Sue Townsend - The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 3⁄4

I am starting to get a bit suspicious about my mother’s feelings towards Mr Lucas. I found a note she had from him; it says: ‘Pauline how much longer? For God’s sake come away with me. Yours forever, Bimbo.’

Although it was signed ‘Bimbo’ I know it was from Mr Lucas because it was written on the back of his red electricity bill.

My father should be informed. I have put the note under my mattress next to the Big and Bouncy magazines.

Third in Lent. British Summer Time begins

It is my grandma’s birthday today; she is seventy-six and looks it. I took her a card and a pot plant; it is called Leopard Lily, its foreign name is Dieffenbachia . It had a plastic label stuck in the soil which said, ‘The sap in this plant is poisonous so take care’. My grandmaasked me who chose the plant. I told her my mother did.

My grandma is quite pleased that my parents are getting a divorce! She said that she always thought that my mother had a wanton streak in her and that now she had been proved right.

I didn’t like to hear my mother being spoken of in such a way so I came home. I pretended to grandma that I had promised to meet a friend. But I haven’t really got a friend any more, it must be because I’m an intellectual. I expect people are in awe of me. Looked in my dictionary to find out what ‘wanton’ means. It is not very nice!

Back to school, worse luck! We had Domestic Science today. We did baked potatoes in the oven with cheese filling. My potatoes were bigger than anyone else’s so they weren’t properly cooked by the time the lesson ended, so I finished them off at Bert Baxter’s. He wanted to see Blossom again which was a bit of a drag because he takes so long to walk anywhere. But we went, anything is better than doing Maths at school. Bert took his horse brushes with him and gave Blossom a good clean, she was shining like a conker by the time he’d finished. Bert got out of breath so he sat on the scrap car and had a Woodbine, then we walked back to Bert’s house.

Sabre is in a better temper since he got his new kennel and Bert’s house is in a better condition as a result of Sabre being outside. Bert told me that the social worker thought he ought to go into an old people’s home where he can be properly looked after. Bert doesn’t want to. He told a lie to the social worker, he said his grandson came in every day and looked after him. The social worker is going to check up so I could be in trouble for impersonation!!! I don’t know how much more worry I can take.

Late last night I saw my mother and Mr Lucas going out in Mr Lucas’s car. They went somewhere special because my mother was wearing a boiler suit with sequins. She did look a bit wanton. Mr Lucas was wearing his best suit and he had a lot of gold jewellery on. For an old person he certainly knows how to dress.

If my father took more care of his appearance, none of this would have happened. It stands to reason that any woman would prefer a man to wear a suit and a lot of gold jewellery to one like my father who hardly ever shaves and wears old clothes and no jewellery.

I am going to stay awake and find out what time my mother comes home. Midnight . Mother still not home. 2 AM . No sign of my mother.

Annunciation of B.V. Mary

Fell asleep, so don’t know what time my mother got home. My father said she had gone to the insurance firm’s Christmas dinner and dance. In March! Come off it dad! I was not born yesterday! We had swimming in Games today. The water was freezing cold and so were the changing cubicles. I will try to get athlete’s foot so that I don’t have to go next week.

Barry Kent has been done by the police for riding a bike without a rear light. I hope he gets sent to a Detention Centre. A short sharp shock will do him good.

Pandora and Nigel have split up! It is all round the school. This is the best news I have had for ages.

I am reading Modame Bovary , by another frog writer.

Last Quarter

Nigel has just left, he is heartbroken. I tried to comfort him. I said that there are plenty more pebbles on the beach and fish in the sea. But he was much too upset to listen.

I told him about my suspicions about my mother and Mr Lucas and he said that it had been going on for a long while. Everybody knew except me and my father!!

We had a long talk about racing bikes, then Nigel went home to think about Pandora.

It is Mother’s Day tomorrow. I am in two minds about whether to buy her something or not. I have only got sixty-eight pence.

Fourth in Lent. Mothering Sunday

My father gave me three pounds last night. He said, ‘Get your mother something decent, son, it could be the last time’. I certainly wasn’t going all the way into town for her, so I went to Mr Cherry’s and bought a box of Black Magic, and a card saying ‘To a wonderful mother’.

Card manufacturers must think that all mothers are wonderful because every single card has ‘wonderful’ written on it somewhere. I felt like crossing ‘wonderful’ out and putting ‘wanton’ in its place, but I didn’t. I signed it ‘from your son, Adrian’. I gave it to her this morning. She said, ‘Adrian, you shouldn’t have’. She was right, I shouldn’t have.

Must stop now. My mother has arranged what she called ‘a civilized meeting’. Mr Lucas is going to be there. Naturally I am not invited! I am going to listen at the door.

A terrible thing happened last night. My father and Mr Lucas had a fight in the front garden, the whole street came outside to watch! My mother tried to separate them but they both told her to ‘keep out of it’. Mr O ‘Leary tried to help my father, he kept shouting ‘Give the smarmy bugger one for me, George’. Mrs O’Leary was shouting horrible things at my mother. By the sounds of things she had been watching my mother’s movements since Christmas. The civilized meeting broke up at about five o’clock when my father found out how long my mother and Mr Lucas had been in love.

They had another civilized meeting at about seven o’clock, but when my mother disclosed that she was leaving for Sheffield with Mr Lucas my father became uncivilized and started fighting. Mr Lucas ran into the garden but my father rugby-tackled him by the laurel bush and the fight broke out again. It was quite exciting really. I had a good view from my bedroom window.

Mrs O’Leary said, ‘Tis the child I feel sorry for’, and all the people looked up and saw me, so I looked especially sad. I expect the experience will give me a trauma at some stage in the future. I’m all right at the moment, but you never know.

My mother has gone to Sheffield with Mr Lucas. She had to drive because Mr Lucas couldn’t see out of his black eyes. I have informed the school secretary of my mother’s desertion. She was very kind and gave me a form to give to my father; it is for free school dinners. We are now a single-parent family.

Nigel has asked Barry Kent to stop menacing me for a few weeks. Barry Kent said he would think about it.

All Fools’ Day

Nigel rang up this morning and pretended he was an undertaker and asked when he was to pick up the body. My father answered the phone. Honestly! He has got no sense of humour.