing Arthur Herk. Leonard was attempting to tell Henry a joke about a lady being examined by a doctor with a thick Japanese accent.

"… so the doctor says to the lady, 'Rady, I see your probrem. And the lady says, 'What is it, doctor? And the doctor says, 'You have Ed Zachary disease. And the lady says, 'Oh no! Ed Zachary disease! Is that serious? And the doctor says, 'Oh yes, Ed Zachary disease very serious. And the lady says, 'What does it mean? And the doctor says, 'It mean your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass. »

Henry sighed.

"Get it?" said Leonard. "Your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass! Whoo. Who thinks this shit up?"