Richard Gordon: DOCTOR AT SEA

'Well try, man, try. If I can't think of…'

I was cut short by a crash outside my cabin, a loud scream, confused shouting, the clatter of running feet.

'What the hell's happened now?' I exclaimed.

My door flew open. Hornbeam was outside. He was grinning like a tooth-paste advertisement.

'Quick, Doc!' he said. 'Father's fallen twenty feet down number three hatch!'

I ran on to the deck. There was a crowd round the edge of the hatch, hurriedly letting down a rope-ladder. I pushed my way through and climbed over the coaming. In a few seconds I found Captain Hogg had solved all our problems for us by fracturing his right femur in three places.

Easter and I strung up Captain Hogg in splints on his bunk. He was a heavy man, and still not a remarkably co-operative patient. It took us a couple of hours, and we were sweating when we had finished.

'I'll have that Bos'n logged,' he muttered, as we arranged the pillows under his head. 'Leaving the covers loose like that…I'll have the Mate logged, too.'

Now keep quiet,' I commanded. 'I forbid you to talk or move.'

'I will talk as much as I damn well like.'

'I give the orders now. I'm the doctor.'

'Well, I'm the Captain.'

'Easter,' I said. 'Just tighten up that splint a bit more, will you?'

'Ouch!' said Captain Hogg.

'Now,' I continued. 'If you will just stay quiet for a moment I can complete my examination. If you don't I shall have to consider putting you on a milk diet. Tinned milk, naturally.'

I pulled out my torch and shone it in his eyes.

'Ah, yes,' I said, in my most menacing professional tone. 'As I thought. Just take this down, Easter. Pupils do not react to light…loss of sensation to pinprick over the nose…abdominal reflexes absent…A classical picture! We will have to put you ashore tomorrow in the Canaries, of course.'

'You will not. I am not leaving my own ship for you or anybody.'

'Damn it, man! Use your sense. This leg has to be set properly. I can't do it here. It needs X-rays and so forth. You will have to go into hospital with it. I hear they have some excellent surgeons in Teneriffe.'

'I will not go, Doctor.'

'If we cable the Company and they say so, you'll have to go.'

'There is no reason why you should cable them. I am still fit to keep my command.'

'It's a bit late to think of that now. The message has already gone.'

'Gone!' He jerked his head from the pillow. 'No messages are allowed to leave the ship without my permission.'

'Really, you are a most difficult patient,' I said gently. 'I will leave Easter to read to you. You will find plenty of literature in the corner, Easter.'

'What, these here?' Easter asked, picking up one of the Captain's library. 'Cor! Looks like a bit of all right, eh?' He settled himself comfortably by the sick-bed. 'Right, sir,' he began. 'I will start with "I was a White Slave. True Confessions of a French Girl Kidnapped from a Convent and Sent to the Infamous Kasbah of Algiers." Cor,' he added to the Captain, 'I know Algiers all right. Funny thing happened to me last time I was there. I'd gone ashore with the Cook, see, and we was looking for a bit of fun, as you might say…'

I left them, feeling I had inflicted on Captain Hogg sufficient misfortune for the evening.

Hornbeam was sitting in his cabin writing up the log-book.

'Hello, Doc,' he said cheerfully. 'How's the patient, God rot his soul?'

'As well as can be expected, I'm afraid.'

'I'm just putting it in the log. You'll have to sign down here.'

'When will we get to Teneriffe?' I asked.

'About midday. We should be tied up alongside by one.'

'We've got to put Father ashore, you know. I can't treat a fracture properly at sea. The trouble is he won't shift. He says he won't go without instructions from the Company.'

Hornbeam tossed a cable across to me.

'Sparky just brought that down,' he said. 'Take a look at it.'

I unfolded the paper. It was from the Fathom Line head office.

TO CHIEF OFFICER SS. LOTUS, it said. PLACE CAPTAIN ASHORE TENERIFFE IF DOCTOR SO ADVISES AND BRING VESSEL HOME UNDER YOUR COMMAND STOP PREPARE TAKE COMMAND IMMEDIATELY ON ARRIVAL UK SS. PRIMROSE OWING RESIGNATION CAPTAIN BARSETT.

'Well, Doc,' he said smiling. 'Do you advise?'

'Do I advise! Yes, sir! Yes, indeed!' I grabbed his hand. 'Yes, Captain Hornbeam!'

The next day we arrived off the rocky, volcanic Canaries, sailed under the lee of the islands and shortly after noon slipped into the tidy, clean harbour of Teneriffe. Archer and Trail took the bow and stern, tugs flying smoky red-and-yellow Spanish flags turned us round to face the sea, and we tied to the jetty between a smart Blue Star boat outward bound for Rio and a disconnected-looking craft flying the flag of Panama which had cows on the deck.

At first Captain Hogg refused to be moved. We showed him the cablegram but he accused us of forgery. So I filled him up with morphine and sent him to sleep.

He was carried out on the shoulders of the sailors, like Nelson's bier, arranged in a derrick sling, and unloaded by the steam winches between two bales of cowhide.

'You'll find the full history in the letter,' I said, handing the case report to the smiling, handsome Spanish doctor with the ambulance. 'The British Consul's fixed everything else up.'

The doctor shook hands, the ambulance doors swung shut, and Captain Vincent Hogg drove out of my life.

'Get rid of him all right?' Easter asked, as I reached the top of the gangway.

'It seems so. I don't think he'll have much chance to throw his weight about in a Spanish hospital. Especially after that letter I sent with him.'

'Wouldn't mind going ashore here for a spell myself,' Easter said meditatively. 'I've had some fun here, I have. I remember when I was on the South Africa run, the barber and me went…'

'All right, Easter. Later will do.'

'They got some lovely girls here,' Easter continued. 'Prettiest in the world, I reckon. Look at that one down there. See? They got the same as our girls at home, but they carry it around better.' He pointed to a slim, dark girl, stepping along the quay with a grace that is unhappily forgotten on cold English parks and pavements.

'Ho, they got some smashing bits here!' Easter said enthusiastically. 'Mind you, you've got to be careful. Do you want a tablecloth?'

'A tablecloth? What should I want a tablecloth for?'

'This is the place to buy them.' He pointed over the side, where the wide pipes ran towards the ship in a pool of black fuel oil. An informal market had been set up on the quay, offering thick brocaded tablecloths, scarves with vivid bullfights on them, canaries in cages, metal ornaments, and dolls four feet high.

'Them dolls is all right,' Easter advised me. 'I used to buy a lot of them at one time.'

'I'm pleased to hear you think of the children, Easter.'

'Ho, crikey no! I used to buy 'em here and flog 'em in Pernambuco. Good business, that was. Canaries, too. Make a good few bob on canaries, you could. Unless the little bastards went and died on you. Or you got gyped. Some of 'em's sparrows fed on quinine.'

'Well, I ought to buy a few presents, I suppose. But I haven't got much in the way of money.'

'They takes all kinds of junk here. Old clothes-a pair o' boots, worn out, if you've got 'em. Fags mostly. Get anything for a few hundred Woods.'

I exchanged five hundred ship's Woodbines for two scarves, a small bracelet, and a decorated picture of General Franco. I supposed I had better make a return with some of the assets of a seafarer.

We stayed eight hours in Teneriffe; then we set off under Hornbeam's command, our next stop England.

The removal of Captain Hogg from the ship had the effect of dissolving a chronic state of anxiety. All hands walked about cheerfully, did their work amiably, and set to it with twice the effort.