Tim Allen - Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

Butt crack is like male cleavage. I'd like to design a line of drop jewelry for men. Butt‑crack ornamentation. Pearls and gold coins to enhance the natural lines. Pretty soon pants will be cut low for the more daring male, and "elective crack surgery" will be the latest craze. Now there's a "before and after" album I wouldn't like to see displayed in a plastic surgeon's office. I'm making myself sick.

I love tool belts, though, despite their shortcomings. Unfortunately, the perfect tool belt hasn't yet been invented. So I have three: a carpenter's, a general handyman's, and a barbecue belt. The last has a spatula, fork, and poker all on chains. You pull 'em out and they snap back. It's got ketchup, mustard, and Tabasco in little cases. My wife knows fm not just whistling Dixie when I'm wearing all three-naked-in the bedroom.

The ultimate belt wouldn't be a belt at all. It would be something designed by Porsche, Mercedes, Bosch, Black and Decker, Motorola, and Q, from the James Bond movies. You'd carry it in a little shoulder holster. It would be a little silver thing, all polished stainless steel, that contained a drill, saw, shaper, and glue gun. And it would be rechargeable. The Swiss army knife of tools.

But for now, I'm pretty fond of my handyman's belt. It's a big, fat strip of cowhide, with huge pockets and loops. I walk around with two Makitas slung low, like six‑shooters.

"Come on, honey. Break something. I dare you."

I walk around the house looking for things to rewire. I fixed Grandpa's hearing aid once because he kept saying "What?" every time I spoke to him. It was nothing, really, to give it more power. I stopped by Radio Shack, got some coaxial cable, a 160‑watt preamp, with Dolby. Gramps can hear fine now. On a clear night he can also pick up space‑shuttle transmissions.

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I bought a Makita mini circular saw. I just had to have it. I've used it once. However, my wife has used it a number of times, but never for its intended purpose, which is cutting wall paneling on the job site. You make little notches, then cut in and cut out. She uses it at home, blows the blade off, and says, "This thing doesn't work right."

"Well, honey, I'm not sure that you're supposed to use it to cut hair or chicken parts."

With some prodding she eventually started using my full‑size circular saw. It's hell on hair, but cutting the chicken is a snap. Cutting the chicken's hair takes practice.

As you've probably guessed, I get asked tool, construction, and repair‑related questions all the time by people who somehow have the idea that I know what fm talking about. Here are a couple of the most popular. I take no responsibility if you follow any of my advice, or believe a word of what I say. I'm warning you now.

Q:Does a guy really need a wrench set with twelve doubleheaded crescents, twenty sockets and driver, and ten Allens (no relation)?

A:You don't. I've got a multihead driver now that replaces everything in my toolbox. If I could only figure out how to work it. It's heavy and it clicks and it's substantial-which, for me, is half the reason to buy it-but it just sits there. Good thing I've got the old wrench set.

Q:Why do some screws have one‑slot heads and others have cross‑hatched Phillips heads? And who is Phillips, anyway?

A:Never met the guy. But someone told me that his misshapen head comes to a point, but folks don't dare talk about it since the murder-yes, with a screwdriver. Guess he's related to the milk of magnesia family. (What the hell is a magnesia and how do you milk it?) This seems reasonable since you need some milk of magnesia to calm your stomach after spending all day trying to get a Phillipshead screw out of the wall after you've stripped the slots in the first two minutes. And here's some more bad news. Now the hardware stores feature something called the star‑pad screw. The screw head is indented in the shape of a five‑pointed little twinkler. Now all the manufacturers are using it, which means that five billion screwdrivers are obsolete. Don't you wish you'd thought of that!

Q:What's the weirdest tool you ever bought?

A:Actually, it was a garden shredder. A garden machine, but still a tool, right? It was a major deal. A freight company had to deliver it to my door. A big diesel Kenworth pulled up in front of my house and two burly guys hauled the shredder off the truck. The thing has a twelve‑horsepower motor, and is all tricked out. Here's what it does: It grinds up wood right on your property.

Don't laugh. (Okay, my wife did, too.) I just wanted to get rid of all the twigs that had gathered during the year on my little acre‑and‑a‑half I've got a lot of big trees and they're always shedding. The guy made it look so easy on the commercial; his hair never moved. After using the shredder, the young couple on TV put the grounds in a blender and made mulch. They smiled all the while. You're supposed to put it on your junipers and related bushes. Unfortunately, I almost lost a leg trying to start the shredder because it was so powerful. And then it made so much noise just running I thought it was broken. So I got scared. All I could visualize was an index finger getting caught on one twig and then sucking me in like a guy who gets too close to the jet intake on an F‑14. My wife told me she wasn't looking forward to tending to my bloody stump just because I wanted to occasionally see the lawn. She also thought I was indulging in a little overkill.

"Aren't you using an atomic bomb to kill a mosquito?" Always so quick with a metaphor. "Just wrap up the twigs, take them to the street, and let the garbage man pick them up. I'm quite certain he won't break your leg or bloody your body. Better yet, burn them. That means you get to play with fire!" She sure knows how to push my buttons.

It was good advice. Now the shredder is moldering in the shed, right next to the lawn tractor I don't use anymore.

Q:How would you reinvent classic household tools?

A:I'd like to have an upright cordless vacuum cleaner. Also, a washing machine that lets you know when to put in the fabric softener. Not that I've ever vacuumed or done the laundry. I'd do it, though, if they'd design an iron, or a washing machine, or a clothes drier that a man would like. I don't need floral patterns, mushrooms, or birds on everything. I'm not even sure women do.

Q:Can you explain why plugs now have one prong bigger than the others, and can I alter the big one by hand at home and still use it safely?

A:It's all about polarities, to make all current run in the same direction. There's a big danger in alternating current. If you cross too many currents it will short out the whole system-possibly the planet. So they designed the new plugs to keep everything running in the same direction. I'm not sure I believe this, though. In fact, I'd like to know who gave them permission to change the plug, and maybe make one of his nostrils just a little bit bigger than the other.

On three‑pronged plugs, the round prong is the ground. The most serious electrical problem in America is having an appliance or a computer with a three‑pronged plug and only two‑pronged holes to plug it into. Just what are you going to do? Those little gray adapter plugs never stay in the wall. Plus they look ugly. So you go through a big guilt trip wondering if you should cut off the fat bastard.

"Nobody's watching. There's no cops here. What would happen if I just sliced that sucker right off?"

I'd do it, but fm still under the impression that somewhere in your neighborhood's power plant is one gauge designed to monitor this particular problem, that goes like this: "What th-? Some idiot snipped off that ground plug! All points bulletin. Send a squad car to Allen's house! We'll scare the crap out of him and he'll never do it again."