Tim Allen - Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

Feminism has grown a lot since then. Most women don't think men should be exterminated. They'd be satisfied if we agreed to submit our brains to a good housecleaning-and if we'd hire an undocumented alien to do it, and remember to pay her social security taxes.

I've always wanted to understand feminism, so I tackled a regimen of intense research into the subject. Eventually, I earned a Ph.D. in Advanced Women's Studies, by correspondence course. All it took was one of my days off after the TV season wrapped, before I went on the road, wrote this book, and made a movie. I now realize that feminism describes an ideology with an ongoing agenda to support women's self‑image, to create equality in the workplace, and to provide more choice in all areas of life. In short, as former NOW Chairwoman Patricia Ireland has said, feminism's goal is to promote the recognition of this simple fact: Women are people, too.

Unfortunately, there is no related expression or ethos-no opposite of feminism-to bind men together. Hmmm. Some would say that men don't need that sort of thing because we already own everything. We run everything. We have the best jobs. We get to do whatever we want, whenever we want. We don't need a philosophy for being on top. Men are pigs. R‑R‑R. Well, bullshit. I think a lot of men don't enjoy, take advantage of, or even recognize their alleged superiority.

Nonetheless, I thought men should have a credo, so I checked around. I read all the great social philosophers. I hung out in leather bars. I looked in the dictionary for a term that might define us. The only word that came close was "philanthropist," which means "love or benevolence toward mankind, in general." Of course, that definition has been obsolete since women joined mankind about thirty years ago, with the advent of feminism. Still, the definition includes the idea that a philanthropist is someone who makes an "effort to promote the happiness or social elevation of mankind, by making donations." This can get pretty confusing. A philanthropist is a lover of man, but a feminist isn't a lover of women. That's a "philanderer," which conveniently comes right before philanthropy in the dictionary. A philanderer is someone who "makes love without serious intentions."

I don't know anything about that-or putting underwear on my head. A good friend was helping me search dictionaries for answers, and finally he said, "Clearly, you've discovered an epistemological void." I didn't even want to look up that word. I was afraid it might have something to do with men's bathrooms or something I should see my doctor about.

I've taken enough abuse without having to look stupid, too.

Finally, after lots of deep, hard thinking in the only place a man can get a little peace of mind, I realized I had no choice but to coin my own term so that men didn't feel left out.

I call it "masculinism."

Feminism celebrates female traits. Masculinism celebrates male traits. They collide to create the volatility of life. The Sturm and Drang. The exquisite passions. The troublesome tensions. The family fights about who takes out the garbage and who drives the garbage truck.

The differences are so much more vast that bookstores are stocked with volumes lamenting the sorry state of intersexual relations, because men and women just don't understand each another. Writer after writer has tried to explain this state of affairs, and the illicit affairs that result. Writer after writer churns out books knowing the female market for self‑help is seemingly bottomless.

I'm tired of waiting for the compleat man‑woman dictionary. I guess I'll have to do that myself.

To some, the distinctions between the sexes-their attitudes, sexual styles, communication skills, and personal hygiene habitsare unsolvable conundrums, destining men and women to be forever at odds.

Sounds about right.

Masculinism and feminism embody those differences. We hate them, we love them, we can't do much about them. So we might as well enjoy them.

After all, they're pretty darn entertaining.

- -

Men are pigs. We all know it. And the odd thing is that men don't seem to mind it when I say so. There's not much you can call a guy that gets him upset. At least not after we've endured the way men have been portrayed on TV sitcoms for over forty years. Television berates us and we take it. We're thought of as dumb slugs. Idiots. This is troubling since for a long time men also wrote, produced, and directed most television. Maybe we were feeling guilty.

But I don't think so. When I call men pigs, they go, "Yeah, we are!" We just don't speak up when the tube is putting us down. Instead, we use it as an excuse for even more odd behavior. So sue me.

Culture-okay, women-can demean men all they like, but just ask yourself who built the computer I'm writing this book on?

This question supports a prime masculinist theory: If women are always complaining about men, tell me who raised the men? Women made us what we are. If women want to take credit‑-and it's due-for all their hard work of staying at home and raising the kids (a job deserving high pay), they should also accept the responsibility for strongly influencing the boys who largely create and dominate culture.

- -

Women are lateral thinkers. They have communities. They share information and help one another. They listen. At least that's what I thought I heard someone say once.

Men don't listen, particularly to women. This shouldn't be a big surprise. A woman will talk and talk and talk about some problem until a man cuts her off and says, "Here's what I'd do." Men are always giving advice out of their own experience. Men think vertically. Some guy is always bigger, badder, better. His car is nicer, his job more lucrative, his women prettier. Men live to vanquish those challenges. They don't mind helping a woman overcome her problems, if only she'll listen. Men want women to get on with their lives, so that they can go back to watching Combat reruns.

Women don't want to hear our advice. They don't want solutions to their crises. They just want an arm around their shoulders and a soft‑spoken "I understand. I feel the same way!" This is why women are better off being miserable in groups. Suffering doesn't seem to matter to women as long as they don't have to suffer alone.

If that's what women want, I'm not going to try to change them. After all, men are even bigger babies in the suffering department, especially when we're sick. However, I suspect women like that position of power. Besides, when they're in the next room, they can't hear our whimpers and moans too clearly.

"Tim? Did you say something?"

"Ohhhhhhh. Gaaack!"

"Just try and get some rest, dear."

If I could change one thing about women it would be to stop them from mumbling when they walk around corners. They should finish conversations while they're looking at you.

"Oh, by the way mumble, mumble…"

"Yeah, yeah, the most important thing is mumble, mumble."

My wife does this all the time, then she's gone. A week later she looks at me like I just killed a kitten and says, "I told you all about that." And I can't say she didn't, I just didn't hear it.

"I told you yesterday."

"Yeah, but I was outside!" Actually, I was in the car, with the windows closed, leaving the driveway. She was standing in the doorway, and her lips were moving. I thought she was saying, "You're a man's man. Hurry back. I've got a big surprise for you in the bedroom."

What she was really saying was, "And make sure you bring back some milk."

- -

Why do women do all the sewing, while men are the tailors? Why are women the cooks, but men the chefs? When women remove stains, it's from shirts, pants, and carpets. When men remove stains, it's from granite facades, the Statue of Liberty's skin, or-ahem‑-spray paint off a high school wall. When women clean, they use Pledge and wear yellow plastic gloves. When men clean they use sand and steam and wear yellow plastic protective suits and visors. Women clean sinks. Men clean nuclear reactors. A dollop of ketchup on a shirt does not make a man want to suit up to get it out.