Dave Barry - Big trouble

Leo, keeping his hands up and his eyes on the gun, backed around the bar and over to the cash register. Keeping his left hand in the air, he pressed a touch-pad on the register. The cash drawer slid open.

"OK," said Snake, elbowing Eddie. "Go get it."

Eddie, holding his hands out in front of him like Boris Karloff in The Mummy, inched forward until he felt the bar. He then began to feel his way along it.

"Jesus CHRIST, will you hurry UP?" said Snake.

"Next time, I hold the gun," said Eddie. With his right hand, he pulled the waistband of the panty hose away from the bottom of his face, so he could see the floor right in front of him. He shuffled around the end of the bar and over to the cash register. He looked in the cash drawer.

"I'll be goddamn," he said.

"Get the big bills first," said Snake.

"Which big bill?" said Eddie. "The one? Or the other one?"

"What the fuck are you talkin' about?" asked Snake.

"I'm talkin' about, there's two bills in here, and they're both ones."

"There's gotta be more," said Snake.

"Oh yeah, there's more," said Eddie. "There's, looks like, prolly a buck fifty in change in here."

Snake pondered this.

"You want me to put it all in the sack?" asked Eddie, holding up the Winn-Dixie grocery bag.

Snake pointed the gun at Leo and said, "Where's the money?"

Leo shrugged. "Business very bad," he said, pronouncing it "wary bod."

"You got the money somewhere," said Snake. "You wanna get shot?"

"No," said Leo.

"You don't gimme the money," said Snake, "you're gonna get shot."

On the TV screen, the greasy-haired man had yanked down the front of one of the lip-fuzzed women's tank tops, exposing a pair of massive flopping breasts. The nipples were electronically blotted out, in accordance with the rules of network-TV decency.

From the floor, John said, "I have money."

Snake looked at him. "Where?" he asked.

"Wallet," said John. "In my pants. I give to you."

Snake pointed the gun straight at John's head. He said, "It better be a wallet you pull outta them pants."

John, moving slowly, put his right hand in his pants pocket, pulled out a cheap cloth wallet, and tossed it across the floor to Snake. Snake picked it up with his non-gun hand and counted the contents with his thumb. This did not take long, because the wallet contained one ten, one five and three singles.

"Eighteen fucking dollars?" he said. "What kinda bar is this?"

"Business very bad," repeated Leo.

"Is bad location," pointed out John.

"You want the sack to hold the eighteen dollars?" asked Eddie.

"You don't shut up," said Snake, "I'm gonna shoot you."

Snake pondered some more. He figured there was something going on here… these four guys all standing by the door… he just couldn't figure out what. He looked at the guys more carefully. His gaze rested on Arthur. He noticed that Arthur was wearing nice clothes and a gold watch.

"You," said Snake, gesturing at Arthur with the gun. "Gimme your watch."

Arthur took off his watch and tossed it to Snake, who caught it and held it up to his panty hose for a closer look. It looked like real gold. Snake perked up.

"Now gimme your wallet," said.

Arthur extracted his wallet from his back pocket and tossed it to Snake, who thumbed it open and saw a wad of twenties. Stuffing the wallet in his pocket, he looked at Arthur. Snake was putting the clues together… a guy in nice clothes, with a wad of cash, in a shithole like this… no question about it, this guy was a drug dealer. Maybe even a kingpin. Which meant that…

"What's in there?" he asked Arthur, pointing to the suitcase.

"A bomb," said Arthur.

"Yeah, right," said Snake.

"Really!" said Arthur, who had been a world-class snitch in junior high. "It's a bomb! These guys are Russians, and they sell bombs!"

Snake looked at John. John rolled his eyes to indicate what a ridiculous idea this was.

"Bombs," he said, snorting. "Pff!! No bombs! Is bar."

"Is bar," agreed Leo.

Snake looked at the suitcase. On the TV, Jerry Springer was saying that, in a relationship, people need to compromise.

"Eddie," said Snake. "Open the suitcase."

"Dammit, Snake," said Eddie, "you said my name!"

"Well, you just said my name, you moron," said Snake.

"Snake ain't a name," said Eddie. "Snake is a nickname."

"Before we criticize others," Jerry Springer was saying, "we need to take a look in the mirror at…»

Snake shot Jerry Springer, who disappeared in a violent implosion of glass shards. Everybody, Snake included, flinched at the gunshot; Arthur made a whimpering sound. It was Snake's first real effort to shoot anything, and he was pretty surprised to have hit the target, which was now a smoking hole in the plastic TV cabinet. It made him feel good; he took it as an indication that he was well suited to this new line of work.

"Now," said Snake to Eddie, "open the damn suitcase."

Muttering, Eddie pulled the panty hose waist off of the lower part of his face and shuffled back around the bar to the suitcase, which was lying on its side. He fumbled with the latches and finally got them unfastened. With his hand on the lid, he looked up at Snake.

"What if it is a bomb?" he asked.

"Open it," said Snake.

Gingerly, Eddie opened the lid and looked inside.

"What is it?" said Snake.

"Beats the shit outta me," said Eddie. "It ain't money, tell you that."

Snake stepped closer and looked at the contents of the suitcase. He couldn't tell what it was, either. It looked kind of like a garbage disposal. But he knew it had to be something important. That much he knew. Maybe it was some kind of drug container. Or maybe emeralds were in there; somebody told Snake once that drug kingpins always had emeralds. Whatever it was, Snake saw this as an opportunity, after a lifetime of being a low-life scum, to show some initiative, to do something with his sorry self, to move up the ladder to the level of big-time scum. But how should he handle it? He knew he needed to think, and think hard. He aimed the gun at Leo, behind the bar.

"Gimme a drink," he said.

Leo poured a vodka and set it on the bar. Snake picked it up and attempted to slug it down, but, because he was wearing panty hose on his head, much of it dribbled down the front of his T-shirt. On the floor, John snorted. Snake whirled and pointed the gun at him.

"You think that's funny?" he said.

"No," said John.

"All right," said Snake. "Here's what we're gonna do. You got a car?" He was looking at Arthur.

Arthur nodded.

"Outside here?"

Arthur nodded again.

"Gimme your car keys."

Arthur tossed Snake the keys.

"OK," said Snake. "Eddie, I want you…»

"Stop sayin' my name!" said Eddie.

"OK, whoever you are, latch up the suitcase." said Snake, "We're goin' for a ride. You're goin' with us." He pointed the gun at Arthur.

"You don't want me!" said Arthur. "You want these other guys! They're Russians! They sell missiles! There's ten thousand dollars in that briefcase there!"

"Yeah, right," said Snake. These drug kingpins would try to tell you anything.

"No!" said Arthur. "I'm telling you, there's ten thou — "

"Shut up, asshole," said Snake, aiming the gun at Arthur.

Arthur shut up.

"OK, Ed… you," said Snake. "Pick up the suitcase."

Eddie grabbed the handle and heaved. The suitcase barely moved.

"It's too heavy," said Eddie.

"Do I gotta do everything?" asked Snake. He stepped over and yanked on the suitcase handle and damn that thing was heavy. Snake pondered for a moment, then remembered who was carrying the suitcase when he came in.

He kicked Puggy, who was still curled fetally on the floor, hoping to be forgotten.